Thursday, June 14, 2007

Sometimes I hear my voice, and its been here, silent all these years...

Is it possible that those of us that are affected most by the addiction and alcoholism of the ones we love the deepest can hit OUR bottom also?? That just as an addict must hit their bottom before they are ready to seek help, to admit their powerlessness, that we, their biggest fans, their biggest supporters must also hit our bottom to realize and accept our powerlessness?

Well, my dear blogger buddies, I believe I have hit that bottom with my beloved Prince. I have been doing a lot of reading and praying. I had a really good day at work yesterday. I felt confident in myself for the first time in a long time. I hold a fairly responsible position and much of the last few years, I have felt like a fraud, going through the motions, floundering. Well something changed in me yesterday and the old Kel was back. I remember how to be a professional. How to handle my authority and how to get my job done in the manner in which I am expected to perform it, and I realized I had not been found out for the fraud I thought I was, so maybe I was not a complete fraud after all.

Last night the Prince was to attend an NA meeting. I had decided I was not going to go with him, and I was not going to call him to remind him. Well, when 8:30 came and went and I did not hear from him, I knew he wasn't going. Against my better judgement, I called his cell phone and he was out. He told me that he has decided that he is going to go to AA instead of NA, that NA wasn't for him, and he was going to go AA with a new friend. Just last week he told me that NA was the best thing for him, and it was what he needed to keep him clean. Same old manipulations and lies. Tell Mommy what she wants to hear. I told him that as far as I am concerned, his sobriety has not been a priority and I am washing my hands of it. I love him, but I can not lose any more sleep over this, I can not go back to being the person I was when he was actively using. I informed him that he should prepare to pay the co-payments for the shrink, he can continue to use my insurance, but I was no longer taking responsibility for his sobriety. Financial or otherwise. I am done. I am letting go. Maybe not in the loving way I had hoped to do it... but I am letting go nonetheless.

4 comments:

pat said...

Is it possible that those of us that are affected most by the addiction and alcoholism of the ones we love the deepest can hit OUR bottom also?? That just as an addict must hit their bottom before they are ready to seek help, to admit their powerlessness, that we, their biggest fans, their biggest supporters must also hit our bottom to realize and accept our powerlessness?

Yes. Yes and triple yes. My worse months were Nov 2006 to March 2007. My son has been an addict since 2000. It took this long for me to realize that I was "powerless" over his disease. I fell into depression. Started having panic attacks. Was hospitalized for six days with an ulcer before I finally admitted I was powerless. My son is still an addict but I am different or at least I am working toward that direction. I believe for the first time in a very very long time, I am moving forward. For so many years I just felt stuck. I still have alot of days where I feel hopeless, angry and full of self-pity but I do not give in to it any longer. I do the things that occupy my mind and that make my soul feel better and before I realize it I am over all those negative destructive feelings. It is ok to feel bad or have a few rotten days. It is not ok to let those bad days take control of you. Remember, this too shall pass and believe it or not, it actually does. Hugs.

Syd said...

Kel, so glad that you went back to Step One. The anger and the pity and all the other stuff that makes us insane will eat you up if you don't face that you are indeed powerless over another. But you can take control of your life. And you are doing it. Good for you.

Tab said...

{{Kel}}
Letting go IS a loving way to let your Prince go.Even if he doesn't see that today..You do! It is a powerful way to let our kids know we are setting them free because I think it shows we believe that are capable.It may take time but we don't need to rush them when we let go Kel..it is a gift within a gift to see our kids in thier own light.Yesterday I had a visit with my first born.It isn't easy knowing he got to where he is today because of drugs and alcohol and I couldn't stop it.But because Bob and I DID let go..I think he was able to get back on his feet a little more securely when he realized..we weren't going to carry him anymore.But he knows we will always be here for him and love him unconditionally.He is a valued family member.He knows that.
Your son knows how much you love him.Even when he tries to manipulate you to get what he wants.He is a big boy now and by letting him go now Kel..he has a better chance at learning how to carry himself in to adult hood more independently.It is tough when we have to let go like this under these circumstances, I know.
BUT..you know as well as I do,it is out of love and healthy boundaries.I believe in you Kel.
Your kiddo will see you for you one day too..He may just need time to find himself first.
I am so grateful to have found your blog and friendship.
You keep staying true to you and share when you are inspired to because you inspire all of us when you do!Thank you!
Holy Canoly..long comment!!! lol

vicariousrising said...

I'm so glad you are sharing this all and not keeping it inside. I hope it is helping you.

I agree with the others' comments that step one is a good start. I also think that taking care of yourself and getting to meetings and continuing to share is important. I wish I could do more to help you or offer better advice. Please know that my love and support is with you.

Hugs,
Judith