Saturday, July 07, 2007

Tell me, what are you going to seek? The best through the worst? Virtue through vice?

Every once in a while, I find myself laying in bed, visualizing, actually seeing myself laying in that same bed, but with a greater sense of serenity and maybe being settled and happy for once. I had this feeling last night as I lay down and tried to go to sleep.

I believe this maybe my higher power telling me that some day, things will be different. Maybe not better, maybe not perfect, but different. Or maybe I believe I feel this way when I start to pull my head out of my butt and see that I have been running away again.

For as long as I can remember, I have been doing this. When I start to really feel depressed and sad and the reality of my life becomes too hard to bear, I run from it. I overbook myself. I spend too much time with friends socializing. I stay out of the house as much as I can, I let my bills fall behind, I let the house get messy and I just run and run and run.

It occurred to me yesterday that I am letting the Prince slip away from me. I am angry with him for not graduating HS and not doing anything about it instead of being proud of him for working time. I am angry at AH for being an alcoholic and disappointing me in this marriage and yet I have stayed here for far, far too long. I am angry with my Dad for being so sick and for not being able to take care of me and help me instead of spending more time with him and enjoying the time he has left and appreciating him for who he still is. I am sad because my brother is not the man I wish he was and hurt by the way he treats me and yet I do nothing to try to improve the relationship. I am jealous of friends who have become more successful in both their family and careers, so I pull away from them and allow the friendships to disintegrate and then feel sorry for myself that I have so few real friends left. I am profoundly sad about how little I speak to or see my prince and feel angry and resentful of him for not making more of an effort to be a part of my life, while I sit back and let these feelings fester instead of trying harder to be closer to him.

So I start to run. Push these feelings deep inside of me and avoid returning my therapists phone calls and I go shopping and spend money that I do not have on things I do not need. And I feel alone. So unbelievably alone. And I do no t know how to fix it. I do not know how to fix me. I do not know how to stop feeling sad and sorry for myself and resentful and jealous and the stinking thinking just consumes me until I run myself ragged trying to get away from pain and then I am so exhausted I just sleep. And then I wake up. Alone. And start the cycle all over again.

6 comments:

Tab said...

You aren't alone Kel.
But I know you feel that way.
I can hear your feelings in this post.Your honesty is setting you free and maybe that is a little scary for you right now ? Letting go is kind of a double edged sword I have found.On the one hand,we let go of things we don't own , things we have no control over,things we dont' want to have control over us, etc.But then what will happen ? The what ifs and unknowns are tough for us to trust.
Or maybe it takes time for us to learn how to trust and love ourselves in all the letting go work? I have no answers.I know you didn't ask.All of the above are simply pauses from my own thinking.
And I so appreciate you sharing parts of yours here too Kel, because whether you believe it or not,it helps others not to feel so alone.
You deserse every bit of the things you may feel jealous others have right now Kel.And as I have mentioned,be ready for it when it does happen.And that takes patiences and practice in learning to accept the things you cannot change and embracing the courage(which you have proven you have)to change the things you can- YOU :)
Long ass comment for a kick ass blogger buddy and friend.
You can use that phone number I gavae you long before August, okay?
Love Tab xo

Tab said...

and by the way.
Did you ever pick up a copy of the Language of Letting Go ??
Just wondering ~

Beth said...

You are not alone. Things will be different... and I think you are fixing yourself... it takes time and lots of patience. Just hold on Kel and know that even if you can't hold on any longer WE won't let go.

BTW: blog has changed names and moved to http://writingheals.wordpress.com

pat said...

But you are letting it out and by letting it out you are actually not running but expressing the feelings which ultimately is the best thing to do in the long haul.

You cannot heal until you let go and you cannot let go until you are aware of what is inside. I think you are becoming aware of all the things that have festered inside your heart and soul for so long. Sometimes the best thing to do is not do anything at all. That is also the hardest thing to do. Just remember to take baby steps and if you take a step backward from time to time, let it go. Do not beat yourself up for being human.

TodayTodayToday said...
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TodayTodayToday said...

Is it any concession that your not alone in feeling alone? Anyway your life may seem screwed up but your consciousness of what is going on inside of yourself is inspiring and comforting to me. I appreciate what you are contributing to my life in this blog.