Love can make you weep, can make you run for cover...

My youngest son is in grave danger of not passing the eighth grade. He is a very bright young man. He doesn't like to do homework, sometimes he doesn't feel like doing classwork or taking notes. Studying is a word that does not exist in his vocabulary. He really likes to talk and socialize. He likes to somehow manage to get his hands on red bulls and soda and brings it to class. He has a wicked attention deficit with hyperactivity and red bull and soda do not mix well with it. He recently took a geography quiz and scored a 10 out of a hundred. Seriously. My mother of an addicts memory keeps whispering in my ear... this is using behavior.

I am in a relationship with a man that is becoming less and less fulfilling. He does not like to spend time with my family. He prefers me to be at his small apartment than to come to my large house. He does not care if we see each other on holidays. When I tell him this hurts my feelings he does not understand. On the other hand he is very kind to me and gentle. He knows how I take my coffee, and serves it to me. He always has my favorite water in the fridge. He encourages me to take better care of myself. I know that he does love me. When my son is with his father on alternate weekends, we spend most of our time together. It is really quite possible that I am as broken as I think I am, and therefore just completely incapable of knowing how to behave in a relationship.

For the first time in many years, my relationship with my brother is in a really good place. He is a sick man, diabetic, has lost 3 toes from his disease in the last few years. He is 43 years old. He can not work. There is still a really nasty ulcer on the bottom of his foot that will not heal. It is likely he will loose this foot, sooner, rather than later. He is living with a lovely woman who is 10 years his senior. She has many of her one demons to fight. She has 3 children. The youngest of these children started having babies at the age of 15. She has 5 children under the age of 13. Most of the baby daddy's are incarcerated. There are at least 2 or 3 of them. She has never been on drugs and does not drink. She is currently living in a shelter because she has no job and no money. She bares more than a striking resemblance to the "Octo-Mom". My brother and his girlfriend are in no position to help her financially. My mother often has to help him. His SS payments leave him with less than $80 extra a month after paying the rent. We had a real long heart to heart conversation a few weeks ago and for the first time in my life, I do believe that he loves me. Saturday afternoon I am treating him to a play. Jesus Christ Superstar. It has always been our favorite. We have seen it many, many times over the years. It will be a pleasant day.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is in the hospital as I write this, sitting vigil by her fathers bedside awaiting his transfer to a Hospice Center. They are on the Death Watch. Her mother is my mothers best friend. Her father is my mothers first cousin. His mother and father were married to the sister and brother of my mothers parents. That's how it went down for the Irish Catholic in Brooklyn back then. This time last year, I was the one sitting vigil by fathers bedside awaiting his eminent death. It is very surreal to not be the one in pain, to not be the one who is frightened and sad. It hurts me to see my friend hurting. I know full well how profoundly her life will be changed following the loss of her father. My heart breaks for these people who have always been a part of my life. I think my mother feels a certain sense of glee over this. I know that sounds awful, but she is not an awful person. It just that my mom has suffered a great deal of loss and suffering in her life and she has always felt, with some degree of truth to it, that no one could understand.

I had to have a minor gynecological surgical procedure done yesterday. The removal of some precancerous cells. Not a big deal, but the first time my physician attempted the procedure a few weeks ago it did not take and it had to be redone last night. It all went well, I am on the four month follow plan to make sure I remain cancer free. I sent the man I spoke of a few paragraphs ago, a quick text message last night to let him it was done, that it went well and she was able to get all of the cells successfully. He wrote back that he was glad to hear it, and wouldn't bother me again last night so I could rest. OK, it is 10:56 a.m. here in NY, and I am obviously well enough to be here, in my office, writing this. Am I am wrong to think it would have been nice if he had bothered to contact me this morning to make sure I was OK? Just sayin'...

The man that I am sure is my soul mate, whom I dated when I was young, is now married, to someone else and she is an alcoholic. He is not happy, but he is committed. He is hopeful she will one day stop. He gives her ultimatums. She promises that next Monday will be the day. Next Monday comes and goes and she simply can not put the bottle down. I know, and He knows, that she is an alcoholic. But I know and You know that this is a disease, not just weakness on her part. She is powerless over alcohol. He did not cause this, he can not control it and he can not cure it. He does not accept this. He does not work a program. He is becoming a sad and broken man. We speak or email almost daily. I have not seen him in over 13 years. When we speak it is as if I just saw him last night. We have that connection. He will never leave her and she will probably never stop drinking. She is a lucky woman. HE called me first thing this morning to see how I felt and to make sure everything went well with the procedure last night. I may have to stop communicating with him soon, although I will miss him. It is starting to hurt. Just a little.

So this is just me, Kel. Stopping in to say hello.

One word, one letter, one line

I am stealing this idea from Syd, who took the suggestion from Dave, hoping it will help motivate me to start blogging again.

Give a one word answer to the following questions. Some are thought-provoking. Try it on your blog.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your significant other? Fighting
3. Your hair? Blonde
4. Your mother? Crazy
5. Your father? Missed
6. Your favorite thing? Rest
7. Your dream last night? Forgotten
8. Your favorite drink? Latte
9. Your dream/goal? Serenity
10. The room you’re in? Office
11. Your fear? Alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Content
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you’re not? Happy
15. Muffins? Top
16. One of your wish list items? Imac
17. Where you grew up? House
18. The last thing you did? Typed
19. What are you wearing? Suit
20. Your TV? Sony
21. Your pet? Loved
22. Your computer? Broken
23. Your life? Unfulfilling
24. Your mood? Anxious
25. Missing someone? Deeply
26. Your car? SUV
27. Something you’re not wearing? Jewelry
28. Favorite store? Wholefoods
29. Summer? Hurry!
30. Favorite color? Pink
31. Why did you laugh last? Expected
32. Why did you cry last? Sad
33. Who will repost this? Uncertain
34. A place I go over and over: Mind
35. Someone who emails me: Friend
36. Place I would rather be right now: Home

When it's good, then it's good, It's all good 'till it goes bad...

Its been a long while. I know and I am sorry. I am still here reading you all every day, just have been all wrapped up in my own head the last few days, weeks, months, well years really. And it is clearly time to get out of there.

OK let me start by saying this. Hi, my name is Kel, and I am quite sure I am an alcoholic. At the very least I am an alcohol abuser. I am not sure quite when or how this happened but I am quite sure it is time to do something about it.

Hang in there folks...

That it's too late to apologize...

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday and are getting ready for a peaceful new year. I had a different kind of post planned for today, but something just happened here at work and I need to share it because it has left me sad and confused.

I had written a brief little something last year about a good friend that I work with, during the whole "monster" drama. You can look back at it here: if you are so inclined. http://cloudiebay.blogspot.com/2007/12/you-shut-your-mouth-how-dare-you-say.html

So when I was caught in the abusive relationship with the Monster, I was not "allowed" to be friends with this lady, and even if I was, she was not interested in being my friend anyway as she did not approve of the relationship and kind of had the vision to see what was to come, that the relationship would end up violently if not tragically.

After all was said and done and I came to work broken, bruised and beaten, she came over to me and didn't really say I told you so, but expressed her sadness at what had happened and hoped I had learned and would finally stay away from this man. I did and I did.

We managed to slowly rebuild the friendship. It was difficult, as she had really felt I had hurt her, and I know that I did say some terrible things to her, but I was the one who was in the abusive relationship. I was the one who was forced to tell her things I did not mean because this horrible man was going to knock me across a room if I did not.

So fast forward to last week. She asked me to giver her a ride home as her car was in the shop and invited me to come to her house for a quick visit after work to have a glass of wine and see her Christmas tree. I gracefully accepted. Grateful that I would be welcomed in her home after all the pain and drama of the past year. As we sat chatting, I shared this gratitude with her and we got into a conversation on the rebuilding of our relationship and a few stories of past hurts, etc. At some point in the conversation, I extended an invitation to her and her partner to come to my house one day this week to come to my house and see my tree and maybe have a bite to eat. I did not realize she fully accepted this invite without consulting with her girlfriend and that it was set in stone, that the day would be today.

So now it is Christmas Eve, and Christmas, and a million things to do and a busy week and at some point during the week, I invited new guys parents to my house for dinner tonight, completely forgetting about the invitation I extended to my friend from work. I come back to work today and we are all catching up, and chatting and I mention that the new guys parents are coming for dinner and a few minutes later I get this email from my work friend:

"I need to just kind of “put this out there” because it’s a little unsettling to me that, well, I guess you totally forgot that you had invited me and *** to come over tonight to see your tree and “possibly meet new guy” – but of course you’ve made other plans. It’s awkward for me --and while *** asked me to thank you but said she couldn’t make it because she’s working until 8, I guess tonight when she asks what I ended up doing I can just make up some reason that I told you I couldn’t make it – or I could tell her that we were sort of uninvited because you’d made other plans – but in any case it puts me back to a place I don’t want to be in.

I wouldn’t say anything like this in front of ** (our officemate) but there’s no other time I’d be able to talk to you. I know I used the word “unsettling” but the truth is it’s just plain hurtful. On Tuesday you’d made it very clear that you were extending this invitation. I know I didn’t misunderstand it. I just don’t know what it means that you would just forget about it. "

So of course I sent back my deepest apologies, how flaky of me, how sorry, etc. Only to be followed up with a series of emails about how my behavior makes her vulnerable, and my friendship is conditional, etc. etc. etc. I acknowledge I was wrong in forgetting, but it was not purposely. And certainly never intended to be hurtful.

Ten emails or so later, I have been forgiven, but basically also made to feel like a total loser and bad friend and person. Since when did EVERYTHING have to be so much work? Am I wrong to feel a little miffed about this? Was what I did so awful? Is it no longer acceptable or in vogue to be human and make a mistake?

Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land...

Last weekend, I met the new guys parents. Apparently I can really turn it on when I want to, as they loved everything about me. OK, maybe they are just happy that at 48 years old, he has found someone and he is happy.

I was ridiculously nervous. I felt like I was 18 years old and not 40 years old. I couldn't eat a thing all day. I spent hours trying on different outfits, feeling I had to look perfect. I could not understand why it was so important to me that they love me. I mean, clearly, it is better if they do, but still.

The meeting of his parents had started to become sort of a bone of contention with us. We have been seeing each other rather seriously for about 7 months. He spends alot of time with his parents and never invited me although his parents were quite anxious to meet me. I was a bit surprised when the last few weeks he kept asking me if we could go spend a few hours with his parents so I could meet them. I couldn't help but wonder why the sudden change of heart. Was it to appease his parents or me or was it because HE wanted me to meet them. His response was, that it was all three, and basically it was just the right time.

So my friends and family keep insisting that this is a really big "step" in our relationship, that this means we are serious, and he must be marriage minded, blah, blah, blah. I don't think this way at all. Although it did make me feel good that he brought me "home" so to speak. So yesterday he starts this weird little text message fight with me about the state of our relationship and how I seem increasingly unhappy and did I want to continue the relationship. WTF??

We talked it out, and I reassured him that I was very, very happy in this relationship and want very much to stay in it and that I will work harder at showing my feelings as I have a tendency to not let anyone in or to get to close for fear of them seeing the real me and not loving me anymore. Another character defect I am becoming aware of and going to work on removing.

So I guess I am a little afraid of how I am feeling, this is the most grown up relationship I have ever been in. This is a nice, gentle, good man that doesn't need me screwing with his head and his heart while I try to learn how to do this right and selflessly. I have to learn to not pick fights when I am feeling needy and instead ask to be reassured. I have to be willing to give the love I want back in return. I must realize that this isn't all about me, and I can not do things I know will hurt him. I have to be careful not to let this relationship take on a life of it's own and move at a pace I am not ready for. Like everything else in my life, I have to remember to take it one step at a time. And I have to remind myself to have fun and to not take it all so seriously.

So, OK, not one of my more interesting posts, but it is what is going on with me today. Love you all much!

My soul slides away, but don't lookback in anger...

Today I am struggling with lots of angry feelings. Resentments and anger. When I made the decision to buy a house with my parents in order to help my father and upon his passing, be there for my mother, I knew it would not be an easy ride.

My mother and I are very close. More like sisters or friends than mother and daughter and this sometimes creates a problem within itself. You guessed it: boundary issues. For the most part we get along but lately there been a storm brewing slowly, yet powerfully, within our relationship beneath the surface.

I feel a certain level of resentment from her when I spend alot of time with the new guy. Mind you, I rarely go out with him if La Petit is home, usually only on the weekends when he is with his father or the one night during the week when he has dinner with him. On the opposite weekends, when La Petit is home with me, sometimes New Guy will come over, and so will the Prince and his G/F and we will all order a pizza, watch movies, play a game etc. So it is not interfering with La Petit and leaving him out of the loop. On those weekends when I feel my son needs alone Mommy time, I have no problem telling New Guy that I can't see him.

Earlier this week, I met my mother at a local mall after work to do some shopping. I had planned on meeting new guy afterwards for a quick dinner. My mother got a bit pissy saying why did I need to see him so much? And why during the week? And I understand she is lonely and sad, an alcoholic. I hate that I am feeling and acting selfish and childish, but I need to build a life of my own as well.

If the new guy issue was the only problem, I could deal with it. We own the house jointly and as such, share all of the household expenses equally. We have a joint account and we each contribute the same amount to it each month. This account has a debit card that my mother holds. We sometimes shop together for food and household items together and pay for it out of this account. More often than not, I do more of the food shopping, take car of the puppy's expenses, etc. on my own and pay for it out of pocket. I never think twice about this.

Recently upon reviewing the balances on our account, I came across some charges for a price club like store, and questioned the expenses. Mind you, it is not a matter of trust, I trust my mother one hundred percent, but I couldn't understand where 3 trip to price club at over a hundred dollars a pop in under a weeks time. I do not feel extra food purchases for my brother and Christmas shopping is something that should be paid for using our joint account.

We discussed it briefly and I thought the issue had been put to rest. I didn't intend to sound accusatory, and thought I was behaving responsibly by tracking my own finances. In the evenings, when my mother begins her wine consumption, she has been bringing up the conversation repeatedly and becoming defensive and argumentative about the situation. She is also starting to snip at La Petit and it is becoming a battlefield in my home. I left my husband for that reason, and I am simply incapable of living that way again.

I love my mother and hate to fight with her. I hate how I am feeling today. I need to find a way to step outside of my anger. This is a major character defect of mine. When I am upset, or sad or unhappy or unsatisfied, it turns to anger. And my anger is an ugly thing, I take it out on all of those around me and I can not shake it off easily. After feeling angry last night I lashed out at La Petit and while doing so I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and the woman looking back at me was a scary, scary person.

Why do you come here? And why do you hang around?

Good morning all. Yes, I'm still around, just feeling incredibly lazy about blogging. I still check in with you all each morning though.

Having some really mixed feelings about the holidays and the loss of my Dad this past spring. I feel as though I should miss him more than I do. I keep having this same reoccurring dream about him, that he dies, we all go to his funeral, and then it turns out he wasn't really dead after all, and he is back, and then he just dies again. In the dream, I am thinking how my job just isn't going to believe this and won't give me the time off to go to his funeral again.

My father had been so sick for so long, that it was difficult to be around him. Painful almost. He suffered a massive stroke many years ago that left him paralyzed on his left side, then throw in the pancreatic cancer, numerous surgeries, and chemo therapy and it was like looking at the walking dead. It was difficult for him to get around, he walked with a cane, but very, very slowly. He fell more often then he did not. He lost control of his bowels not long before he entered the hospital for the last time. He would often vomit violently without notice and for hours on end. He had no life, and little dignity left for the last few years.

Being around made me anxious and nervous. I could barely stand to watch him fall. It just broke my heart to see him so sick, so broken. Although I miss my father, I am almost grateful that he is no longer with us. It just seems fairer that he is out of his misery, although he fought like hell to stay in this world. And that is where I feel so guilty.

I often long for the days of my early twenties when he was sick, but still functioned in life. My children were young, and although I was never happily married, I was content enough. Drugs, alcohol and addiction hadn't had their evil way with my family yet. Everything now is just, well, its just different. My mother is sad and lonely and drunk on wine most of the time. Her health isn't great and she doesn't seem to care. My Prince seems to be clean, I see him often enough, but I often have doubts if he is using by the hours he sometimes keeps. Sober people don't stay in bed till 5 or 6 in the evening on a Sunday, you know?

So I think I will throw out some gratitude for the things in the life that I do have to try to lift me up a bit this day.

• That I have a job that should remain secure through the fiscal nightmare our country is going through.
• La Petit having a better week in school so far and seems to be making a little more effort to take it a little more serious.
• For the pretty red wrapping paper I am using to wrap all of my presents in. I haven't done that in a really long time and it just looks so elegant.
• For the sweet man I am still dating. Taking it slow and easy in this relationship is nice.
• The Prince having and maintaining a decent job. I don't think he fully understands how bad the economy and job market is, and how lucky he is to have a job in the first place.
• For my precious puppy Saki, Sorry Lou, I am all about the my dog!! He is the love of my life and I have never been an animal person!
• For good friends that don't turn heir backs on me because I as bad at returning phone calls as I am about keeping my blog up to date.
• The gym membership I purchased a few weeks ago,haven't made it there yet, but I do have my gym bag in the car, just ready and waiting for me to get motivated.
• For all of the great bloggers out there that continue to awe and inspire me with their experience, strength and hope.

On a routine expedition...

Does anyone else remember this guy? Does anybody else ever wish that their fight for peace and survival in this world were more akin to that of the Marshall family fighting off humanoid insects and reptilian creatures instead of the real life drama in their lives? Sigh... maybe it's just me.

It's just another ordinary miracle today...

My world is, for the moment, calm. Just dealing with the little everyday dramas that the working Moms of the world deal with everyday. No more, no less. Thankfully, also being the mother of an addict, I have nothing to report on that front.

The Prince seems to be doing OK. He is still working full-time. He called this morning asking if he had his own skis, as he was planning a ski trip in January with his girlfriend and some other couples. Planning a ski trip!!! Like a normal child! (I know I know, normal is relative) But still, it just made me feel good to hear him making plans to do something constructive.

I offered to borrow a set of skis from the man I am seeing, as he used to be an avid skier. The Prince graciously declined my offer, as he did not want to borrow some one elses skis in case something happened to them. Could this be... Responsible thinking??

As the summer days blended quietly into autumn, I have found myself spending more and more time with the new guy. Things are mostly good, and we are becoming rather comfortable together. Comfort finds me wanting to cook for him, and alot more nights on the couch watching movies and eating junk food. Comfort has me wearing my fat jeans to the office today as my normal work clothes seem to be shrinking at an alarming rate. I have always had body image issues and this is not good for me. Imagine my horror when my office mate told me yesterday that I was looking curvy and that I should maybe think up upgrading my clothing size!! Today, as she walked behind me back up the stairs after a fire drill, she whispered to me that she was going to start calling me "Big Butt". She tried to back it up, like now I finally have a butt and it looks good etc. But really? Who says these kinds of things? And now it could well make me not enjoy the amazing cheese fondue I have planned for tonight....

No more words...

Courtesy wordle.net, I gave it my blog URL and it created this word cloud. Very insightful. Make your own.

So when you feel like hope is gone, Look inside you and be strong...

I found this little blurb in the back of my date book this morning. I came across it a few years ago when my Prince was deep within his disease and I had taped it on my bathroom mirror, under my keyboard, and various other places so I could see it and read it often. It gave me much needed hope and comfort in those early days, long before I had the strength and power to learn to Let go and Let God.

These days my Prince is clean, not necessarily sober, he still drinks alcohol, but he is drug free, working full time, leading a productive life and we have built a loving adult relationship. I am extremely proud of him and all that he has overcome. I know enough that it will always be one day at a time with him, but I have learned to trust in him and keep the boundaries that are so necessary to continue to love him in a way that is healthy for us both.

Anyway, I thought I would share it with you all now in the spirit that it can give someone else the comfort it gave me.

*****

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GIVE UP

That child who upsets you so much is the same little boy or girl who,

only yesterday gave you such joy.

They're in way over their heads,

and they never needed you quite as much

as they need you now.

No matter what they say.

*****

Wishing you all a safe, sober and Happy Halloween. Much love to you all!

What comes around, goes around...

The monster who beat me a few months back is due back in court next week for sentencing. I have been asked to write a letter giving an overview of the relationship and detailing the abuse and subsequent impact on me since.

This is what I am sending them over today. Your comments, are most welcome.

XXX County Probation Department
Att: Officer XXX
County Seat Drive
XXX, NY 11111

RE: The Monster
Offense: March 10, 2008

October 30, 2008

Dear Officer XXX:

In the early hours of March 10, 2008, I was the victim of a physical assault, in my home, at the hands of the defendant, The monster, which resulted in his immediate arrest. I have been asked by Probation Officer XXX for a synopsis of my relationship with the defendant, my comments and recommendation as to his sentencing and the impact of the attack on my family and I.

I met the defendant, who was a friend of one of my relatives in the fall of 2007, as I was ending an 18 year marriage. We began seeing each other regularly, and within 2 or 3 weeks of seeing each other, the defendant proclaimed he loved me, and began requiring constant reassurance that he "mattered" to me. He needed and wanted to be important in my world. When we spent time together it was never enough. When I had to go home, he would become angry and sullen; disappointed that I didn't feel the same about leaving him. The defendant often stated that I clearly didn't love him as much as he loved me and if I did, I would dismiss my responsibilities and spend more time with him. When I went out with friends, he would find emergent reasons to call me and keep me on the phone while I was out, and then accuse me of making him look foolish in front of my friends. Insisting I inform my friends how much I was in love with him and how important our relationship was to me, that it was my priority. There was also constant warnings about not to speak to other men, because that would make me look like a whore, and how he "expected" that I would act appropriately as his "good little girl".

After I moved into my new house in November 2008, the defendant almost immediately moved himself in, without invitation. We fought a lot, and the fights tended to be the result of his jealousy and insecurity. According to the defendant, I spent too much time talking with son, or my mother, who lived in the house with me, and in his opinion I didn’t let my mother know just how important he was to me. He often complained I did not show enough affection in front of others and therefore I was being cold, distant and disrespectful. Every argument was the same, that I didn't treat him with enough respect, that I would make him look like a "chump" and that he was the best thing that has ever or will ever happen to me, and that I was going to loose him and I would be sorry for it. How I was going to end up an old lonely bitter woman.
Prior to my relationship with the defendant, I was married to the same man for 18 years. I married at a very young age to a gentle, non-confrontational man, and did not have a lot of experience with relationships or dating. As a result, I did not realize that the jealousy, rage, anger and violence the defendant directed towards me by the defendant, were signs of abuse, not love. These behaviors were controlling, emotionally and physically abusive, and as much as I wished it would change, that the defendant could change, it would not. I can see now, that allowing the defendant to stay in my life, and to continue the relationship with him were the result of my suffering from Battered Woman Syndrome.

The first “red flag” the defendant showed that I did not recognize as unstable behavior at the time, occurred when he would become angry, he would literally punch himself in the head, repeatedly. Sometimes with his fists, sometimes with a cell phone or with whatever he had in his hands. He once smashed my cell phone against his head, breaking it, when he saw that a platonic, male friend had called me. I was then instructed to call my friend and tell him we were not going to be friends any longer

The defendant would question me, to the point of harassment about my past relationships and my marriage. Demanding to know why I stayed married so long if my marriage was an unhappy one, and then he would insult me and say horrible things about me and how pathetic I was that I stayed with my ex-husband for so long, and then he would switch gears and insist that he bets that I stilled loved my ex-husband, and that I was a lying bitch, and how stupid I was for loving my husband at all.
As the relationship continued, his jealousy and insecurity grew. He expected, or rather, demanded me to despise my ex-husband and to cease any relationship with him or his family. He did not see any reason for us to communicate, and if for some reason I had to, it should be done in his presence and I should be nasty and hurtful to him.

During this time, adding to my vulnerability, my father was very sick and was living out what was to be his final days in the hospital suffering from Pancreatic Cancer. The defendant would not allow me to visit my father; in case my ex-husband was visiting and insisted I wait for him to make these visits. This often resulted in much shorter visits than I preferred with my Dad, and have left me deeply regretful as my father passed away in May of this year. When we weren’t together, the defendant would insist I spend as much time as possible speaking to him on the telephone. I was often late for work in the mornings, as he would insist I stay on the phone with him while he drove over an hour commuting to his job. He would expect me to be available to speak with him all day while I was at work, or while I was at lunch. I hold a responsible position as an administrator in a school district and this impacted negatively on my job performance at this time.
When we argued, he would insult my friends, my family, my clothes and my job. He would stop at nothing to make me feel little and awful. He knew my weaknesses and preyed on them. When we weren't fighting he would say he only said these things in anger and to hurt me because I hurt him so deeply and often. It was a vicious cycle that left me confused and hurt.The first real sign of violence occurred one evening we were having an argument, when he became enraged and smashed a wine bottle, shattering it, leaving a trail of broken glass across my kitchen, then went into my bedroom and smashed and broke my jewelry box and shredded some clothes I had just purchased.

On other occasions, he has smashed my car windshield, kicked numerous dents into my car, thrown and dumped my belongings around my bedroom and home while packing his clothes, tore down my closet organizers, spit on me, threw phones, glasses, and other items across the room and into walls. These incidents have been documented with prior police reports that are on file with the District Attorney.
The physical violence I endured, up to and including the final beating started with a smack across the face, being shoved a few times, to being strangled so violently that I was in the air with my feet dangling, confident that I was going to die. Being dragged out of a restaurant by my hair, face smashed into the car door. When he hit, it was usually with a closed fist to the eye. The last beating included repeated closed fist punches to the face, choking me, throwing me around and across the room, and numerous punches to my ribs and torso.

It is my absolute belief, if my mother were not at home at the time of the attack, and if she did not hear my screams and come to my aid, that the defendant could have and would have killed me. This is something I struggle to deal with on a daily basis.

As a result of the assault, I was out of work for a quite awhile. Upon my return, I wore sunglasses for over two weeks to try to hide the severely blackened eyes I suffered as a result of the beating. I was in physical pain for months, and I am still under the care of a chiropractor for the treatment of a herniated disk and other trauma that was done to my back and neck as a direct result of this attack. I still struggle to understand my own feelings about the battering. I no longer feel a sense of personal safety, and I suffer from feelings of helplessness and fear.

My 12 year old son was in the house during the assault, and although he thankfully did not wake up at the time, he is now in therapy trying to work through his fears and feelings of guilt as to not being able to come to my aide while this was happening. He worries constantly and lives in fear of someone trying to cause me harm or death. He suffers anxiety attacks and nightmares and can barely let me out of his sight.

As far as my recommendation to the courts in regard to his sentencing, I do not feel that I am in a position to make such recommendations, as I trust the court to prosecute the defendant to the fullest extent possible. However, I would like it stated for the record, that I am quite disappointed that the additional charges were dropped and the defendant will only be charged with assault. It is my opinion that the defendant is a menace, and is dangerous to himself and to others. I am confident that the court will continue the order of protection against him and the defendant will be punished accordingly and severely as it sees fit.

Sincerely,

S.O.S. Please someone help me...

I just got an email from La Petite's guidance counselor, telling me that he was seen smoking yesterday afternoon, off school grounds and after hours. There will be no disciplinary action. What the Fuck do I do now??? Can anyone say.... gateway???

It's time to spread our wings and fly...

I had planned on writing a light hearted post today on my lovely trip last week to Mexico. A trip I took with two friends of mine; we cross over 3 generations of women, I am 40, one is 53 and the other is 64. Chronologically speaking, one could be my sister, the other my mother. Each of us has become single over the last year for three very different reasons, I choose to leave my alcoholic husband of 18 years, the 53 year old lost her husband of 28 years to cancer, and the husband of the eldest of our group, left her for another woman after 43 years of marriage. Alas, this post will have to wait for another day.

Instead, I have some random thoughts that are quite honestly annihilating my ability to think straight, let alone function at my job. So, in living true to name of my blog, I need to share some of the things that truly lead me to believe... This can't be it...

Why oh why is it that I can not have a nice family meal with both of my children and my mother without the kids fighting, my blood pressure boiling and it just being miserable?

Why cant I accept the fact that I am not 20 years old any longer and any relationship I have with a man is not going to be all bells and whistles and I simply can not expect it to be all flowers and romance. But can I at least ask for an occasional flower?

Why is it that La Petit just cant seem to get his act together in school, at home, etc. And why oh why can I not learn to trust him just a little and stop blaming him for the sins of his brother?

Why am I constantly filled with this weird urgent sense of anticipation, when there is essentially, really nothing going on? What am I waiting for?

Why couldn't I have had the happy ending? The intact family? The loving husband, adoring children? The Ivy League education?

Why did my soul mate, whom I still communicate with daily via email, make a statement to me last week, while discussing his dissatisfaction with his life and his marriage, why did he choose the words, "this cant be it" to end his email? Did he find my blog or he is really my soul mate?

Why do I need constant reassurance from others that I am still pretty, smart, worthy? Why oh why can I not find it within myself?

Why did I allow that monster into my home, and into my life and to reap the damage he has done and he gets to just go about his business and I feel like a fool for it?

Why cant I just start over?

Vacation's all I ever wanted...

I am back in the office today after a week long vacation to beautiful Mexico with two good friends I used to work with. Just popping in to say hello and will try to catch up with all your blogs and write a post worthy of your precious reading time.

So go ahead and get gone...

La Petite is giving me alot of trouble lately. This is a bright kid, master manipulator, and the love of my life. However, he is pushing limits. He seems to have become fascinated with marijuana. I found an online screen name he created where his name is "Pothead". The little trollop that is his on again off again sweetheart sent him a text message stating that "La Petit is a pot head, but he is my pothead". I drug tested him randomly over the last week, and he is coming up clean. I think he thinks it is "cool" to talk about drugs and to pretend he uses them. We had gotten into a long conversation about how cool and funny it was when he brother destroyed his own life, our family life and the million other things he has done to hurt this family when he was using. It's always something.

I feel he is looking to find a place he belongs. Unfortunately, he knows alot more about drugs than most of his peers based on what he has seen. I honestly thought he would be so very against drugs. I know I may sound like I have my head planted deeply up my backside, cause we all know how easy it is to pretend this isn't happening to "my" kid. I know better. I am just going to ride his little butt like nobodys' business and he better hope I do not so much as catch him spitting on the sidewalk.

I am trying really hard not to freak out, lecture and loose my cool with this kid. I am trying to be understanding. But let me tell you, it just isn't easy. I find myself detaching already, not letting myself get set up for the pain this could cause me. Instead of freaking out, I have told him calmly, on more than one occasion, that if that is the path he chooses, that he might as well pack up his crap and move in with his father, and I will gladly write the child support check each week and let him deal with it.

He should know I am not playing. I threw out his brother and cut him out of my life for using on more than one occasion and also had no problem putting his father to the curb. Good parenting skills? Doubtful. Self preservation? Absolutely.

You got it in you, find it within you...

Ok, so are y'all wearing your jeans today to support cancer? I was happy to pay $5 to wear jeans to work to support finding a cure today. My place of employment raised over $700 in just over an hour this morning. Yay us!

So yeah. 4 months and 3 days ago I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer. A dear friend of one of my best friends, was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on June 18th of this year. June 20th she turned 40 years old. She has lymph node involvement, not a good thing. The Uncle of the man I am seeing, was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer a little more than 6 weeks ago. He is already in pain and is now in a wheelchair. It is highly unlikely he will see another Christmas.

I am sending prayers and love to those of you who have been touched with this other awful disease besides the disease of addiction we battle every day. So this is all I have to say today kids. Lets find a cure!!

(BTW, I am such a new yorker, I never say y'all in real life, I just love it!!!)

I bet you think this song is about you...

Judith at Vicarious Rising tagged me. I don't know why it makes me feel so special to be tagged, but it does!! I'm sure I have done this one before, but I will do it again anyway, just cause Judith loves me enough to have asked....

Here are the rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.

2. Mention the rules on your blog.

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Six Unspectacular Things About Me

1. I am a bed snob. I have yet to sleep in a bed that I feel is on par with my own. I have the most fabulous over sized king bed that my friends tease me is comparable to that slept in by the Princess in the old fable, the Princess and the Pea. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on high thread count sheets, soft blankets, and pillows. I always sleep with at least one bottle of water and my cell phone next to me, or usually hidden under a pillow. I still don't sleep very well and rarely sleep through the night.
2. It took me well over 30 minutes to figure out how to create the link above to Judith's blog. I am feeling ridiculously proud of myself for doing so, and this feeling of pride will likely last all day and set the tone for a much better afternoon. Some times, it really is all about the little things.
3. I love fresh cut flowers, but hate roses. I almost always have a vase of cut white flowers on the nightstand next to my (fabulous) bed in my room and a bouquet in the living room. They don't have to be expensive and they rarely are. I usually buy them from the grocery store and I love the way they look poking out from my shopping bag. Flowers just make me smile on the inside.
4. I dress well, but do not and have not ever really had a style or a look of my own. I always aspire too, but my look is basically pretty simple, in the summer I usually wear almost all white, and the winter, its pretty much all black.
5. I am also incredibly anal retentive when it comes to my clothes and my closets. My closes are color coordinated. It starts on one end with white blouses and goes through a spectrum of colors until it reaches the black blouses. It makes my life a lot easier and I love to look at all of my clothes all in order. I also keep my shoes in their original shoe boxes and have a collection that could be considered the poor girls Imelda collection.
6. My children are not gifted. They are just ordinary, no special talents, not particularly good students, not athletically inclined. But to me they are the most amazing creatures on this Earth. Sometimes when I can feel how much they love me too, I think I may just burst with joy.

So that's some more unspectacular little things you didn't need to know about me, so lets hear some unspectacular stuff from: Misery Marketing, my bestest BFF Tab, Wife of Dingus, Skillz, Beth and Cat. Have fun y'all.

Shut up, shut up, Don't wanna hear it...

On my drive into the office this morning I had a long phone conversation with a good friend. Actually, she is married to one of my cousins. Her husband is the brother of my cousin who introduced me to the monster last year. In order to simplify this, I will call her, Buzz.

Buzz and I are the youngest of 21 first cousins in our family. I am just a little more than a year older than her. We were always rather close growing up. She has 5 older brothers and no sisters. As I also have only a brother, so we were sort of like sisters growing up as our families were very close.

As we grew up, we began to develop our own form of sibling rivalry. Her parents did not have alot of money for extras, as they were raising 6 children, whereas my parents, both worked, and there was only my brother and I, she therefore felt like I had it easier and better. We were both married and had children at around the same time. My two children were born six years apart, and I was able to buy a house before the birth of my second child. She had her three children within 4 years of each other and lived with her parents until they could afford to rent a small house.

She was a very poor money manager and did not want to work. They were always behind in their rent, phones and electric turned off, etc. It bothered her that I did not endure the same problems. She drank alot, ate alot. Never lost her baby weight. Jealousy started brewing and kind of tainted our relationship over the years. We would go through fazes of spending time together, speaking regularly, and then she would feel some unwarranted anger towards me. Then she would go out of her way to bash me and spread gossip and lies about me throughout the family.

Fortunately for me, most people in our family know what she is like and that she has a big problem telling the truth, and so it never really bothered me much. My regret here, is that I usually ended up forgiving her and moving past the drama and reconnecting. This is how I ended up meeting the monster.

She was friends with him and encouraged the two of us getting together. That is, until he and I were together. Suddenly she wasn't so happy about it. She basically trash talked him to me and trash talked me to him. Ultimately, we once again stopped speaking.

After the Monster beat me, she sent me a brief email inquiring if I was OK and I replied, that No, I most certainly was not. No response form her. Whatever. Fast forward to now. The friend I spoke to this morning has informed me that Buzz, is telling anyone that will listen various versions of the story of why I was beaten. One version states that I was jumping on his back, scratching his eyes out and putting cigarettes out on his body and he had to "knock" all 100lbs of me off of him to protect himself. Another version states that we were fighting over drugs (!) and that is how it started. Another version states it was all exaggerated and I knew the cops, was probably sleeping with the cops, and that is how I got him arrested, because I was madly in love with him and he was trying to break up with me.

I am furious. I am indignant. I mean who the F is this person to talk trash about me when she has no idea at all about what happened? A part of me wants to call or email her and defend myself. Tell the truth, set the record straight. I realize, clearly, that this cousin is one sick puppy and I need to never reconnect with her again. She has issues. Issues that I don't feel comfortable sharing here. Kind of like, don't want to sling any mud when she cant defend herself, you know?

I am just feeling very hurt and can not believe that this person has nothing better to talk about than what happened to me, at the hands of her friend. We all know the old saying, there are three sides to every story, his, mine and the truth. It irritates me that she feels compelled to spread this nonsense about me without at least attempting to hear my side of the story.

Buzz is getting married again in a few weeks. The monster is in her wedding party. This is creating quite a stir within the family. People who I have never told about the beating. She is the person who made sure everyone in the family knew what happened. So, I am now, once again, the subject of gossip and lies, not to mention it is being said that I got what I deserved.

I cant help but feel angry and want to defend myself. And then this morning, when I arrived at work, the following "recipe" was in my email in box:

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________ Today I accomplished _________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

I feel better already!

What I want, is to find my place...

So the cutie pies above, they are MY babies. Princess is on the left, I share "custody" of her with the Prince. On the right is Sake, he is the love of my life. The puppies below, well, I just thought they were cute and smiley. Sorry for the confusion.

I have been caught all up in my own head alot lately. This is definitely not a good thing. I rarely feel light and happy any more and always feel as though there is something scratching beneath the surface of my brain.

I have been feeling very sad and longing for different times. Days when I was younger and happier and when my life still held surprises and hope. I know I sound rather dark and morbid, quite honestly, that is how I am feeling.

It saddens me when I look at my life, the life of children, and my family. My mother is a widow at 63. She is an alcoholic. She wants to retire. It seems as though she is unsure and incapable of rebuilding a life for herself without my Dad. She has no desire to stop drinking. Her life consists of getting up, going to work, coming home and waiting for it be early enough to open the wine.

My brother is going to be 43 years old in November. He is a diabetic who has lost 3 toes and much of his foot due to his disease. He still has a gaping hole on the bottom of his foot from the last amputations and it is still not healing. They have tried everything, and still it will not close. It is likely that he will lose the foot and his lower leg as a result. He is collecting SSI as he is unable (unwilling?) to work. He has less than five thousand dollars in the bank to get him through, well, basically the rest of his life unless he wins lotto or my Mom dies and he gets an inheritance. He is divorced from his first wife, whose young son believes my brother is his father. This is a good thing because his mom is an alcoholic/addict. My brother may be a mess, but at least he is a constant in this boys life. This boy, my nephew, has begun his own journey down the path we all know so well: failing/cutting school, smoking pot, a few beers now and then, breaking into my bros house when they were away on vacation, etc. He is 14 years old. My brother is just too sick and too tired (lazy?) to know what to do to help him. Been there, done that.

My younger son, La Petite, seems to be going through a slight depression. I have a sinking suspicion, that the summer girlfriend (little miss likes to take half naked pics of herself) has moved on and left him in the dust. Why this pleases me, it devastates to see him in pain, and we all know how those of us that carry the "gene" deal with pain... why we self medicate of course, and I am just scared to death that this is the path he will choose. The easy road.

I know I am powerless over the decisions and choices the people around me make. I can only control my own choices, and to be brutally honest, my own choices haven't been all that great lately. I have been drinking too much, and it frightens me a little. I too am finding it easier to just have a few glasses of wine and not think about the problems in my life. I have become the friend who always wants to have just one more glass of wine, before going to coffee. I have started to want a glass of wine or two before going out with the new guy to calm my nerves or so I feel more comfortable. All red flags, I know. And so not the example I want to set for La Petite.

I actually attended an open AA meeting a few weeks back. I was pretty quiet, sat alone in the back and did get up to introduce myself and accepted a desire coin. The few of my friends that I told thought I was crazy when I told them. I am not so sure. Do I believe I am an alcoholic? Again, I am not so sure. I know I have the potential, and I know I can drink too much. I also know this summer, there were more days in a row of drinking wine than there were sober. So I am currently abstaining. I will keep you posted on this latest twist.

Even though I have much more to share today, I will leave it at that, and try to get back into the habit of writing each day, because it is so cathartic for me and it is nice to know that are alot of you out there that follow, read and care. Much love to all of you. It means so much.