I remember when, I lost my mind...

In case you are wondering, I am most certainly not OK. I am finally out of the house and my divorce is moving forward. I am living in the new house with La Petit and my parents. It is exactly what I wanted.

Enter New Guy. He has turned out to become a bit possessive, jealous, consuming and, well, let's just say crazy. When it is good, it is so good. When it is bad and I am not giving him exactly what he needs, well it is g-d awful and scary.

I am having a really hard time deciphering what is real and what is in my head here. I do not not do relationships well to begin with. I will post more when I can make some sense of what is going on in my head and I can share.

Hope you all are well.

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before...

I have been blogging for almost 2 years now. I have never set up "rules" for my blogging, I blog when I have time, or when I need to vent, or when I have something to share or when I just have something to say. I have made some wonderful connections through my blogging and even had the pleasure to build a real life friendship with one of our blogger peeps. Over the summer when I was at one of my low points, I remember when I was having a meltdown, that I would think about how I was going to put it up on my blog and it would comfort me knowing that there was a place I could go to share my innermost self with or without judgement from the blogging community. I can honestly say, other than the crazy anti-aa guy, I have never had anything but thoughtful, caring people leave me comments. I have come to genuinely care about so many of you and your lives. I consider each and everyone of you a blessing in my life.

Lately, I have not been blogging regularly, but instead, I have been reading more of your blogs out there and I wanted to share some of my feelings about that. I feel as though I am on the verge of one or two things, either a complete breakdown or possibly a complete breakthrough. As I follow the journeys of others out here I feel so much less alone. I see that others have lived destructive lives of alcoholism and addiction and through the grace of g-d and with lots of strength have come through to the other side and choose to live a sober life one day at a time. I am in no way minimizing their battles because I believe it to be just that. I am simply able to find comfort in knowing that there is a program out there, for if and when that time comes, my Prince can find his way to a clean and sober life. I have learned through all of you, that it IS possible and their can be a happy life for him someday despite the demons he must fight. I thank you all for this.

I recently came across a blog where a young woman is sharing her story of her active addiction to heroine. She supports this habit by selling herself. She actually refers to herself as "Street Meat". Her writing is articulate and cohesive. Her story is about as frightening as anything the mother of an addict wants to know. But she is still alive and therefore there is still hope and I have added this young girl to my prayers. I applaud her honesty and I do not judge her or her family. Because as the mother of an addict; I know, there but for the grace of g-d, go I...

I have read the stories of other addicts parents. It amazes and impresses me, that you could live through every parents worse nightmare, the death of your child through this dreadful, horrible disease, and still find the energy to not only get out bed in the morning, but to get onto your computer, and share your story with anyone who cares enough to read it. We are an amazing bunch. We have a common thread and I guess that creates a bond that only other parents living through this can comprehend. And there is no judgement. No ridiculous advise, no finger pointing. WE get it. Collectively, we are the only ones who can understand that addiction CAN and DOES happen to good people.

I seem to have been given more than my fair share of sickness, tragedy and misfortune in my life. It is very easy to feel sorry for myself and do the whole "why me" thing. However it gives me strength to know that my story, when thrown in the mix here, well, it's just another story. No better, no worse. The end of it is far from being written, and I know from all that you share, neither is yours. It just has to be taken one day at a time. Nothing more, nothing less.

Living my life in a slow hell...

I have been seeing a man for the last few weeks who has really forced me to think about alot of things in my life. It is probably not going to come as a surprise to anyone who reads me that my marriage was not a happy or functional one. What is surprising to me is the destruction it left in its path of my well being.

Alcoholism and addiction have been regular fixtures in my life for as long as I can remember. I was raised by alcoholic parents. I married an alcoholic, I raised a drug addict/alcoholic. My brother is an active alcoholic/addict. I am starting to see that this too has damaged me more than I was ever willing to allow myself to admit.

It has also become increasingly clear to me that I have very few people left in my life that I consider to be my friends. I am not sure if this is because I am just so self absorbed in my own mess that I no longer invest myself or if it is because I have felt slightly betrayed by those close to me, or perhaps I have just made poor choices in the people I surround myself with.

I think this is also why I have chosen to have relationships with men who are either unavailable physically or emotionally. Men who were interested in me based more on my appearance than anything else. Fooling myself into believing that I was looking for someone to love me, to take care of me, but on some level knowing that I am incapable of such a relationship at this point in my life because the damage done to me has taught me not to get too close and not too trust. To always expect the worst. I am the queen of self sabotage.

So, I meet this man towards the end of the summer, and typical me behavior, we spend some time together, go for drinks, dinner, and I do not expect or want anything more than that. I assume he is broken or damaged in some way, because, why if he wasn't, would he possibly be interested in me? So new guy as I have nicknamed him, well, he is making me stay. He wont let me run, as is my modus operandi when I feel like someone is getting too close.

It is making me see that my marriage to AH was a very bad one indeed, above and beyond his alcoholism. There was never any kind of emotional connection between us, and as I reflect back on it, I took this as rejection, that I wasn't worthy of being loved, and just kept building those walls. I managed to live the last 20 years of my life without feeling loved or worthy of being loved. I spent years building my own life, one where I could be independent and in control of all scenarios. Because losing control would be showing weakness. Showing weakness would make me human and human beings need human contact. I managed to let myself loose sight of this. Sex became something that could be used to control others, because someone desiring me, fulfilled me, and that was good enough.

Well guess what? It isn't good enough. Not anymore.

There is no pain you are receiving...

I am a little worried about myself these days, not something I do very often. Part of my codependency problem is that I have a tendency to worry about everyone else and not worry about myself. My life is pretty out of control these days and that is not something I am good at coping with.

I have retained a lawyer and filed for a divorce. I am not in the least bit sad or unhappy about this. I am just feeling a little overwhelmed by the process and all that it involves. AH and I haven't spoken a word to each other since I discovered he is no longer contributing to our household financially. My lawyer is also suing him for this. It just gave me a real deep insight into his character and the kind of man he really is. I know divorce is ugly and it brings out the worst in people, but this was just unnecessary.

The Prince is still not working or even actively looking for a job. He has a new girlfriend and he just spends his time with her. I know he is drinking excessively, and at the bare minimum, smoking pot. G-d knows what else. I pray for him to embrace sobriety, I have successfully let it go, and no longer feel responsible.

My dad is not doing well. He is such a sick man, on taop of the debilitating stroke that left him paralyzed 16 years ago, and the pancreatic cancer, and diabetes, in the last few weeks he has come down with pneumonia, had a seizure and congestive heart failure. His doc thinks he may have some skin cancer and now he has a wicked infection on his toe that will be very difficult to treat due to all of his other ailments. This is not a life, this is no way to live. He is deeply depressed and my mom told me he was crying on saturday evening because he knows he is dying and he is so worried about how screwed up my life is that I will not be okay.

La Petit is starting to act out a bit, he is back to not doing his homework. I am trying not to come down too hard on him because it is such a difficult time for all of us. I just feel so sad for him, he is going to feel the brunt of all of this, his parents are divorcing, he is leaving his home, his school his friends, and moving into a new home where he will live with his dying grandfather. Life is just so hard and I wish I could shelter him from it all.

I have been living between my house and my parents house the last week or two. I am a little afraid to stay at home because I do not know how AH is going to react when he is served papers. It is exhausting. I am feeling very displaced, like a homeless person. I need to put some roots down and become the peron I am meant to be. I am not happy with my parenting or coping skills right now. I am not an alcholic, but it runs in my veins like blood. I am drinking more than what would be considered social these days, and I know that is self medicating and it scares me a little. I am depressed and anxious all the time. I am losing faith, and I just dont know if I can keep it all together and get through these next few weeks.

I know it could all be so much worse. I am so saddened to think of all of those people who are losing so much as the wild fires tear through California. I have friends I can talk to and trust, I have a family that loves and supports me, and thankfully I have the financial resources available to me to make the changes I need to. I just have to remember to breathe.

It's been a long time...

Sorry I have been so completely out of touch and not blogging lately. There is alot going on right now. I need to keep this brief, so much to share and not quite sure where to start.

Basically, I am ready to close on the new house I am buying with my parents and aside for a few little snafus with my old house, I should be closing in a few weeks. AH has really pulled a fast one on me, he unilaterally decided he was no longer going to contribute to our family finances and opened up his own bank account and as a result a bunch of checks bounced after wiping out my line of credit. I hired a lawyer this morning and things are going to get ugly.

Its very sad that this pathetic excuse of a marriage is finally going to come to an end, and it has to end like this. I really thought that I was going to be the exception to the rule and have a nice amicable divorce.

Yeah right.

Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all

You know, it just amazes me sometimes how quickly things can spiral downwards. This has been a very trying week or two. Earlier this week the Prince was laid off of his job. He worked for a Marina, and with the summer and therefore the season over, they don't need him any longer. Understandable and predictable, but he was devastated. Of course he hasn't done much in the way of looking for work since then.

He just called me a few minutes ago. Last night he was "jumped" by three guys and they beat the hell out of him and stole his cell phone. Nice. I wasn't very nice to him about and I feel badly but it is just so f-ing frustrating. He just doesn't get it.

I am just so tired of this. My life is poised and ready for change and it is so close, it just can't happen fast enough for me and I just don't know what to do with this Prince of mine. Besides letting him go....

I don't know how to love him...

Received a phone call from my father in law one evening earlier this week. He picked up the Prince from work and did not like the way he looked, implying he looked high or something like it, and he articulated that to the Prince in no uncertain terms. The Prince, in true princely fashion proceeded to freak out on his grandfather and went into his typical rant how everyone is against him and how much it pisses him off to be accused of doing something wrong all the time, and how it is total bullsh*t that he has an 11 pm curfew, blah blah blah.

This, is typical Prince Charming using behavior. I can feel the spiral beginning. I am thinking maybe it is going to be pills this time. I explained to my F-I-L that I knew for a fact that the Prince was smoking pot and drinking regularly, nightly actually. He didn't seem to believe me, or didn't seem to want to hear it is more accurate.

Today, I finally had a conference call with his old HS (he did not graduate this past June as he should have) I have battling with them all summer to get his education back on track. They have finally approved him for home instruction to fulfill the final few credits he needs for graduation. He will receive home instruction from a tutor at the local library for eight hours a week and if he takes it serious, he will graduate in January. He will able to keep his full time job as well. I am trying not to project too much and trying to have a little faith in him (thanks for the cue there Tabby...) that he will do the next right thing.

I often feel as though I have let him down so much. Then in letting him go, I cut him out of my life, and sometimes out of my heart. I am a type A personality. There is very little room for gray area in my life. Our relationship is a formal, pleasant one at best. But to me it seems almost non-existent. We speak occasionally on the phone, when he can spare two seconds for me. I see him once every few weeks. To be fair, I do not often go out of my way to see him either. I am still so hurt and wounded by his choices and I think at some level I am also preparing for what I still fear will be his own death from an overdose.

I love him so much, but I still just do not like him very much right now. That's okay isn't it?

The life Ive left behind me, is a cold room...

So, can anyone please advise me on how to delete ridiculous, unwanted comments?? I have been hit hard this past weekend.....

My niece has been staying with me for the last week, she is staying another week. She is not related to me by blood. She is the daughter of a girl who had been my best friend for most of my life, since junior high school maybe. Her daughter was born three months before the Prince, and we basically raised them together. Her marriage failed within a year of her daughter being born, and she then entered one dysfunctional relationship after another, never securing stable employment, never home to take care of her daughter, etc. A year or so she got involved with a man who was still married, yet he wanted to own her as well. She ended up quitting what little employment she had at the time, spending all of her time with this so called man and ultimately, lost her apartment, her car and most of her self-respect. Her daughter had to move to North Carolina to live with her grandparents. This man beats her up, throws her out of the house and then begs her to come back and then the cycle repeats itself again. I have heard from more than one person that cocaine and alcohol abuse play a large part in their lives. This is ultimately what has damaged our relationship, she is toxic, and I fear this man will one day kill her and I can not do anything about it. Once again, me trying to control a situation that is outside of my control.

My niece has told me that the Prince is using pot and alcohol on a daily basis. I knew this, and I suspect cocaine as well. He has one of those friends social pages and his picture on his profile is a picture of him in the backseat of someones car, swigging directly from a large bottle of something wrapped in a brown paper bag. How charming. So not only is he still choosing a dangerous path to take, he is doing it once again with pride. Letting the whole world know that he thumbs his nose up to sobriety.

He has sold a cell phone, and another hand held video game. His response is that he can not "find" the video game and he gave the cell phone to a friend cause it didn't work. I wonder when exactly did he decide that I was a complete idiot? He has been trying to get his hands on another video system that belongs to him and La Petit. I know this is because he wants to sell it. I am not going to let him take it. It is back to having that feeling of being completely unable to trust him and not wanting him in my home at all. Not even for a few minutes.

In spite of this all, I am in a remarkably good place. I am able to function and focus on myself and La Petit and plan for our future. That future is very close. In approximately one and a half months we will move into our new home. Hopefully sooner. I am very excited. I feel more and more secure that I am doing the right thing. I spent some time with an old friend over the weekend, someone I hadn't seen in many many years. She is still married to the same man that she dated in high school, we were in each others wedding parties. She has two beautiful children, they bought a lovely home near the beach. You can see she is happy. She admits to lots of bumps in the road but she is still happy and her life is a nice one. She does things. She plays volleyball on a team, she goes to the gym. Her life is full and she looks complete. For the first time in a very long time, I felt nothing but pure happiness for another person. I am seriously prone to jealousy and self pity (I know, this is a huge shocker to those of you who have been reading my blog for a while) and for once, I felt GOOD to see another human so settled and having a good life. For the first time ever I felt that I could be in that position in a few small places.

This letting go business is tough stuff. But I am finally understanding that I must be in control of my own life, feelings and ultimately my destiny. Maybe I am going to have to let my guard down just a bit and be a little vulnerable and not worry so much about everyone else. There could be a life out there for me after all...

I'm in a New York State of Mind

As I drove to work this morning, there was more than the normal amount traffic due to some stormy weather. I listened to the radio and observed the moments of silence in remembrance of those who perished six years ago here in my beautiful NYC. I could swear, that as the last of the four bells chimed in honor of those lost that day, the sky opened up and the rain fell hard and fast, as though the heavens themselves were still weeping for those lost.

I am reminded that although my life is far from perfect, and the lives of my family are more than a little dysfunctional, I thought this would be a good time to step outside of myself and shout out a little gratitude.

Some Grati-tuesday

Although I have many friends and family who work in lower Manhattan, I am so fortunate to have not lost anyone on that frightful Tuesday six years ago.

My town is home to many of New York's finest and bravest and more than a few of the heroes that fell that day were locals. I am honored to have shared a zip code with these fine men.

I have reconnected with a member of my family whom I used consider my little sister. I had wronged her terribly around this same time six years ago, and caused her much pain and sorrow, but she has forgiven me despite that and we are together once again.

I live in a country where I am free to worship whatever G-d I choose, or none at all.I do not have to believe in a war that my country is involved in, but I can be thankful to our soldiers defending my right to feel that way and putting themselves in harms way each and every day to ensure that right for my children and their children.

The mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters of these fine young men and women who surely do not sleep at night, praying for the best, but fearing the worst.

I have changed jobs twice since that terrible Tuesday, each position furthering my career and my bank account. It is good to be an American woman in 2007.

Six years ago today, my Prince was beginning his middle school career. Within two years, he became addicted to a large spectrum of drugs and alcohol. He almost died while huffing inhalants, he has been in drug related fights that had left him with broken bones and spirit, he failed out of school, and almost destroyed himself and those who loved him the most. Today he is anxious to finish high school through home schooling, has completed one and a half years of rehab, he holds a full time job and he is not actively using cocaine to my knowledge. He does not completely embrace recovery, but he is alive and hopeful for the first time in a long time.

I am learning that I can not control the feelings, actions or behaviors of those around me. I am learning to let go. I am willing to accept progress not perfection.

I live in a place that was irrevocably changed six years ago today. I saw firsthand the destruction and pain that was caused by hate and ignorance. I also saw firsthand, an entire city, and an entire country stand together that day in unity, brought together by a madman. And we are still standing.

May G-d bless America.

Through these eyes Ive seeen the shape of thinggs to come...

After a long weekend, including a large family party on my father's side, meeting cousin's I did not even know I had, running around with La Petit procuring the last of the supplies he needs for school, running shoes for his participation in the middle school track team, helping him complete two book reports for his summer reading and the million other responsibilities we mothers have on weekends, I fell, exhausted into bed last night somewhere around 9:30 and tried to indulge myself with a little reading. My eyes did not stay open past 10:30. I awoke somewhere around 1:30, maybe 2:00 a.m. to an unidentifiable noise of some kind. I did not give it much thought, as La Petit is a restless sleeper and often bumps into or kicks the walls in his sleep.

Unable to fall back to sleep, I decided to make a trip to the loo, and as I came out of my room, I noticed the kitchen, hall and bathroom lights were all blazing and the odor of alcohol was stifling in the house. Upon entering the bathroom, I noticed a "puddle" ( I think you can figure out what the puddle was without me having to say sit) on the bathroom floor and the shower curtain half pulled down. Time to play hide and seek the drunk. I found him in La Petits bed. (La Petit has been sleeping in the Princes old room as his air conditioner is broken.) Passed out drunk, laying on top of La Petits skateboard, helmet and various other mess that he had left on his bed before he went to sleep last night. I guess I should be grateful that he was at least wearing underwear, as I often find him passed out drunk and naked.

I left him there, and just did a quick search of the house to make sure he didn't leave any lit cigarettes around, as is my biggest fear living with him is he will burn my house down while we are sleeping and kill us all.

Please, G-d, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can't change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference...

Don't hang on, Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky...

Last night we met at my lawyers office to sign the contracts. My parents were meeting me there as well to sign the contracts on the house we are planning on buying together. AH was surprised to see them there. When I told them the reason they were there, he was shocked. I am thinking he did not think that I was really planning on buying this other house. As we were signing the contracts, it looked like he was going to cry for a moment.

My uncle took us all out to dinner to celebrate. It was bittersweet. I am thrilled to be almost rid of this house and out of this town that is just too painful for me to live in any longer. I am excited about the new house, the new start, the new beginning. It was awkward as my parents and La Petit were all talking about the new house and AH just sat there and said nothing. I felt sad for him. He doesn't ask any questions and sometimes he seems OK, and it makes me wonder if he is just as happy to be rid of me and our life. His lack of communication is disturbing. You can never tell what he is thinking, let alone feeling.

La Petit began his middle school career on Wednesday. Today, he is trying out for the track team. He is growing right before my eyes. He hasn't articulated it to me, but I sense he knows that his Dad may not be along for the ride much longer. There is so much change happening around me that I feel as though I am getting blown away by a strong wind. I only have two hands, I can only hold onto myself and La Petit. I just hope the others will be able to weather the storm without us. Because for the first time ever, I am not going to be there to clean up the mess that gets left behind.

Ch- Ch- Changes...

Well, this is it. Tonight I am signing the contracts for the sale of the home I currently own with AH, and I will sign the new contract for the house I am going to buy with my parents.

The times... they are a changing...

Wish me luck y'all.

My need is such I pretend too much, I'm lonely but no one can tell

My mother asked me last week if I was sure I wanted to end my marriage and buy this house together. I said I was sure about the new house and that ending the marriage was not something I could say was something I was sure about, but it was something I needed to do. My mother, while she is my closest friend, has been instrumental in alot of the decisions I have made in my life. When I told my parents I was pregnant and 20 and planned on getting married, she ran out the next day and planned a wedding, found an OBGYN for me, and my parents began the process of dormering the house so we would have a nice, safe place to live.

I do not mean to sound ungrateful. But sometimes she just steamrolls me and I don't know WTF happened. When I was pregnant with La Petit, the Prince was 5 years old and one day, while cleaning, I discovered that AH had been selling cocaine. He was a social user (if that is possible) in his teens and he had to stop when he took his job that random drug tests. I found a large amount of cocaine in his work bag, and hundreds of smaller little packages. I flushed it down the toilet and could not breathe. I woke him up a few hours later (he worked nights and slept during the day) and told him he needed to get the F out of bed, pack up his stuff and get out of my house.

We argued and argued and I was feeling so physically ill I did not know which direction to turn. I was 26 years old, I didn't have much of an education, just a few college credits, not much of a career path ahead of me, a 5 year old son, another baby on the way, and a drug dealing husband. My mother suggested that my options were so limited that I should stay where I was and make the best of a bad situation, go to counseling and put the whole thing behind me.

AH is the king of pretending something didn't happen. So I took her advice and stayed. A few weeks later my husband was put out of service for 6 or 8 weeks for drinking alcohol on the job. The next day I went into early labor and delivered La Petit 6 weeks early. I really didn't know he was an alcoholic at the time or maybe I did. I think I thrived on the stress and drama. It got to always be all about me and my problem De Jour.

Well, 18 years into this marriage later, I am still not sure what I want to do. My parents are starting to put pressure on me, how good he is to my Dad, how there is so much worse out there, the devil I know, etc. I know I need to end this. There is no love between us and I am so f-ing tired of being alone even when he is there. I am so tired of being responsible for everything and he takes none. This is not a family or remotely close to one. He wants to live a different life now. I can see it more and more. He likes to be on his own when La Petit and I are away for the weekend. He is making plans, starting to connect with old friends. He is ready to continue his alcoholic life without us.

Your not in love with someone else, you don't even love yourself...

La Petit finished summer camp last week so this week has involved bouncing him around to various friends and relatives to cover him while I am at work. Last night he slept over his grandparents house and will stay there again tonight. AH and I got home from work at approximately the same time. Financially, this has been a very bad month for us. In fact we are completely broke until payday tomorrow.

We sat on the deck for a little while as it was a lovely night. He then told me that he had received a few calls from my brother and another friend of ours, recently divorced, and they were all at a restaurant/bar/club on the water having some drinks and they had wanted him to go. He could not based on the weeks financial situation. But he wanted to, I could tell, and it got me to thinking about divorced dads. The three men, having the luxury on a Wednesday afternoon to jump on their boats and go to a club and slam beer and pick up women. While the divorced moms are home with their children, prepping for back to school next week, labeling notebooks, pens, etc. I am not saying that this is the case with divorced dads universally, but it seems to be the case in our little circle.

It occurred to me in a few short months, if all goes well with the sale of my home, (the contracts have yet to be signed by the buyers and this is a bit concerning), that he will be among these divorced dads, out every night in the bars, picking up strange women. My inherent reaction is to be jealous, but my intellect tells me that this is not a life I want, I am not interested in another man who drinks. Yet, somewhere deep inside of me, this hurts. I am still very saddened that my marriage has failed. I do not believe it can be fixed. Not unless he chooses sobriety and that is not something he is interested in. And even if he did, I am still not sure we should be together. There is just too much painful history that would need to be overcome and he is incapable of communication. He is angry, I am bitter. Life will be better for La Petit and I on our own.

I was not expecting this process to be so painful. I did not expect to have such mixed feelings. I know alot of it is my insecurity, and this dreaded feeling I have of being alone for the rest of my life, that I will never meet anyone and that he will move on very quickly. I still have to work through the hurt and he will not discuss these things to help me through it. In fact he has not even told me of what his plans are. He knows where we are moving, yet he say nothing about what will happen after the house is sold. I am reluctant to bring it up so as to not rock the boat, I hate fighting and it will start a fight and I am simply too exhausted to fight anymore.

We think we have the answers...

My blog, as most of my adult and probably much of my adolescent life, has been shaped by the addiction, alcoholism and substance abuse of those around me. As I am about to go through some life altering changes over the next few months, I am going to start focusing on my own recovery, and wherever that may take me, in both my life and my blog. This is long overdue in my life and without it, I fear I may lose myself all together and that is just unacceptable to me.

I recall writing in my profile in the early days of this blog that I would never give up, that I was going to go out kicking and screaming. Unfortunately, the real demons of living with this disease have managed to skew my thinking, allowed me to let my guard down and have made me weak and almost broken me. Almost. But not quite yet.

I need to do alot of soul searching. I need to learn who I am and who I want to be and how I want to live this next phase of my life. I need to stop shutting myself down and starting feeling what needs to be felt. I have to give up my resentments. I have to live with my choices, past, present and future. I need to become strong again and stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop expecting others to feel sorry for me too.

I know that alot of these issues will involve addiction, alcoholism, etc. But I am going to put the focus on me for a while and how I am going to gain serenity. I hope that those of you who still read me will continue to do so, even though the focus may change a bit and there will be less focus on my Prince and his journey.

I'm not myself and I don't know how...

Syd tagged me earlier this week and even though I have done this one before, I will do it again, since I am too emotionally exhausted to write a real post.

8 Things about me

1- I am a terrible money manager and I use shopping as a form of therapy and as a result I have acquired way too much debt and entirely too many pairs of shoes.

2- I no longer feel like I am pretty and this bothers me way too much.

3- I just had botox injected into my forehead. I love it and I want more.

4- I have no idea who I really am.

5- I wish every day that I was someone else or living someone elses life.

6- It breaks my heart that my children got screwed when it comes to their parents.

7- In spite of that, I really do believe in my heart that I am a good mother and have done and will continue to do the best that I could. I just wish someone else would acknowledge it once in a while to reinforce it for me.

8- There are a few people in my life that really do love me and I can usually count on them. I just need to learn to reach out when I need to and believe that I am worthy of love.

And that's it for today kids. Wishing you all a peaceful weekend filled with love and serenity as the summer winds down.

Their anger hurts my ears...

It has been a extremely eventful week. My house is sold. I made an offer on a two family house with my parents, and it was accepted, and my parents have accepted an offer on their home as well. It would seem that by sometime mid-November, I will be divorced, and living in a two family home with La Petit, my parents and myself, in a new neighborhood beginning a new life. I am frightened and excited.

I heard through the grapevine that AH is planning on moving into Queens, which is about 35 miles or so from where we are moving. It seems that taking an active, continuous, and involved role in the lives of his boys, is simply not on his agenda. I do not know why I am letting this bother me so much. His living arrangements are being influenced by his own needs and convenience. My living arrangements are being influenced by the needs of my children and my parents. Ideally, this is not what I would like to be doing. I am going to be forty years old and I am going to move in with my parents. I am going to be a single woman. Way to score a love life with mom and dad living below me. I would love to move closer to my job to cut out some of my commuting time, but it would be unfair of me to do that to La Petit, to move him where he doesn't know a soul, 30 miles away from his friends and family. So I am making the sacrifice. As I always do. I am taking one for the team.

I am starting to feel like I am the one who is always making the sacrifices. That there will never be a time just for me. AH gets to drop what little responsibility he has, and rent a cheap apartment to keep his expenses down and I have to be the responsible one to buy a home in a solid neighborhood with good schools and strap myself financially. And LP is the one who has to suffer for it. I fear he will start to develop abandonment issues. First the Prince left and now his Dad. If I felt confident that AH would stay involved in his life I would not be so worried. But when a boy loses all of the men in his life to alcoholism, addiction and divorce, what is this setting him up for in the future?

Friends.... how many of us have them?

Although I have never been officially invited to particpate in HNT, today I am crashing....

The Tabster and I on the lovely English Bay....

These eyes, a cold and vacant stare...

I am back in my office this morning, still feeling fatigued, but the jet lag slowly subsiding. I did not sleep well last night at all, but did not toss and turn and wake to the horrific nightmares I have been having lately. This is something that has happened to me my entire life. When I am ill or under a great deal of stress, I have terrible, frightening nightmares.

I am harbouring so much resentment against AH that it raises my blood pressure. Upon arriving at the airport on the first day of our trip, my luggage was lost. Three pieces: two of mine and one carrying all of La Petits clothing. I totally started to lose it. Now, I know this is not the end of the world, but I was wearing shorts and a tank top, and I was going to Alaska. The hundred dollar credit the airline was offering me as a consolation was not going to cut it. I resigned myself to find a store just to buy a toothbrush and a pair of jeans to wear and hope for the best that it would turn up later in the day. As we were leaving the airport, AH, a heavy smoker who had not smoked a cigarette in over 8 hours was getting super cranky, and the porter helping us with our luggage suggested we take one more quick trip around the carousel before exiting the airport. Well AH was basically like, Nope. We have looked, it isn't here, give it a rest, you are over reacting as usual. This just set the tone for the vacation. I lost it, started crying my eyes out and as a result, La Petit followed suit. AH was completely indifferent as usual. The luggage situation worked itself out, and it was located before we got into a cab on the way to our hotel. The point being, he just didn't give a sh*t how I felt, this was the first of many nasty fights we had over the vacation.

It is important to mention that my family pays the bill for the entire trip. These trips do not cost this man a penny out of his pocket with the exception of his bar bill (which is normally quite expensive as you can imagine) and any excursions or shopping we do on the trip. We travel in luxury, large beautiful suites on the ship, etc. Later in the week we got into another huge argument in front of my whole family and I stormed back to our suite. He comes in a few minutes later to continue the fight and we basically get down to how we both want out of the marriage in a big way and then I was even more enraged, questioning how dare he allow my family to pay for his vacation when he clearly does not wish to be a part of it anymore.

I know there will be a grieving process for the relationship, and I am no longer kidding myself that it will be a nice warm and fuzzy amicable divorce. He is becoming more and more obnoxious and distancing himself even further away from his children. I know he is in full active alcoholism right now, and that I can not help or save him or make him into the father I want him to be, but the resentment is eating me alive. I can go on and on about the comments and actions he has made over the last week or so where he clearly doesn't want to do anything with his son. If it is me he doesn't care to spend time with he should put it out there, and not hold it against La Petit. Then, when LP acts really clingy and wont leave my side, he blames me for babying him and not cutting the cord.

I am filled with such mixed feelings and remorse towards this man. I look back to our beginnings and see the pattern that became our life and his ability to stay just slightly outside of us, never quite being one of us. And I wonder was there something I could have done different? Did I keep him at bay? Push him away? Did I like that he was a stranger in our lives? And why the F has he stayed in it???

Snap back to reality...

Hello to all my blogger buddies out there. I arrived back in NY yesterday after a nice long relaxing vacation with my family. Quite possibly the best part of that vacation was the wonderful experience of meeting my blogger buddy Tab on the first night of my trip. She is every bit as wonderful and beautiful in person as she appears in her blog. I will share more about our visit with her permission later this week.

We took a week long cruise to Alaska andit was COLD but the scenery was breathtaking. If there was ever a doubt in my mind that God exists, it is long gone now. No other power in this universe could be capable of creating such beauty and serenity.

I am super jet lagged and tired to the point that I didn't even make it back to my office today. I am not unpacked, I am basically a disaster and I feel a serious depression setting in. Alot of changes are underway in my world, but more on that later this week when I am up to it. I just wanted to check in and send out some love to all my blogger peeps and let you know I didn't drop off the face of the Earth. Hope you are all well.