Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What I want, is to find my place...


So the cutie pies above, they are MY babies. Princess is on the left, I share "custody" of her with the Prince. On the right is Sake, he is the love of my life. The puppies below, well, I just thought they were cute and smiley. Sorry for the confusion.

I have been caught all up in my own head alot lately. This is definitely not a good thing. I rarely feel light and happy any more and always feel as though there is something scratching beneath the surface of my brain.

I have been feeling very sad and longing for different times. Days when I was younger and happier and when my life still held surprises and hope. I know I sound rather dark and morbid, quite honestly, that is how I am feeling.

It saddens me when I look at my life, the life of children, and my family. My mother is a widow at 63. She is an alcoholic. She wants to retire. It seems as though she is unsure and incapable of rebuilding a life for herself without my Dad. She has no desire to stop drinking. Her life consists of getting up, going to work, coming home and waiting for it be early enough to open the wine.

My brother is going to be 43 years old in November. He is a diabetic who has lost 3 toes and much of his foot due to his disease. He still has a gaping hole on the bottom of his foot from the last amputations and it is still not healing. They have tried everything, and still it will not close. It is likely that he will lose the foot and his lower leg as a result. He is collecting SSI as he is unable (unwilling?) to work. He has less than five thousand dollars in the bank to get him through, well, basically the rest of his life unless he wins lotto or my Mom dies and he gets an inheritance. He is divorced from his first wife, whose young son believes my brother is his father. This is a good thing because his mom is an alcoholic/addict. My brother may be a mess, but at least he is a constant in this boys life. This boy, my nephew, has begun his own journey down the path we all know so well: failing/cutting school, smoking pot, a few beers now and then, breaking into my bros house when they were away on vacation, etc. He is 14 years old. My brother is just too sick and too tired (lazy?) to know what to do to help him. Been there, done that.

My younger son, La Petite, seems to be going through a slight depression. I have a sinking suspicion, that the summer girlfriend (little miss likes to take half naked pics of herself) has moved on and left him in the dust. Why this pleases me, it devastates to see him in pain, and we all know how those of us that carry the "gene" deal with pain... why we self medicate of course, and I am just scared to death that this is the path he will choose. The easy road.

I know I am powerless over the decisions and choices the people around me make. I can only control my own choices, and to be brutally honest, my own choices haven't been all that great lately. I have been drinking too much, and it frightens me a little. I too am finding it easier to just have a few glasses of wine and not think about the problems in my life. I have become the friend who always wants to have just one more glass of wine, before going to coffee. I have started to want a glass of wine or two before going out with the new guy to calm my nerves or so I feel more comfortable. All red flags, I know. And so not the example I want to set for La Petite.

I actually attended an open AA meeting a few weeks back. I was pretty quiet, sat alone in the back and did get up to introduce myself and accepted a desire coin. The few of my friends that I told thought I was crazy when I told them. I am not so sure. Do I believe I am an alcoholic? Again, I am not so sure. I know I have the potential, and I know I can drink too much. I also know this summer, there were more days in a row of drinking wine than there were sober. So I am currently abstaining. I will keep you posted on this latest twist.
Even though I have much more to share today, I will leave it at that, and try to get back into the habit of writing each day, because it is so cathartic for me and it is nice to know that are alot of you out there that follow, read and care. Much love to all of you. It means so much.




13 comments:

Cat said...

I think if you have the family history along with the exposure then you definately should be thinking about it - hang in there. Cat

Syd said...

Someone who has been sober a long time told me that if you think you might have a problem, then you probably do. I'm glad that you went to the AA meeting. Your posts are always so honest.

Lou said...

Recognizing, admitting..the 1st steps. I think you need a clear head to deal with all the things in your life. I'm sure you will make the best decisions for you.

sKILLz said...

Wow sorry to hear about your brother. My mom is a diabetic and it runs in my family. She has had it for over an year and in that year she has lost over 100lbs
Which is a good thing because she was overweight, also cut down on her smoking.

You know I'm sorry I feeljust how you feel, powerless, angry, depressed.
I am going to blog on it later.
Thanks for following me.
Love you babies, I have pix of mine all over my blog...
Stay Up!
sKILLz

~ Tabitha ~ said...

That "potential" is enough to warn yourself of what can come next.
I speak from experience Kel.And I am so stoked you are open to the possibility of abstaining from drinking..it's worth it and YOU are worth it.
I wish you well in letting the sadness from your heart go Kel..it will become a wall if you let it..try rather to look at it like a bit of shade along your path in life..maybe you need a little more time to accept all those frustrating things you could never changed but fought so spiritually hard to try to change.
I know that fight.
I am grateful for your support from back then..remember? My fight is done now..my gloves are off and ya know what? Life is way better now.And so is my first born :)
Keep being honest with yourself..
BUT FOR CHRIST SAKES DON'T BE HARD ON YOURSELF....you deserve the language of letting go with I hope you dust off one of these days and actually starting reading!@!!!!!

Big hugs ...love Tab xoxo

~ Tabitha ~ said...

ps..I like your dogs ;)
xo

Beth said...

One day at a time. If going to meetings helps you, go for it.

vicariousrising said...

Ts good you're writing about how you're feeling and going to the AA meeting was probably a good idea, if for no other Reason than to acknowledge your life has become unmanageable.

I think I've mentioned to you before that my 8th grade son is on adderall for ADHD too, so I understand your concerns in that department, especially given my alcoholism. Plus 13 is a tough age for kids, lots of peer crap going on. Add puberty and, ugh.

Keep sharing, Kel. Maybe if you can focus on the things you can change, you might feel a little more hope than dwelling on what is wrong or how much better things were in the old days ( which may only seem better because time has passed).

{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}

pat said...

Much love to you too Kel.

Blankfrank06 said...

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Misery Marketing said...

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK OF THINKING I AM GIVING A POTENTIAL ALCOHOLIC A REASON TO DRINK!!!!! If you are being honest on your blog I would say that you are probably abusing alcohol. That doesnt mean you are an alcoholic. If you can control the amount you drink to the point of switching to coffee at a point then I doubt you are technically an alcoholic YET. BUT its logical to think that you could abuse alcohol to the point of crossing a line into not having a choice about drinking or not drinking. As for the heavy heart well thats ok. I keep telling my wife that Im in year 2 of a 5 year depression so she can quit waiting for me to cheer up. Anyway I think its good that you are possibly going to chose a healthier way of dealing with your current life struggles. Talking about it all very honestly is such a swell start. Love you.

vicariousrising said...

Hi again. I've tagged you for a meme if you feel like doing a silly post. If not, no worries. Just thinking about you.

Heather said...

Kel, take it one day and one issue at a time. I admire your honesty. I think about you daily and I LOVE the furbabies! Take care and don't be such a stranger!