Is it possible that those of us that are affected most by the addiction and alcoholism of the ones we love the deepest can hit OUR bottom also?? That just as an addict must hit their bottom before they are ready to seek help, to admit their powerlessness, that we, their biggest fans, their biggest supporters must also hit our bottom to realize and accept our powerlessness?
Well, my dear blogger buddies, I believe I have hit that bottom with my beloved Prince. I have been doing a lot of reading and praying. I had a really good day at work yesterday. I felt confident in myself for the first time in a long time. I hold a fairly responsible position and much of the last few years, I have felt like a fraud, going through the motions, floundering. Well something changed in me yesterday and the old Kel was back. I remember how to be a professional. How to handle my authority and how to get my job done in the manner in which I am expected to perform it, and I realized I had not been found out for the fraud I thought I was, so maybe I was not a complete fraud after all.
Last night the Prince was to attend an NA meeting. I had decided I was not going to go with him, and I was not going to call him to remind him. Well, when 8:30 came and went and I did not hear from him, I knew he wasn't going. Against my better judgement, I called his cell phone and he was out. He told me that he has decided that he is going to go to AA instead of NA, that NA wasn't for him, and he was going to go AA with a new friend. Just last week he told me that NA was the best thing for him, and it was what he needed to keep him clean. Same old manipulations and lies. Tell Mommy what she wants to hear. I told him that as far as I am concerned, his sobriety has not been a priority and I am washing my hands of it. I love him, but I can not lose any more sleep over this, I can not go back to being the person I was when he was actively using. I informed him that he should prepare to pay the co-payments for the shrink, he can continue to use my insurance, but I was no longer taking responsibility for his sobriety. Financial or otherwise. I am done. I am letting go. Maybe not in the loving way I had hoped to do it... but I am letting go nonetheless.