Tuesday, October 21, 2008

It's time to spread our wings and fly...

I had planned on writing a light hearted post today on my lovely trip last week to Mexico. A trip I took with two friends of mine; we cross over 3 generations of women, I am 40, one is 53 and the other is 64. Chronologically speaking, one could be my sister, the other my mother. Each of us has become single over the last year for three very different reasons, I choose to leave my alcoholic husband of 18 years, the 53 year old lost her husband of 28 years to cancer, and the husband of the eldest of our group, left her for another woman after 43 years of marriage. Alas, this post will have to wait for another day.

Instead, I have some random thoughts that are quite honestly annihilating my ability to think straight, let alone function at my job. So, in living true to name of my blog, I need to share some of the things that truly lead me to believe... This can't be it...

Why oh why is it that I can not have a nice family meal with both of my children and my mother without the kids fighting, my blood pressure boiling and it just being miserable?

Why cant I accept the fact that I am not 20 years old any longer and any relationship I have with a man is not going to be all bells and whistles and I simply can not expect it to be all flowers and romance. But can I at least ask for an occasional flower?

Why is it that La Petit just cant seem to get his act together in school, at home, etc. And why oh why can I not learn to trust him just a little and stop blaming him for the sins of his brother?

Why am I constantly filled with this weird urgent sense of anticipation, when there is essentially, really nothing going on? What am I waiting for?

Why couldn't I have had the happy ending? The intact family? The loving husband, adoring children? The Ivy League education?

Why did my soul mate, whom I still communicate with daily via email, make a statement to me last week, while discussing his dissatisfaction with his life and his marriage, why did he choose the words, "this cant be it" to end his email? Did he find my blog or he is really my soul mate?

Why do I need constant reassurance from others that I am still pretty, smart, worthy? Why oh why can I not find it within myself?

Why did I allow that monster into my home, and into my life and to reap the damage he has done and he gets to just go about his business and I feel like a fool for it?

Why cant I just start over?


Syd said...

Kel, you've asked a lot of important questions for which I can only reply: because life isn't a script. I've wondered some of these same things and come to the conclusion that I may want things to be perfect but that means that I have unreal expectations and am trying to play God. I cannot look to another to complete me or have things be perfect through my control. It just doesn't work that way. People have a mind of their own. And they have their selfishness, their anger, their issues. This isn't a movie that I am acting in but real life. And that means that I deal with life on life's terms, not on mine.

AlkySeltzer said...

Why can you NOT start over? At age 40 *I* did! It worked.

Why didn't you write that "Lighthearted Post"? -grin-

Really, I'm sorry I do not have answers for your "whys". But I'll probably lie awake thinking up answers. So, thanks a lot...Hmmmmmmmm!
-another grin-!
Now I KNOW it's my bed time!

Fractalmom said...

I asked God once, and only once....

Why ME?

the answer I got was

Who better?

Lou said...

I try not to ask so many questions.
I don't want to start over, I know that. I like the whole emotional roller coaster idea.
I agree with AlkySelz. At 40 there are some things you can start over with.

Molls said...

Kel, are you going to Alanon? These blogger peeps really encouraged me and I'm SO GLAD that I did. I don't think it will answer your questions, but maybe give you a different ones and people to ponder them with you.

Pam said...

All I know is that I got sober at 35. That was 17 years ago and I completely re-defined myself. Jumped off the roller coaster...looked around and said "hmm OK, this is what I've got to work with" and set out on a new road.
Dinner with family is over-rated.
Romance is over-rated.
Flowers are cheap-go buy some.
Kids leave home-thank goodness.
Paint your room lavender, join a class and start calling yourself Louisa or Rita.
Men require as much work as teenagers.
You'll come thru this darlin'!!!

Cat said...

Hey Kel - I totally get it - I know the questions that are eating at your insides and that you just cannot seem to figure out the answer's for - I started actively hitting up Al-Anon meetings about four weeks back - only two weeks ago did I find a meeting that felt right and then I bought the 12 step book. I have used up all of my own resources and tools for understanding - so I am looking to Al-Anon for help in just being and I hope that the answer's will come some day.
(hugs!) Cat

~ Tabitha ~ said...

Tab throwing the book she gave Kel at Kel's head.....................

vicariousrising said...

I heard somewhere recently that it's never too late to have a happy childhood. Of course, I don't think it's wise to regress into immaturity, but I do think every day is a chance to do things differently. In my case, I did what the slogan said, changed the things I had the power to change and tried to accept those things I could not. A good chunk of the things I couldn't change were the actions of other people. I agree with what all the others commented too, especially Syd's play analogy.

Beth said...

I always find that asking why is the first step to finding the answers.

Anonymous said...

I used to ask, "Why me?" and then I realized, "Why NOT me?" Why did I think that I was so special that I should be exempt from all of life....the good and the bad. I'll be praying for you, sweetie!

P.S. Get you ass to a meeting if you aren't going! LOL