Monday, July 09, 2007

So here it is, another chance; wide awake you face the dayy...

I spent almost all of yesterday in bed, napping and enjoying the air conditioning, continuing to feel sorry for myself. La Petite has an overnight trip today with his camp. He is very excited and I was able to find pleasure in his delight and excitement about the trip. I had to drop him off early for camp, at 7:20 this morning. He is usually picked up at the house by bus at the house around 8:30 or so.

Last summer, the Prince was still living with me and I had to drop him off at his bus stop for his program and then I would drop off La Petite at camp. This morning reminded me of those days last summer. The Prince had just gotten clean and he looked so good. He had just started seeing a new girl and he was in love. I would get up early, make them breakfast and I would drive them to their stops and it was pleasant, nice actually. Things were hopeful. This morning made me feel sad that the Prince seems so far away from us. I feel kind of like I have been kicked in the teeth, that all I have done for him is forgotten. Do not misinterpret this to mean that I wish he was still living with me, but I do not. It just strikes me as sad, how broken apart my family is. I miss the days of making my kids lunch and their breakfast. It is nice to have peace in the house, but sometimes it is just a little too peaceful. It doesn't feel like a family anymore. We barely cook, we throw something quick together or go out for dinner most nights. It is just so empty.

Saturday morning I woke up early. La Petite had a friend sleep over and they stayed up late playing video games. It was a beautiful hot summer morning and I sat on the porch drinking my coffee. Alone. AH didn't get out of bed until 11:30 and by then I was running around with the boys and starting the day. The kids went swimming and I had some errands to run. Alone. I think that is what is really starting to get to me. So much aloneness. No one to have a freaking cup of coffee with, no one to spend the day with. La Petite is starting to really blossom and is starting to have a nice little social life of his own. I need a partner, a best friend, a lover. Or at least someone to have my coffee with. And this is what stirs up my toxic behavior.


Anonymous said...

Oh I hear you on this one. When I start to feel alone versus lonely, I also get some toxic crap going.
I'm much better off now that I can find company through people in the program.
Did you ever start going to Al-Anon? There could be some wonderful women for you to enjoy time with there, kel.
You are always in my prayers,

Tab said...

I hear you Kel.

It is like grieving some days isn't it ? We need to catch our breaths and see what the new day brings us.

And you just watch Kel.While you are feeling blue today, I just know you are going through a very very important process in letting go.I have felt this.And one of these days you are going to wake up and find a new woman staring at you in the mirror..and perhaps a steamy sexy shadow behind the shower certain

So keep taking care Kel.
Feel what you need to feel.
But stay in touch with those you trust Kel.Including yourself.

Please know that so much of what you share , I can relate to from my heart.

Big keep an opened mind.
Ya never know what your HP has in store for keep those legs shaved and your chin up

As for the Prince.Never stop believing in him even when he is far away right now.

Beth said...

time and patience... Aloneness does suck the life out of you... just remember you are never really alone.

vicariousrising said...

You know, it's funny, but you maybe need to learn to like yourself well enough to enjoy your own company. Maybe you have been spending so much time making your life about other people, you've neglected discovering about you.

Just a thought. And ditto Scout's question about Al-Anon. I know you'd tried a meeting, but didn't care for it. Someone posted a comment that you might prefer the NA/AA meetings because it was still about the other people in your life and not about you. I thought that comment was rather insightful.

Good thoughts for you are headed your way,

Gwen said...

You are never alone. Sounds so cliche but it is true. I crave being by myself. There is such peace in it. I will send peaceful thoughts your way.


sober jen said...

I agree with everyone here. Grieving is an alone process. Just do it, go through it, and learn from it. It won't kill you, but you will start to understand more as time slowly passes.

Someone told me once that grief is like a flood. It covers everything and it seems so big and impossible. So you wait and live, and little by little the flood recedes. You can't see it happening because it's so slow. But it happens. And then the flooded landscape is revealed and you will be amazed at how good it looks, and how much better it feels. And how much more you know.

Be really good to yourself. Get a massage. Cry a little. Go for a walk. Buy an Ipod and listen to music everywhere.

This will pass.

pat said...

You are grieving for what you lost. This is a natural process in healing. You need to feel the grief so you can move on. I am in the procss of grieving over the loss of my son because like you I was there for him and did everything for him and now I am lucky if I get a phone call. He is punishing me for putting him out of the house. Of course if I did not put him out he would not be in rehab clean & sober today. Hang in there, Kel. We are all here for you.

Anonymous said...

Stopping by to say hello and hope you are well.
Thinking of you,

Tab said...

Yo chickie boom
stand up
dance around
give yourself
a smack on the butt
say hello to your
sweet self and
see what the new day

thinking about cha..

hope you are out of bed by now..
it is 2:45ishy


Syd said...

Kel, maybe when you start to feel alone which is different from lonely, you need to get to a meeting or call your sponsor. Aloneness indicates selfpity for me and that's not a place that I need to go. I call my sponsor when that starts to happen.