I had planned on writing a light hearted post today on my lovely trip last week to Mexico. A trip I took with two friends of mine; we cross over 3 generations of women, I am 40, one is 53 and the other is 64. Chronologically speaking, one could be my sister, the other my mother. Each of us has become single over the last year for three very different reasons, I choose to leave my alcoholic husband of 18 years, the 53 year old lost her husband of 28 years to cancer, and the husband of the eldest of our group, left her for another woman after 43 years of marriage. Alas, this post will have to wait for another day.
Instead, I have some random thoughts that are quite honestly annihilating my ability to think straight, let alone function at my job. So, in living true to name of my blog, I need to share some of the things that truly lead me to believe... This can't be it...
Why oh why is it that I can not have a nice family meal with both of my children and my mother without the kids fighting, my blood pressure boiling and it just being miserable?
Why cant I accept the fact that I am not 20 years old any longer and any relationship I have with a man is not going to be all bells and whistles and I simply can not expect it to be all flowers and romance. But can I at least ask for an occasional flower?
Why is it that La Petit just cant seem to get his act together in school, at home, etc. And why oh why can I not learn to trust him just a little and stop blaming him for the sins of his brother?
Why am I constantly filled with this weird urgent sense of anticipation, when there is essentially, really nothing going on? What am I waiting for?
Why couldn't I have had the happy ending? The intact family? The loving husband, adoring children? The Ivy League education?
Why did my soul mate, whom I still communicate with daily via email, make a statement to me last week, while discussing his dissatisfaction with his life and his marriage, why did he choose the words, "this cant be it" to end his email? Did he find my blog or he is really my soul mate?
Why do I need constant reassurance from others that I am still pretty, smart, worthy? Why oh why can I not find it within myself?
Why did I allow that monster into my home, and into my life and to reap the damage he has done and he gets to just go about his business and I feel like a fool for it?
Why cant I just start over?