It's just another ordinary miracle today...

My world is, for the moment, calm. Just dealing with the little everyday dramas that the working Moms of the world deal with everyday. No more, no less. Thankfully, also being the mother of an addict, I have nothing to report on that front.

The Prince seems to be doing OK. He is still working full-time. He called this morning asking if he had his own skis, as he was planning a ski trip in January with his girlfriend and some other couples. Planning a ski trip!!! Like a normal child! (I know I know, normal is relative) But still, it just made me feel good to hear him making plans to do something constructive.

I offered to borrow a set of skis from the man I am seeing, as he used to be an avid skier. The Prince graciously declined my offer, as he did not want to borrow some one elses skis in case something happened to them. Could this be... Responsible thinking??

As the summer days blended quietly into autumn, I have found myself spending more and more time with the new guy. Things are mostly good, and we are becoming rather comfortable together. Comfort finds me wanting to cook for him, and alot more nights on the couch watching movies and eating junk food. Comfort has me wearing my fat jeans to the office today as my normal work clothes seem to be shrinking at an alarming rate. I have always had body image issues and this is not good for me. Imagine my horror when my office mate told me yesterday that I was looking curvy and that I should maybe think up upgrading my clothing size!! Today, as she walked behind me back up the stairs after a fire drill, she whispered to me that she was going to start calling me "Big Butt". She tried to back it up, like now I finally have a butt and it looks good etc. But really? Who says these kinds of things? And now it could well make me not enjoy the amazing cheese fondue I have planned for tonight....

No more words...

Courtesy wordle.net, I gave it my blog URL and it created this word cloud. Very insightful. Make your own.

So when you feel like hope is gone, Look inside you and be strong...

I found this little blurb in the back of my date book this morning. I came across it a few years ago when my Prince was deep within his disease and I had taped it on my bathroom mirror, under my keyboard, and various other places so I could see it and read it often. It gave me much needed hope and comfort in those early days, long before I had the strength and power to learn to Let go and Let God.

These days my Prince is clean, not necessarily sober, he still drinks alcohol, but he is drug free, working full time, leading a productive life and we have built a loving adult relationship. I am extremely proud of him and all that he has overcome. I know enough that it will always be one day at a time with him, but I have learned to trust in him and keep the boundaries that are so necessary to continue to love him in a way that is healthy for us both.

Anyway, I thought I would share it with you all now in the spirit that it can give someone else the comfort it gave me.

*****

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GIVE UP

That child who upsets you so much is the same little boy or girl who,

only yesterday gave you such joy.

They're in way over their heads,

and they never needed you quite as much

as they need you now.

No matter what they say.

*****

Wishing you all a safe, sober and Happy Halloween. Much love to you all!

What comes around, goes around...

The monster who beat me a few months back is due back in court next week for sentencing. I have been asked to write a letter giving an overview of the relationship and detailing the abuse and subsequent impact on me since.

This is what I am sending them over today. Your comments, are most welcome.

XXX County Probation Department
Att: Officer XXX
County Seat Drive
XXX, NY 11111

RE: The Monster
Offense: March 10, 2008

October 30, 2008

Dear Officer XXX:

In the early hours of March 10, 2008, I was the victim of a physical assault, in my home, at the hands of the defendant, The monster, which resulted in his immediate arrest. I have been asked by Probation Officer XXX for a synopsis of my relationship with the defendant, my comments and recommendation as to his sentencing and the impact of the attack on my family and I.

I met the defendant, who was a friend of one of my relatives in the fall of 2007, as I was ending an 18 year marriage. We began seeing each other regularly, and within 2 or 3 weeks of seeing each other, the defendant proclaimed he loved me, and began requiring constant reassurance that he "mattered" to me. He needed and wanted to be important in my world. When we spent time together it was never enough. When I had to go home, he would become angry and sullen; disappointed that I didn't feel the same about leaving him. The defendant often stated that I clearly didn't love him as much as he loved me and if I did, I would dismiss my responsibilities and spend more time with him. When I went out with friends, he would find emergent reasons to call me and keep me on the phone while I was out, and then accuse me of making him look foolish in front of my friends. Insisting I inform my friends how much I was in love with him and how important our relationship was to me, that it was my priority. There was also constant warnings about not to speak to other men, because that would make me look like a whore, and how he "expected" that I would act appropriately as his "good little girl".

After I moved into my new house in November 2008, the defendant almost immediately moved himself in, without invitation. We fought a lot, and the fights tended to be the result of his jealousy and insecurity. According to the defendant, I spent too much time talking with son, or my mother, who lived in the house with me, and in his opinion I didn’t let my mother know just how important he was to me. He often complained I did not show enough affection in front of others and therefore I was being cold, distant and disrespectful. Every argument was the same, that I didn't treat him with enough respect, that I would make him look like a "chump" and that he was the best thing that has ever or will ever happen to me, and that I was going to loose him and I would be sorry for it. How I was going to end up an old lonely bitter woman.
Prior to my relationship with the defendant, I was married to the same man for 18 years. I married at a very young age to a gentle, non-confrontational man, and did not have a lot of experience with relationships or dating. As a result, I did not realize that the jealousy, rage, anger and violence the defendant directed towards me by the defendant, were signs of abuse, not love. These behaviors were controlling, emotionally and physically abusive, and as much as I wished it would change, that the defendant could change, it would not. I can see now, that allowing the defendant to stay in my life, and to continue the relationship with him were the result of my suffering from Battered Woman Syndrome.

The first “red flag” the defendant showed that I did not recognize as unstable behavior at the time, occurred when he would become angry, he would literally punch himself in the head, repeatedly. Sometimes with his fists, sometimes with a cell phone or with whatever he had in his hands. He once smashed my cell phone against his head, breaking it, when he saw that a platonic, male friend had called me. I was then instructed to call my friend and tell him we were not going to be friends any longer

The defendant would question me, to the point of harassment about my past relationships and my marriage. Demanding to know why I stayed married so long if my marriage was an unhappy one, and then he would insult me and say horrible things about me and how pathetic I was that I stayed with my ex-husband for so long, and then he would switch gears and insist that he bets that I stilled loved my ex-husband, and that I was a lying bitch, and how stupid I was for loving my husband at all.
As the relationship continued, his jealousy and insecurity grew. He expected, or rather, demanded me to despise my ex-husband and to cease any relationship with him or his family. He did not see any reason for us to communicate, and if for some reason I had to, it should be done in his presence and I should be nasty and hurtful to him.

During this time, adding to my vulnerability, my father was very sick and was living out what was to be his final days in the hospital suffering from Pancreatic Cancer. The defendant would not allow me to visit my father; in case my ex-husband was visiting and insisted I wait for him to make these visits. This often resulted in much shorter visits than I preferred with my Dad, and have left me deeply regretful as my father passed away in May of this year. When we weren’t together, the defendant would insist I spend as much time as possible speaking to him on the telephone. I was often late for work in the mornings, as he would insist I stay on the phone with him while he drove over an hour commuting to his job. He would expect me to be available to speak with him all day while I was at work, or while I was at lunch. I hold a responsible position as an administrator in a school district and this impacted negatively on my job performance at this time.
When we argued, he would insult my friends, my family, my clothes and my job. He would stop at nothing to make me feel little and awful. He knew my weaknesses and preyed on them. When we weren't fighting he would say he only said these things in anger and to hurt me because I hurt him so deeply and often. It was a vicious cycle that left me confused and hurt.The first real sign of violence occurred one evening we were having an argument, when he became enraged and smashed a wine bottle, shattering it, leaving a trail of broken glass across my kitchen, then went into my bedroom and smashed and broke my jewelry box and shredded some clothes I had just purchased.

On other occasions, he has smashed my car windshield, kicked numerous dents into my car, thrown and dumped my belongings around my bedroom and home while packing his clothes, tore down my closet organizers, spit on me, threw phones, glasses, and other items across the room and into walls. These incidents have been documented with prior police reports that are on file with the District Attorney.
The physical violence I endured, up to and including the final beating started with a smack across the face, being shoved a few times, to being strangled so violently that I was in the air with my feet dangling, confident that I was going to die. Being dragged out of a restaurant by my hair, face smashed into the car door. When he hit, it was usually with a closed fist to the eye. The last beating included repeated closed fist punches to the face, choking me, throwing me around and across the room, and numerous punches to my ribs and torso.

It is my absolute belief, if my mother were not at home at the time of the attack, and if she did not hear my screams and come to my aid, that the defendant could have and would have killed me. This is something I struggle to deal with on a daily basis.

As a result of the assault, I was out of work for a quite awhile. Upon my return, I wore sunglasses for over two weeks to try to hide the severely blackened eyes I suffered as a result of the beating. I was in physical pain for months, and I am still under the care of a chiropractor for the treatment of a herniated disk and other trauma that was done to my back and neck as a direct result of this attack. I still struggle to understand my own feelings about the battering. I no longer feel a sense of personal safety, and I suffer from feelings of helplessness and fear.

My 12 year old son was in the house during the assault, and although he thankfully did not wake up at the time, he is now in therapy trying to work through his fears and feelings of guilt as to not being able to come to my aide while this was happening. He worries constantly and lives in fear of someone trying to cause me harm or death. He suffers anxiety attacks and nightmares and can barely let me out of his sight.

As far as my recommendation to the courts in regard to his sentencing, I do not feel that I am in a position to make such recommendations, as I trust the court to prosecute the defendant to the fullest extent possible. However, I would like it stated for the record, that I am quite disappointed that the additional charges were dropped and the defendant will only be charged with assault. It is my opinion that the defendant is a menace, and is dangerous to himself and to others. I am confident that the court will continue the order of protection against him and the defendant will be punished accordingly and severely as it sees fit.

Sincerely,

S.O.S. Please someone help me...

I just got an email from La Petite's guidance counselor, telling me that he was seen smoking yesterday afternoon, off school grounds and after hours. There will be no disciplinary action. What the Fuck do I do now??? Can anyone say.... gateway???

It's time to spread our wings and fly...

I had planned on writing a light hearted post today on my lovely trip last week to Mexico. A trip I took with two friends of mine; we cross over 3 generations of women, I am 40, one is 53 and the other is 64. Chronologically speaking, one could be my sister, the other my mother. Each of us has become single over the last year for three very different reasons, I choose to leave my alcoholic husband of 18 years, the 53 year old lost her husband of 28 years to cancer, and the husband of the eldest of our group, left her for another woman after 43 years of marriage. Alas, this post will have to wait for another day.

Instead, I have some random thoughts that are quite honestly annihilating my ability to think straight, let alone function at my job. So, in living true to name of my blog, I need to share some of the things that truly lead me to believe... This can't be it...

Why oh why is it that I can not have a nice family meal with both of my children and my mother without the kids fighting, my blood pressure boiling and it just being miserable?

Why cant I accept the fact that I am not 20 years old any longer and any relationship I have with a man is not going to be all bells and whistles and I simply can not expect it to be all flowers and romance. But can I at least ask for an occasional flower?

Why is it that La Petit just cant seem to get his act together in school, at home, etc. And why oh why can I not learn to trust him just a little and stop blaming him for the sins of his brother?

Why am I constantly filled with this weird urgent sense of anticipation, when there is essentially, really nothing going on? What am I waiting for?

Why couldn't I have had the happy ending? The intact family? The loving husband, adoring children? The Ivy League education?

Why did my soul mate, whom I still communicate with daily via email, make a statement to me last week, while discussing his dissatisfaction with his life and his marriage, why did he choose the words, "this cant be it" to end his email? Did he find my blog or he is really my soul mate?

Why do I need constant reassurance from others that I am still pretty, smart, worthy? Why oh why can I not find it within myself?

Why did I allow that monster into my home, and into my life and to reap the damage he has done and he gets to just go about his business and I feel like a fool for it?

Why cant I just start over?

Vacation's all I ever wanted...

I am back in the office today after a week long vacation to beautiful Mexico with two good friends I used to work with. Just popping in to say hello and will try to catch up with all your blogs and write a post worthy of your precious reading time.

So go ahead and get gone...

La Petite is giving me alot of trouble lately. This is a bright kid, master manipulator, and the love of my life. However, he is pushing limits. He seems to have become fascinated with marijuana. I found an online screen name he created where his name is "Pothead". The little trollop that is his on again off again sweetheart sent him a text message stating that "La Petit is a pot head, but he is my pothead". I drug tested him randomly over the last week, and he is coming up clean. I think he thinks it is "cool" to talk about drugs and to pretend he uses them. We had gotten into a long conversation about how cool and funny it was when he brother destroyed his own life, our family life and the million other things he has done to hurt this family when he was using. It's always something.

I feel he is looking to find a place he belongs. Unfortunately, he knows alot more about drugs than most of his peers based on what he has seen. I honestly thought he would be so very against drugs. I know I may sound like I have my head planted deeply up my backside, cause we all know how easy it is to pretend this isn't happening to "my" kid. I know better. I am just going to ride his little butt like nobodys' business and he better hope I do not so much as catch him spitting on the sidewalk.

I am trying really hard not to freak out, lecture and loose my cool with this kid. I am trying to be understanding. But let me tell you, it just isn't easy. I find myself detaching already, not letting myself get set up for the pain this could cause me. Instead of freaking out, I have told him calmly, on more than one occasion, that if that is the path he chooses, that he might as well pack up his crap and move in with his father, and I will gladly write the child support check each week and let him deal with it.

He should know I am not playing. I threw out his brother and cut him out of my life for using on more than one occasion and also had no problem putting his father to the curb. Good parenting skills? Doubtful. Self preservation? Absolutely.

You got it in you, find it within you...

Ok, so are y'all wearing your jeans today to support cancer? I was happy to pay $5 to wear jeans to work to support finding a cure today. My place of employment raised over $700 in just over an hour this morning. Yay us!

So yeah. 4 months and 3 days ago I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer. A dear friend of one of my best friends, was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on June 18th of this year. June 20th she turned 40 years old. She has lymph node involvement, not a good thing. The Uncle of the man I am seeing, was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer a little more than 6 weeks ago. He is already in pain and is now in a wheelchair. It is highly unlikely he will see another Christmas.

I am sending prayers and love to those of you who have been touched with this other awful disease besides the disease of addiction we battle every day. So this is all I have to say today kids. Lets find a cure!!

(BTW, I am such a new yorker, I never say y'all in real life, I just love it!!!)

I bet you think this song is about you...

Judith at Vicarious Rising tagged me. I don't know why it makes me feel so special to be tagged, but it does!! I'm sure I have done this one before, but I will do it again anyway, just cause Judith loves me enough to have asked....

Here are the rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.

2. Mention the rules on your blog.

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Six Unspectacular Things About Me

1. I am a bed snob. I have yet to sleep in a bed that I feel is on par with my own. I have the most fabulous over sized king bed that my friends tease me is comparable to that slept in by the Princess in the old fable, the Princess and the Pea. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on high thread count sheets, soft blankets, and pillows. I always sleep with at least one bottle of water and my cell phone next to me, or usually hidden under a pillow. I still don't sleep very well and rarely sleep through the night.
2. It took me well over 30 minutes to figure out how to create the link above to Judith's blog. I am feeling ridiculously proud of myself for doing so, and this feeling of pride will likely last all day and set the tone for a much better afternoon. Some times, it really is all about the little things.
3. I love fresh cut flowers, but hate roses. I almost always have a vase of cut white flowers on the nightstand next to my (fabulous) bed in my room and a bouquet in the living room. They don't have to be expensive and they rarely are. I usually buy them from the grocery store and I love the way they look poking out from my shopping bag. Flowers just make me smile on the inside.
4. I dress well, but do not and have not ever really had a style or a look of my own. I always aspire too, but my look is basically pretty simple, in the summer I usually wear almost all white, and the winter, its pretty much all black.
5. I am also incredibly anal retentive when it comes to my clothes and my closets. My closes are color coordinated. It starts on one end with white blouses and goes through a spectrum of colors until it reaches the black blouses. It makes my life a lot easier and I love to look at all of my clothes all in order. I also keep my shoes in their original shoe boxes and have a collection that could be considered the poor girls Imelda collection.
6. My children are not gifted. They are just ordinary, no special talents, not particularly good students, not athletically inclined. But to me they are the most amazing creatures on this Earth. Sometimes when I can feel how much they love me too, I think I may just burst with joy.

So that's some more unspectacular little things you didn't need to know about me, so lets hear some unspectacular stuff from: Misery Marketing, my bestest BFF Tab, Wife of Dingus, Skillz, Beth and Cat. Have fun y'all.

Shut up, shut up, Don't wanna hear it...

On my drive into the office this morning I had a long phone conversation with a good friend. Actually, she is married to one of my cousins. Her husband is the brother of my cousin who introduced me to the monster last year. In order to simplify this, I will call her, Buzz.

Buzz and I are the youngest of 21 first cousins in our family. I am just a little more than a year older than her. We were always rather close growing up. She has 5 older brothers and no sisters. As I also have only a brother, so we were sort of like sisters growing up as our families were very close.

As we grew up, we began to develop our own form of sibling rivalry. Her parents did not have alot of money for extras, as they were raising 6 children, whereas my parents, both worked, and there was only my brother and I, she therefore felt like I had it easier and better. We were both married and had children at around the same time. My two children were born six years apart, and I was able to buy a house before the birth of my second child. She had her three children within 4 years of each other and lived with her parents until they could afford to rent a small house.

She was a very poor money manager and did not want to work. They were always behind in their rent, phones and electric turned off, etc. It bothered her that I did not endure the same problems. She drank alot, ate alot. Never lost her baby weight. Jealousy started brewing and kind of tainted our relationship over the years. We would go through fazes of spending time together, speaking regularly, and then she would feel some unwarranted anger towards me. Then she would go out of her way to bash me and spread gossip and lies about me throughout the family.

Fortunately for me, most people in our family know what she is like and that she has a big problem telling the truth, and so it never really bothered me much. My regret here, is that I usually ended up forgiving her and moving past the drama and reconnecting. This is how I ended up meeting the monster.

She was friends with him and encouraged the two of us getting together. That is, until he and I were together. Suddenly she wasn't so happy about it. She basically trash talked him to me and trash talked me to him. Ultimately, we once again stopped speaking.

After the Monster beat me, she sent me a brief email inquiring if I was OK and I replied, that No, I most certainly was not. No response form her. Whatever. Fast forward to now. The friend I spoke to this morning has informed me that Buzz, is telling anyone that will listen various versions of the story of why I was beaten. One version states that I was jumping on his back, scratching his eyes out and putting cigarettes out on his body and he had to "knock" all 100lbs of me off of him to protect himself. Another version states that we were fighting over drugs (!) and that is how it started. Another version states it was all exaggerated and I knew the cops, was probably sleeping with the cops, and that is how I got him arrested, because I was madly in love with him and he was trying to break up with me.

I am furious. I am indignant. I mean who the F is this person to talk trash about me when she has no idea at all about what happened? A part of me wants to call or email her and defend myself. Tell the truth, set the record straight. I realize, clearly, that this cousin is one sick puppy and I need to never reconnect with her again. She has issues. Issues that I don't feel comfortable sharing here. Kind of like, don't want to sling any mud when she cant defend herself, you know?

I am just feeling very hurt and can not believe that this person has nothing better to talk about than what happened to me, at the hands of her friend. We all know the old saying, there are three sides to every story, his, mine and the truth. It irritates me that she feels compelled to spread this nonsense about me without at least attempting to hear my side of the story.

Buzz is getting married again in a few weeks. The monster is in her wedding party. This is creating quite a stir within the family. People who I have never told about the beating. She is the person who made sure everyone in the family knew what happened. So, I am now, once again, the subject of gossip and lies, not to mention it is being said that I got what I deserved.

I cant help but feel angry and want to defend myself. And then this morning, when I arrived at work, the following "recipe" was in my email in box:

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________ Today I accomplished _________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

I feel better already!

What I want, is to find my place...

So the cutie pies above, they are MY babies. Princess is on the left, I share "custody" of her with the Prince. On the right is Sake, he is the love of my life. The puppies below, well, I just thought they were cute and smiley. Sorry for the confusion.

I have been caught all up in my own head alot lately. This is definitely not a good thing. I rarely feel light and happy any more and always feel as though there is something scratching beneath the surface of my brain.

I have been feeling very sad and longing for different times. Days when I was younger and happier and when my life still held surprises and hope. I know I sound rather dark and morbid, quite honestly, that is how I am feeling.

It saddens me when I look at my life, the life of children, and my family. My mother is a widow at 63. She is an alcoholic. She wants to retire. It seems as though she is unsure and incapable of rebuilding a life for herself without my Dad. She has no desire to stop drinking. Her life consists of getting up, going to work, coming home and waiting for it be early enough to open the wine.

My brother is going to be 43 years old in November. He is a diabetic who has lost 3 toes and much of his foot due to his disease. He still has a gaping hole on the bottom of his foot from the last amputations and it is still not healing. They have tried everything, and still it will not close. It is likely that he will lose the foot and his lower leg as a result. He is collecting SSI as he is unable (unwilling?) to work. He has less than five thousand dollars in the bank to get him through, well, basically the rest of his life unless he wins lotto or my Mom dies and he gets an inheritance. He is divorced from his first wife, whose young son believes my brother is his father. This is a good thing because his mom is an alcoholic/addict. My brother may be a mess, but at least he is a constant in this boys life. This boy, my nephew, has begun his own journey down the path we all know so well: failing/cutting school, smoking pot, a few beers now and then, breaking into my bros house when they were away on vacation, etc. He is 14 years old. My brother is just too sick and too tired (lazy?) to know what to do to help him. Been there, done that.

My younger son, La Petite, seems to be going through a slight depression. I have a sinking suspicion, that the summer girlfriend (little miss likes to take half naked pics of herself) has moved on and left him in the dust. Why this pleases me, it devastates to see him in pain, and we all know how those of us that carry the "gene" deal with pain... why we self medicate of course, and I am just scared to death that this is the path he will choose. The easy road.

I know I am powerless over the decisions and choices the people around me make. I can only control my own choices, and to be brutally honest, my own choices haven't been all that great lately. I have been drinking too much, and it frightens me a little. I too am finding it easier to just have a few glasses of wine and not think about the problems in my life. I have become the friend who always wants to have just one more glass of wine, before going to coffee. I have started to want a glass of wine or two before going out with the new guy to calm my nerves or so I feel more comfortable. All red flags, I know. And so not the example I want to set for La Petite.

I actually attended an open AA meeting a few weeks back. I was pretty quiet, sat alone in the back and did get up to introduce myself and accepted a desire coin. The few of my friends that I told thought I was crazy when I told them. I am not so sure. Do I believe I am an alcoholic? Again, I am not so sure. I know I have the potential, and I know I can drink too much. I also know this summer, there were more days in a row of drinking wine than there were sober. So I am currently abstaining. I will keep you posted on this latest twist.

Even though I have much more to share today, I will leave it at that, and try to get back into the habit of writing each day, because it is so cathartic for me and it is nice to know that are alot of you out there that follow, read and care. Much love to all of you. It means so much.

So Please, Love Me Do...

Ok, so, can someone please sign up to be a follower on my blog?

You can't always get what you want..

It's over. He plead guilty. I will not have to go to trial and I will not have to face him. When the monster arrived at court he thought he was still going to push this and try to get over. That is until the arresting officers arrived in court behind him. His lawyer advised immediately that he plead guilty. That going to trial was not something he wanted to do, he had no shot, no chance of beating these charges.

He will be sentenced on November 6th. My order of protection will remain in place for 5 years. The DA asked the judge for jail time. It is very unlikely the judge will do that. He said she is leaning more towards a very long term probation, as he is a "menace" and she wants to be able to monitor him. He will also be required to attend some kind of anger management and substance abuse classes. I will receive restitution for the damages done to my home. I am going to write the judge a letter asking her to reconsider and at least give him a little jail time, and to consider awarding restitution for my out of pocket medical expenses and the locksmith costs for changing my locks. He said it is possible. He said it is also something the probation department will consider as part of the terms of his probation.

I am pleased with the outcome. I would have been more pleased if he had been sentenced to, I don't know, maybe a public lynching? But he had to stand in front of the judge and say he was guilty of all the charges, and that is what I wanted. OK, I still want the public lynching too, but still.

I thought I would feel more vindicated. I don't. Yes, I am glad it is over. I have closure. But I am sad. Sad still, that this was done to me. Sad that these things happen every single day with much, much worse outcomes. I am lucky to have gotten out of this alive. I know this. I am just not a violent person and I still have a hard time comprehending this whole thing. It is all still a blurr to me. Little bits and pieces of memories that I can not fully focus on because it makes me absolutely cringe to remember it. That I would allow myself to be treated that way. So many months of such abuse.

But, it is finally over. Another chapter closed. Getting stronger every day.

When she couldn't hold, oh, she folded...

Just want to say Thanks to all of you for your advice and support regarding La Petit on my last post. It means alot.

Not sure where this post will go today. I'm in kind of a cranky, mad at the world, feeling really anxious kind of mood. Can't seem to get back into a schedule or a routine with the back to school thing. Caught La Petit in a lie last night, straight on, boldface lie. Said he did his math homework, on the bus, and threw out the paper where he showed the work. Long story short, he couldn't do the work so he looked up the answers in the back of the book and just copied them down in frustration.

Am I such a nasty evil mom that he is afraid to come to me to ask for help? I had no problem siting with him for an hour helping him through it, that is, after I dug deep into the trenches of my memory to recall eight grade algebra. I actually really enjoyed sitting with him and think he got alot out of it. I just cant understand his thinking that he would rather get in trouble for not doing/showing the work, not asking for help and falling further behind and just setting the stage for a really lousy year in school.

Tomorrow the monster that beat me a while back has his final court hearing before it is determined if the case will go to trial. I think this is really contributing to my stress and anxiety today. I have a very strong case against him. The Assistant DA handling my case said this is one of the lead cases in my county right now because he really has no shot of beating it if he chooses to continue to plead not guilty and insists on going to trial. This makes me feel alot better and very proud of myself for going forward and pressing charges. What he did to me was just so wrong. I am still not over it or OK from it. I don't know if I ever will be. However, truth be told I am not looking forward to having to face him in court. I will have to testify and I will be frightened. An order of protection is just a piece of paper and I know this monster and I know he thinks he is going to walk away from this or I will back down, and when both of those things don't happen, I am not sure what he will do.

So this is me, today, just trying to stay positive and remind myself, this too shall pass.

I've got soul, but Imm not a soldier...

La Petit started back into his last year of middle school earlier this week. I was feeling really good about it and about him, he really seems to be a in a good place. His self confidence and self esteem really elevated from this time a year ago. He was excited about the new year and looking forward to working harder and doing better.

He had a wonderful summer at camp. Things in our lives are much calmer since the departure of the Monster from our lives, since the Prince moved out and ceased communication with us and his grandfather, my father, passed away early summer. La Petit met a little girlfriend at camp. They were actually voted the cutest couple at the end of the summer. Very "Summer Lovin" from Grease...

La Petit takes Adderrall for his ADHD. A choice of meds I did not decide upon lightly, considering it is a known drug of abuse, it can be habit forming, etc. I filled his script on Monday evening before he was to start back at school on Tuesday. I counted to pills in the bottle (old habits die hard) and started him back on his meds Tuesday morning.

Yesterday, we were up early and going about our normal regular school and work day routine. I normally leave La Petits lunch money and his meds and vitamin on a paper towel on my kitchen counter. He switched things up yesterday by telling me he took his meds already. Something about that didn't sit right with me so I grabbed the bottle as I was walking out the door. I did a recount when I arrived at my office and there were 27 pills in the bottle instead of the 28 that should have been there.

OK, time to go into panic mode. Another teenager, hitting up the pills, shoot me now. I called him on his lunch break and asked how many pills he took in the morning, he said one. I asked then why was there a missing pill. He said he didn't know. Then he said oh yeah, one dropped down the drain. I don't really believe it but cant prove otherwise. I need to remember that counting pills is only effective when the pills are locked up and out of reach.

I come home last night and I am still really upset and I kind of tear apart his room looking for something or nothing in particular and decide that I am going to confiscate his cell phone since he seems to be up till all hours of the night texting his girlfriend.

Snoopy mom that I am I decide to check the cell phone texts. Smart like sucker that he is, he already erased them all anticipating this move on my part. Its kind of like a sick little dance that is all too familiar to me. For me it was like stepping back onto the dance floor and the steps just falling into place. For La petit, it must have been learned by osmosis from seeing his brother and I dance these same steps for so long. This little boy is not the innocent he portrays himself to be. His acting skills, however, are brilliant, absolutely brilliant!!

My next checkpoint on the cell phone is checking his pics. Where I discover pics his little barely thirteen year old girlfriend sent him of her self. She is half naked, beyond provocatively posed and practically pulling off her panties in these pics. As in, little Miss cant keep her panties on.

OK, so WTF?? Seriously??

Falling away from me...

As my beautiful blogger buddy Tab pointed out to me in a comment left on my last post, I have not felt so inspired in my blogging lately. This has nothing to do with troll boy, and everything to do with not feeling so inspired in my life lately. I still spend a great deal of time each day reading the posts of all of my blogger buddies, although not always feeling compelled to comment. But trust that I am here, following your lives, your struggles, your conquests and journeys. I still feel deeply connected to so many of you.

As the summer comes to an end, and it's time to begin another school year, I am reminded of all of the changes in my life over the last year. Change is something I tend to be quite ambiguous about. Often I embrace and seek out change to try to satisfy some need deep within myself, to feel something, anything. A change in the scenery, new homes, new jobs, new friends, new experiences. Usually, as I said, to dull the aching pain I often feel deep within myself.

I'm sure it won't surprise any of you that this has not worked out very well for me. I have yet to come to terms with the very real concept that I have to find happiness within myself, it will not come from a new house, a new job, a new man, etc. I can keep on running and searching and hiding and acting like a chameleon, but it isn't going to make me happy.

So, the tale usually unfolds the same way. I make some big changes and think I will finally feel the happiness that I so desperately seek. For a while, I feel OK. And then I am once again alone with myself, maybe in a different place, but I'm still there. It's me that I cant seem to get away from. Not everyone else.

Whatever happened is over now for you...

And the troll has been visiting, comment moderation enabled.

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I need you to need me...

Syd suggested this: Type your name and "needs" into Google to see what 10 things come up. I wasn't tagged directly, but decided since I was just vegging here on the computer, I would play along, although I am quite sure the last thing any of you guys NEEDS is a double post from me, on a Sunday no less!!!

Kel needs to get a few things (hmmm... new shoes?)

Kel needs a photographer. (to photograph me in my new shoes?!)

Kel needs to return. (oh no! not the new shoes!)

Kel needs to be on tv again. (I wasn't aware that I ever needed to be on tv in the first place...)

Kel needs a man. (hmm, how apropos, please see my last post!)

Kel needs to find his (her) inner caveman. (Didn't know I lost my inner caveman!)

Kel needs to be more organized. (oh, how true, how true...)

Kel needs a little excitement. (not so much, I think grounding is more like it)

Kel needs to man up and admit he (she) did wrong. (sigh, once again please see my last post...)

Kel needs professional help. ('nuff said...)

Happy Sunday y'all and feel free to consider yourself tagged if you want to play along...

Take one step at a time, no reason to rush...

I am not in such a good place in my head right now.

I am making a mess of the few good things I have in my life because I am needy, insecure and just plain broken.

I have been dating a nice man, a good man, a man with some issues of his own but issues that are by far way less than the freight train of baggage that I carry around with me.

I do believe I managed to screw it up this weekend, because I was feeling needy and insecure and was unable/unwilling to communicate and articulate my feelings and instead shut down, and shut him out and went back to my old game playing ways.

This man is 48 years old and doesn't do the game playing thing and I am pretty sure I have screwed it up permanently.

Ohhh, kel. Will you ever learn??