Tuesday, June 12, 2007

In a world full of people, only some want to fly. Isn't that crazy?

Thank you all for being so supportive of yesterdays sad post. I am just in kind a dark place.

The Prince is scaring me. I am having such a difficult time with letting him go. I feel as though the last year and a half have been wasted. He appears to be clean but he is pushing the limits. We are trying to set some boundaries for him, and he is being very resistant. He is starting to play his grandparents and us against each other. I have been pretty straight forward in my opinion that he does not and should not being hanging out every night, and every free moment.

As usual, his priorities are all F-ed up. He has his grandmother driving him all over the island at his whim, to hang out. She is always obliging. I wouldn't be. He doesn't even offer to contribute towards gas. And at $3.43 a gallon, he really should. He thinks his curfew should be later. He is hanging out with people I do not know or have never heard of. He is right back to where he was a few years ago. He just doesn't give a sh*t what anyone says. I know I am supposed to be taking it one day at a time. But I just can't do it. Seriously. That sick, sinking feeling is back with a vengeance.

I just called him and tried to talk to him. Of course it turns into an argument. I know my way of speaking to him doesn't help matters. I come off as angry and he goes on the defense. He seems to have the maturity level of a 13 year old. He just wants to live in the moment and have a good time. He was supposed to graduate from HS on June 24th, he is not going to as he is missing two classes. He has made no effort to find out what needs to be done in order to complete the requirements, and he seems to really care less. I want to help him, but how much is too much when it comes to helping our addicted children? Isn't there a point where he has to stand up and act like a man and stop taking from everyone and start taking responsibility for himself?

He doesn't worry about his future and he doesn't worry about his sobriety. He is confident that he will not relapse, yet it is more important to him to hang out than it is to get back into therapy or to attend meetings. He thinks it is Bullshit that he is expected to do these things.

Tonight I will go to an Al-anon meeting and try to get something out of it. Because, quite honestly, I feel as though I am going crazy. I can no longer hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. I really really wish things were different. I had this fantasy that when he completed the program things would be good, he would seek recovery and work a program, he would beat this, and I could breathe again.

In other news the Italians girlfriend is actively harassing me again via email. I mean, c'mon, seriously, move on. I know I have. I just don't know what to do about it. She is a sick woman.

And now some gratitude...
  • Cool new Bermuda- like dress shorts from Old Navvy that I bought last night, today I am stylin!!
  • Feeling the love from my blogger buddies
  • I was able to teach my boss a little something about the business this morning that she didn't know
  • The ability to not engage as this psycho chick continues to harass me
  • A nice healthy salad for lunch today
  • Hope for a much brighter future, and the realization that what will, be will be...

Love on you all!!


ME, myself, & I said...

I have no words today... long sleepless night so... (((((((((hugs)))))))))

pat said...

The hardest thing is to let go of your child because as mothers we have always protected them. There will be a day when you will be ready to let him go until then know that I am always thinking of your struggle because that is exactly what it is, a horrible heart wrenching struggle. I have spent more nights feeling as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest and thrown under a bus. The only way you will be able to get through all this with your sanity intact is to get the support of those around you who have been through the same thing. And in my own personal experience I felt much better avoiding the negative folks in my life or at least limiting my contact with them. There will be alot of people with good intentions telling you what to do or how to handle it but as they say in the program "take what you want and/or need and leave the rest". You are going to be ok, Kel, even if your son is not ready to stay clean and sober because ultimately it is his choice and only his choice. Remember the three C's. You did not cause it. You cannot cure it. You cannot control it. Your son may need to learn by consequence. Do not do what I have done and that is protect him from suffering his consequences. I did that for years. It is only recently I have made a continual effort to recognize and stop the enabling. Take care and tons of hugs.

Tab said...

This doesn't sound dark to me Kel.
This sounds like the begining of acceptance.There is so much I could say as I can relate but today I am just going to say I am here when you need to rest your shoulders and lean on mine.
Hope you get something from your meeting tonight.
Love Tab xo

Syd said...

The main thing is to take care of yourself. You can't protect him from the world or himself. If you keep the focus on yourself you will be able to deal with him without an argument. It's so hard to do but you will be able to do it through Al-Anon.