Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Love can make you weep, can make you run for cover...

My youngest son is in grave danger of not passing the eighth grade. He is a very bright young man. He doesn't like to do homework, sometimes he doesn't feel like doing classwork or taking notes. Studying is a word that does not exist in his vocabulary. He really likes to talk and socialize. He likes to somehow manage to get his hands on red bulls and soda and brings it to class. He has a wicked attention deficit with hyperactivity and red bull and soda do not mix well with it. He recently took a geography quiz and scored a 10 out of a hundred. Seriously. My mother of an addicts memory keeps whispering in my ear... this is using behavior.

I am in a relationship with a man that is becoming less and less fulfilling. He does not like to spend time with my family. He prefers me to be at his small apartment than to come to my large house. He does not care if we see each other on holidays. When I tell him this hurts my feelings he does not understand. On the other hand he is very kind to me and gentle. He knows how I take my coffee, and serves it to me. He always has my favorite water in the fridge. He encourages me to take better care of myself. I know that he does love me. When my son is with his father on alternate weekends, we spend most of our time together. It is really quite possible that I am as broken as I think I am, and therefore just completely incapable of knowing how to behave in a relationship.

For the first time in many years, my relationship with my brother is in a really good place. He is a sick man, diabetic, has lost 3 toes from his disease in the last few years. He is 43 years old. He can not work. There is still a really nasty ulcer on the bottom of his foot that will not heal. It is likely he will loose this foot, sooner, rather than later. He is living with a lovely woman who is 10 years his senior. She has many of her one demons to fight. She has 3 children. The youngest of these children started having babies at the age of 15. She has 5 children under the age of 13. Most of the baby daddy's are incarcerated. There are at least 2 or 3 of them. She has never been on drugs and does not drink. She is currently living in a shelter because she has no job and no money. She bares more than a striking resemblance to the "Octo-Mom". My brother and his girlfriend are in no position to help her financially. My mother often has to help him. His SS payments leave him with less than $80 extra a month after paying the rent. We had a real long heart to heart conversation a few weeks ago and for the first time in my life, I do believe that he loves me. Saturday afternoon I am treating him to a play. Jesus Christ Superstar. It has always been our favorite. We have seen it many, many times over the years. It will be a pleasant day.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is in the hospital as I write this, sitting vigil by her fathers bedside awaiting his transfer to a Hospice Center. They are on the Death Watch. Her mother is my mothers best friend. Her father is my mothers first cousin. His mother and father were married to the sister and brother of my mothers parents. That's how it went down for the Irish Catholic in Brooklyn back then. This time last year, I was the one sitting vigil by fathers bedside awaiting his eminent death. It is very surreal to not be the one in pain, to not be the one who is frightened and sad. It hurts me to see my friend hurting. I know full well how profoundly her life will be changed following the loss of her father. My heart breaks for these people who have always been a part of my life. I think my mother feels a certain sense of glee over this. I know that sounds awful, but she is not an awful person. It just that my mom has suffered a great deal of loss and suffering in her life and she has always felt, with some degree of truth to it, that no one could understand.

I had to have a minor gynecological surgical procedure done yesterday. The removal of some precancerous cells. Not a big deal, but the first time my physician attempted the procedure a few weeks ago it did not take and it had to be redone last night. It all went well, I am on the four month follow plan to make sure I remain cancer free. I sent the man I spoke of a few paragraphs ago, a quick text message last night to let him it was done, that it went well and she was able to get all of the cells successfully. He wrote back that he was glad to hear it, and wouldn't bother me again last night so I could rest. OK, it is 10:56 a.m. here in NY, and I am obviously well enough to be here, in my office, writing this. Am I am wrong to think it would have been nice if he had bothered to contact me this morning to make sure I was OK? Just sayin'...

The man that I am sure is my soul mate, whom I dated when I was young, is now married, to someone else and she is an alcoholic. He is not happy, but he is committed. He is hopeful she will one day stop. He gives her ultimatums. She promises that next Monday will be the day. Next Monday comes and goes and she simply can not put the bottle down. I know, and He knows, that she is an alcoholic. But I know and You know that this is a disease, not just weakness on her part. She is powerless over alcohol. He did not cause this, he can not control it and he can not cure it. He does not accept this. He does not work a program. He is becoming a sad and broken man. We speak or email almost daily. I have not seen him in over 13 years. When we speak it is as if I just saw him last night. We have that connection. He will never leave her and she will probably never stop drinking. She is a lucky woman. HE called me first thing this morning to see how I felt and to make sure everything went well with the procedure last night. I may have to stop communicating with him soon, although I will miss him. It is starting to hurt. Just a little.

So this is just me, Kel. Stopping in to say hello.

13 comments:

Syd said...

Kel, I hope that you are working a program like Al-Anon. It helped me to not have many expectations of others and to keep the focus on me. I wrote a post about control today. I have no control over others. I think that looking to others to complete me made me the saddest human being ever.

Pen to Paper said...

And this is me, saying it is good to see you. You've got a full plate, as always. AS Dori would say:
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming... swimming... swimming

Cat said...

It is good to read about you again Kel.

Our boys are very much alike with the school work and lack of motivatin and the social butterfly thing - Here is hoping for their maturing process sooner rather than later!

Queenneenee said...

Hi KEL~I have an eighth grader in a similar situation. He is diagnosed bipolar and has a modified work plan at school, otherwise he would be failing! For sure! He doesn't do the homework either, you are NOT alone! Keep on him, it will bug the hell outta him but don't ever give up!
WOW on the rest of your post, you have a lot going on. Take care of yourself, and the rest will hopefully fall into place. Well, in a perfect world anyway!

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Oh Kel, there is so much going on for you right now it sounds like you are really having so many tugs at your heart. Resting, praying adn meditation, good music and a warm candlelit bath always help me.

I am sending you love and warmth.

G

mother of drug addict said...

Ok time for Deep cleansing breaths and gratitude thoughts. I think the guy your seeing is not a real emotional type guy and if you dont mind that, thats fine, but if it bothers you (as it seems it does) maybe its time to move on. (your choice, just my opinion) Keep on your son, maybe get him into a study group with kids he likes and it will seem more like fun to study. I used to help my girls study by making songs of the stuff we were studying, I know it sounds queer, but hay I know for a fact that it helped on some tests. good luck with your busy busy life!

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Kel,

Thanks for your comment on my blog. Here's the reply I left:

Kel,

Hiya & thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear about your boys... that's a hard thing for a mother to have to deal with. If you need anything... or have any questions, drop me a personal mail.

take care & BW, Shane.


Sorry for the late reply but I've been very busy this past week.

Wishing you all the best, Shane. x

Misery Marketing said...

my kids are getting ready for a wild ride through the teens too. Glad you blogged a little. Thanks for the love on my site too. Your comments are like sweet hugs.

Trying to take it one day at a time said...

I just discovered your blog and bad me spent days reading at work, instead of doing my work. I am hooked on your blog. I too have been through similar situations..... my cousin who is the same age as me has severe addiction issues and his laywers that are handling his numerous cases for stealing tell me he is the worst addict they've ever seen. He has two family members that still love him - me and his sister. I feel like I can't just walk away, but sometimes, we just need to.

I dated someone exactly like your monster, and was lucky enough to get out of there before any damage was seriously done (interesting enough he was dating a psycho whore within two days, that he had told me hated-two years later, they are still together)

I am very much an alcoholic, as I go home every night and drink at least a bottle of wine.

I have found a man that loves me dearly and treats me like a princess, but my baggage of my family keeps me stressed out non stop. I try to live life just one day at a time and take a lot of deep breaths and do yoga to clear my head of all the stress. Hope you keep posting and things turn out well for the little guy.

Athena said...

Oh Kel - Wow... Am thinking about you and all you've got going on...

I don't know if this apply's to your son, but I recently heard of a great program - an alternative education program that is... geraed towars students who "Have not experienced success in traditional academic programs" and is fundable by scholarship - wow. I'd have encouraged my daughter to apply if I had known about it - so I am sharing with you:

http://www.eaglerockschool.org

Blind Faith said...

I sure have missed you, Kel. I can't tell you what to do in regard to the beau. I just hope that you will take very good care of yourself because you deserve it. {{{Hugs}}}

pat said...

Kel, you sound so hopeless in this post. Please Please Please never lose hope. It is our life line.

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!