This is the view from my office window yesterday as a thunderstorm came rapidly through the area.
I wish the stormy weather in my life could come and go as fast as a thunderstorm.
Last week I briefly contemplated making the best of things with AH and maybe trying to move past all of the anger and resentment to see if there could be something left.
We took La Petit out for dinner a few nights together, and it makes him so happy. It is sad because there is really nothing to say. We are different on so many levels. The conversation is forced and uncomfortable. So along comes the weekend and Saturday I went to sleep early, as usual, and I woke up in the middle of the night to get a bottle of water. I go downstairs to the kitchen, and there is AH, passed out drunk at the kitchen table, naked. Why does he have to be naked when he drinks? I have never understood this.
Normally I would wake him up and yell at him to go back to his room so as not to risk La Petit seeing him in that condition. But I was so angry, so disappointed, and I decided, F- it let him see him for who he really is. Why do I have to keep covering it up and protecting him? He doesn's seem to care who sees him, so why should I? Well, I woke up around 6 a.m. on Mothers Day and thought how sad for La Petit to wake up early to make me breakfast and find his Drunk Dad passed out naked in the kitchen, so I went down to tell him to move. The kitchen chair had been knocked over, the blinds on the sliding doors out to the desk were all screwed up. Of course he wasn't there, or in his room, and once again I got to play Hide and go seek the drunk. I found him in the Princes room, passed out cold.
He woke up and stumbled down to his room, and once again La Petit was disappointed on Mothers Day because his father didn't get him up early and take him to Starbucks to "surprise" me with my latte. I need to let go of this. I must not allow myself to be angered, hurt and disappointed by another's actions and disease any longer. I didn't cause it. I cant control it. I can not cure it.
I just wish that I could.