Friday, July 06, 2007

Why should I feel sad, for what I never had, nothing, equals nothing...

It has been an interesting week here in my little corner of the world. Last week I posted about having a few extra vaca days, I tacked them on to the 4th of July holiday and took a nice 5 day weekend. AH suggested that since I have this unexpected time off we take La Petit and his friend to Montauk for a few days. I was skeptical about having to spend so much time alone with AH, we do not get along very well, and we rarely spend any time alone together.

We booked a little suite on the ocean, a nice little place and we spent the afternoons alternating sitting by the pool or the beach. In the evenings we walked a bit threw the little town and had dinner and we made a bonfire on the beach to toast marshmallows. Lots of people were setting off some pretty nice fireworks at night, so we had out own little private show. It was pretty cool.

I thought maybe spending some time together would some how renew us, bring us back. It did not. It was not awful or miserable or even terribly painful. But we have progressed to a place where we are more like brother and sister. We can carry on a conversation, but nothing too deep, or we will argue. We have very little left in common, I don't care about his job and he doesn't care about mine. We no longer really have any mutual friends and our philosophies on parenting also differ greatly. His drinking is frightening. Non-stop, from early in the afternoon (if you can consider 11:45 a.m. "early" afternoon) until bed time. He justified it by saying it is Montauk, it is vacation, etc. Not that I made any mention of it. I know better at this point in my life. It was funny, he was trying to encourage me to drink with him. Suggesting a frozen cocktail to me at noon. No one likes to drink alone I guess, not that it stopped him. I worried that La Petit would be embarrassed in front of his friend at the amount his father was drinking. He doesn't appear drunk unless you know him. He does get a little looser, but he carries the same demeanor unless he switches to vodka.

It has been a long time since I have been around him long enough to witness the drinking and his habits. Its funny how it all comes back to you and it just served to show me that there is truly nothing left between us. He offers nothing to me that I want. I can tolerate this until the house is sold, and I feel hopeful that we will part in a positive way. He is still an attractive man and I am sure he will meet someone quickly if he is so inclined. I don't feel love or sadness at the lack of it coming from him anymore. I guess it is more like a mutual, understanding? For lack of a better word.

Anyway, I am still really crazed here at work and I just wanted to post quickly to catch up and send out some love to all of you. I will try to make the rounds this morning.


Tab said...

Interesting how life works Kel.
Glad your trip wasn't a disaster.
It sounds like maybe it brought a little more acceptance and closer to that part of your life?

Now maybe your house will sell ?

I am sending you a new email today so check your inbox when you have a chance.

Love Tabxo

pat said...

It was nice to see that you ha posted. Change is always hard and at times very sad. My marriage to my sons' father broke up after 24 years so I understand the place you are in.

ME, myself, & I said...

Closure on a long weekend, who could ask for anything more.

Trudging said...

Sorry Kel! Remember, God has a plan and the plan is good.

sober jen said...

Boy I hear you. Brother and sister. Lucky you don't fight like brother and sister.

I think I have to go down this road, splitting up with my husband, soon. I read your blog with interest, and hoping that I too can do what you're doing.