Thursday, May 17, 2007

Theres a dark cloud following me.....

This is the view from my office window yesterday as a thunderstorm came rapidly through the area.
I wish the stormy weather in my life could come and go as fast as a thunderstorm.
Last week I briefly contemplated making the best of things with AH and maybe trying to move past all of the anger and resentment to see if there could be something left.
We took La Petit out for dinner a few nights together, and it makes him so happy. It is sad because there is really nothing to say. We are different on so many levels. The conversation is forced and uncomfortable. So along comes the weekend and Saturday I went to sleep early, as usual, and I woke up in the middle of the night to get a bottle of water. I go downstairs to the kitchen, and there is AH, passed out drunk at the kitchen table, naked. Why does he have to be naked when he drinks? I have never understood this.
Normally I would wake him up and yell at him to go back to his room so as not to risk La Petit seeing him in that condition. But I was so angry, so disappointed, and I decided, F- it let him see him for who he really is. Why do I have to keep covering it up and protecting him? He doesn's seem to care who sees him, so why should I? Well, I woke up around 6 a.m. on Mothers Day and thought how sad for La Petit to wake up early to make me breakfast and find his Drunk Dad passed out naked in the kitchen, so I went down to tell him to move. The kitchen chair had been knocked over, the blinds on the sliding doors out to the desk were all screwed up. Of course he wasn't there, or in his room, and once again I got to play Hide and go seek the drunk. I found him in the Princes room, passed out cold.
He woke up and stumbled down to his room, and once again La Petit was disappointed on Mothers Day because his father didn't get him up early and take him to Starbucks to "surprise" me with my latte. I need to let go of this. I must not allow myself to be angered, hurt and disappointed by another's actions and disease any longer. I didn't cause it. I cant control it. I can not cure it.
I just wish that I could.


Anonymous said...
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Tab said...

We all wish we could cure this disease Kel but knowing we can't helps us to just accept that and do what we can to take care of ourselves for today.YOU are feeling what is perfectly understandable Kel.
Here's wishing you sunnier days ahead..and moving day even sooner!

love n hugs..
Tabster xo

vicariousrising said...

Personally, I would think there was something wrong with you if you weren't angered by AH's behavior. He's being a drunken ass. If you expect yourself to feel like a saint, then you are being too hard on yourself. The difference is how you respond to his behavior, not how you feel about it.

Being hurt and disappointed by him may be another story, but you can work on those things. But cut yourself some slack. You still need to figure out the proper boundaries. There will still be certain expectations you will have of AH, particularly regarding the rearing of your kids. I believe you have every right to make reasonable expectations of AH in that arena, and be angry when he does not hold up his end.

Chin up, my dear. You're right: you didn't cause it and you cannot cure it. But you can protect yourself and La Petit the best you can.


ME, myself, & I said...

Yeah, it can be hell wanting to fix someone yet knowing that you can't. But, you're right... letting it go is necessary. Just make sure you don't let go of hope. Cuz as my fav. movie says: hope is a good thing... maybe the best of things.

Syd said...

Your post moved me and made me think about how terrible the disease is. It causes untold hurt and anguish. It truly is a family disease. I'm very sorry that this happened. But I am also glad that you recognized what was happening in your head. I also wish that none of the horrors happened.

Redhead Gal said...

(((((kel)))) I hope better days lie ahead for you. I know they do.

Tab said...

Hey chickie are you ?!!
Send email Tabster xo