There's blood on the streets it's up to my ankles...

As inspired by Anonymous Alcoholic... Today I gave blood for the first time in a really long time. It really felt good to do something for someone other than myself. That, and they gave me some free cookies.

It's hard to believe, that there's nobobdy out there...

I attended my first ever Al-anon meeting last night. I have very mixed feelings about it. I am supposed to attend 6 beginner meetings before I make a decision if the program is right for me. After we went over the basic "business" of the meeting, they broke out the "beginners", there were 4 of us. A long time al-anoner explained her story to us, child of an alcoholic, married an alcoholic, etc., and then she explained the program. I liked her but she was mousy.

She then gave an opportunity to share. Me, being the timid little mouse that I am, offered to share first. I advised them, that they should let me know when they had heard enough as I liked to talk and love having the "spotlight". The woman next to me kept shaking her head in agreement as I spoke. When it was her turn, she shared that she also has a drug addicted son. Crack-cocaine is his DOC. She is a classic enabler. She needs help. The next woman was 30, she was adorable, she looked 23. Her husband was in a 28 day program detoxing from alcohol. His alcoholism led him to get physical with her and that was the straw that broke the camels back. The last one to share, was embarrassed to tell her mild story, after hearing our horror stories. Her husband of 2 years has been clean and sober for 17 years. She didn't know him when he was drinking, she is just trying to gain some insight into the disease. She was very sweet.

During the break we were given beginners packets which included literature and pre-printed phone lists. There was also literature available for purchase and pamphlets. I stayed for the second half of the meeting and the topic was unacceptable behavior. One lady shared about her drug addicted twin sons, one got clean and got his act together, the other did not. OK, I was feeling good, that was three mothers of addicts in the room. Things were looking up for me. A few others shared about their husbands alcoholic behaviors, and another started babbling about her best friend who takes advantage of her. There was no mention of drugs or alcohol. I think she may have been a co-dependent type who was working this program because there doesn't seem to be a CODA group near us. I hate to say it, but she annoyed me. Alot. I know I won't like everyone, and I know I don't walk in her shoes, or know what her struggles are, but she was awfully upset and carrying on about her friend asking her to babysit every weekend and her inability to say no.

I believe I may have made a new friend in the other beginner Mom with the crackhead son. We had a lot in common. We live near each other, we exchanged phone numbers and decided to try another beginners meeting at a different group on Sunday night. I was feeling quite sad over the weekend about how few friends I have these days. It seems my old friends are moving forward with their lives and I am stuck here in this loop of pain. I also have been feeling as though I have no opportunities to make new friends in my life and didn't expect this to happen.

Ok, so now, here is where I feel like a total nutcase. Is it weird that I like the NA meetings better? The NA people were grittier. I felt more comfortable with them. There are no "pre-printed" phone lists, they passed around a meeting list and hand wrote their names and numbers. When we introduced ourselves at Al-anon, you only give your name, not why you are there. There was less hugging. They stressed the anonymity thing repeatedly. I was more nervous walking into Al-anon than I was at NA. It's funny Scout recently shared some pics of her home group, it was pretty run down, however the NA home group that I was attending with the Prince could have been the long lost twin cousin of her place. The meetings are in a tiny dingy, dirty, smelly room in the basement of a church. Paint peeling from the walls. Mismatched chairs, wobbly tables and crowded to the hilts. I loved it. Last night the meeting was held at a Catholic School cafeteria. It was very nice. Very roomy. the tables and chairs all matched. There was no strange odor. The coffee was instant. I did not feel totally at home. They closed with the "Our Father" rather than the Serenity Prayer. I was not too comfortable with that. I am trying to embrace a higher power, but I am not sure it will be the G-d of my catholic upbringing.

She just wants to love herself...

The Prince did take off on Thursday, but guess what... HE GOT A JOB!!! He started working at a local marine shop. He will do be doing inventory, stock work, etc. He started Friday afternoon and he worked all weekend. In celebration of Memorial Day weekend, the store was serving hot dogs and refreshments outside all weekend and that's what he did. He called me Saturday morning telling me to come and visit him and have a hot dog. I don't think I have ever felt so much pride in my whole life as seeing my Prince standing out there giving out free hot dogs. He is working every day after his program and all weekend. He is like a different person, like he has a purpose now. I am very proud of him.

I met someone at a BBQ this weekend who started out in NA and now goes to AA. He has been clean and sober for 17 years. He was deeply into coke and heroin, speed balls specifically and drinking. He had done 6 tries in rehab, was thrown out of his family home at the age of 17, lived on the streets, did some prison time, and is now running a multi million dollar family business with a beautiful wife and three lovely daughters. We spoke at length and he was able to provoke the Prince into a conversation when he stopped by after work. (Sorry, I just love saying the Prince and work in the SAME sentence). He did not think it was wise that I was going to NA with the Prince and could not have been more adamant about me going to Al-Anon. Now. Immediately. As Soon As Possible. He left the BBQ to go to a meeting and when he returned, he told me he spoke to his sponsor about me and they were going to get me the local Al-Anon meeting list and get me going. He also told the Prince how he preferred AA to NA as he sees more long term sobriety in AA then he ever saw in NA. He offered to take him to a meeting and he gave him his phone number, and that he can and should call... any time, for any reason, but especially before picking up a drink or using.

I love AA and NA and all of it's members. I am not so sure my son is ready to embrace a program yet, but I know that I am. Everyone I have met to date that is in the rooms (blogger peeps included) is just so willing to help and embrace those of us that need it in regard to this disease. To date, every one who has any experience living with this awful disease in one way or another, has offered me the same advice- get myself to a meeting.

So tonight I am going to try to attend an Al-Anon meeting or an Nar-Anon meeting. There is one of each equal distance from my home. It will be a far more effective way of spending my evening rather than laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and angry at the AH the way I usually do.

Thank you all for listening.

Set me free, why don't you...

Last night I dreamt of being on a cruise with my family, and that I was able to leave the ship and take what appeared to be a "magical" train and I was able to visit different countries and sample different varieties of food and culture. It was a long, vivid dream, as most of my dreams are, and it ended with me being with a man in Jamaica and we were shopping and he took me to a place where only residents were allowed and they were angry with him for being with me and with me for being with him, and he was being oppressed and he got angry with me and I can remember chasing him and asking how long he was going to stay angry with me, and we were by the ocean, and it was really rough, and then I woke up, late, as usual.

I have dreams like this, ones that usually involve the ocean, being very rough, and very intimidating when I am feeling very overwhelmed with life. But the odd part of this particular dream was the love I felt for this man and my inability to keep him happy. Which I guess is just a part of my codependency issues. I am struggling greatly with being alone. I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and that I can not expect or need a man in my life to complete me. But what about loneliness and someone to share with? Someone to tell me "G-d bless you when I sneeze?

It has been a difficult week. Last Saturday at NA, it was a "pitch" meeting. A member would start and be given an opportunity to share that would be timed and should not exceed 4 minutes and then they were to choose who was to share next. Someone "pitched" to the Prince. At first he said he did not want to share and he had nothing to say. These people are wonderful and they weren't having it, they encouraged him and asked a few questions and he shared a little and I was really proud of him. Of course I wanted someone to pitch to me, but I guess as the "mom" I don't get to share.

During the smoking break, he started talking to some younger guys that were there. I went back in and he stayed outside with them for quite awhile. I was getting a bit annoyed, because I thought he should come back to the meeting. I THOUGHT. Key words. I even want to control how he conducts himself at meetings. After the meeting he told me he wants to start coming by himself from now on. Of course I took this as he is planning on getting high with one of these new kids, or that he plans on sneaking out of the meeting to go get high or something of that nature. I still do not trust him at all and I realize I have made absolutely no progress at all in my ability to let go. I may talk the talk, but I do not believe in myself or in him at all.

At this meeting, a young man shared about how his one year anniversary is coming up, and how he subconsciously thinks deep within himself, that it is like a graduation of sorts, like, "Hey, I stayed clean for one year, now I can be rewarded and go get high". Thankfully, from coming to meetings and working his program he came to realize that it isn't like a graduation. He is STILL an addict. He will ALWAYS be an addict, and he has to keep on not using, and keep on coming to meetings and then and only then, can he achieve success in his sobriety.

This got me to thinking about alot of the stuff that I don't like to think about with the Prince. I have seen some stuff on some my space accounts that he wrote making reference to how the party is going to be "ON" when he is finally "free" next month. He also made some comments to be regarding members who have 10 or more years of sobriety, and how he could not even imagine that. I told him he doesn't have to ever think about staying clean except for one day at a time. He said he knows he will relapse again. He just knows it.

When the Prince first started his program, I did alot of research and reading on addiction and treatment models, etc. To be honest at first I did not have alot of faith in twelve steps because I didn't know enough about it and not being a religious or even spiritual person, didn't think it could work for people like us. The program he attends does not use twelve steps. There is alot of hocus-pocus lingo out there stating that rehabilitation for adolescents has come a long way since its inception. That currently, treatment is different for adolescents than it is for adults. I agree that 30 days residential treatment and then into meetings does not work for kids. Absolutely. Kids need long term care, not necessarily residential for all kids, but a long term treatment plan that involves therapy, education, family involvement, positive reinforcement, etc. But I have since come to believe that, while the Prince has benefited from the program in alot of ways, he has maintained sobriety, albeit with many relapses, I am not so sure this will help him to achieve long term sobriety. I don't think he can do it without the twelve steps, and he has since told me he will go to meetings but he wont do the steps.

He will be 18 in 3 short weeks. He will age out of his program at the end of June. He will have to do some summer school in order to graduate. The we will need to put a follow up treatment plan into place. We have discussed him seeing his old therapist, who we all have seen in my family and I respect and trust him immensely, he will go to an alternative HS program for disaffected students for the summer with a small teacher to student ratio to get the last few credits he needs in order to graduate, and he will attend meeting 3-4 nights a week as apposed to going to intensive outpatient treatment a few afternoon a week. It all looks really good on paper. He will presumably get some work. He needs to get a job. He has made beyond no effort to do this.

Manipulation. He is the master. He has been bugging me for the last week or two for a day off. He will call me at night and say, "Hi Mommy," and I know he wants something. He only calls me Mommy when he wants something. The program is in "crisis" mode for the remainder of the week, which means, they sit in a room all day and do nothing, no group, no activities, no nothing. This is because one of the younger kids (younger meaning new to the program) did something unacceptable and wont own up to it so the entire group is punished for it. He is furious about it, he didn't want to go today. I worked from 8 a.m. yesterday until after 7 p.m. last night without even taking a break for lunch. I have working these hours all week. I was tired and not in the mood for his BS I told him he was going and it was off the table for discussion.

Prince Charming turned into the Beast. He got nasty and hung up on me. Whatever. This morning when he came over, he came in my room and immediately started. I didn't have the fight in me so I told him to do whatever the F he wanted to do, that I just don't give a damn anymore, go to school, don't go, I don't care. He got loud and in my face, just like the old days. It confirmed my feelings that we cannot live in the same house anymore because I just cant take the emotional abuse. So, bottom line, he didn't go. He wins. Just like he always does.

Help!

OVERWHELMED at work.

Theres a dark cloud following me.....

This is the view from my office window yesterday as a thunderstorm came rapidly through the area.

I wish the stormy weather in my life could come and go as fast as a thunderstorm.

Last week I briefly contemplated making the best of things with AH and maybe trying to move past all of the anger and resentment to see if there could be something left.

We took La Petit out for dinner a few nights together, and it makes him so happy. It is sad because there is really nothing to say. We are different on so many levels. The conversation is forced and uncomfortable. So along comes the weekend and Saturday I went to sleep early, as usual, and I woke up in the middle of the night to get a bottle of water. I go downstairs to the kitchen, and there is AH, passed out drunk at the kitchen table, naked. Why does he have to be naked when he drinks? I have never understood this.

Normally I would wake him up and yell at him to go back to his room so as not to risk La Petit seeing him in that condition. But I was so angry, so disappointed, and I decided, F- it let him see him for who he really is. Why do I have to keep covering it up and protecting him? He doesn's seem to care who sees him, so why should I? Well, I woke up around 6 a.m. on Mothers Day and thought how sad for La Petit to wake up early to make me breakfast and find his Drunk Dad passed out naked in the kitchen, so I went down to tell him to move. The kitchen chair had been knocked over, the blinds on the sliding doors out to the desk were all screwed up. Of course he wasn't there, or in his room, and once again I got to play Hide and go seek the drunk. I found him in the Princes room, passed out cold.

He woke up and stumbled down to his room, and once again La Petit was disappointed on Mothers Day because his father didn't get him up early and take him to Starbucks to "surprise" me with my latte. I need to let go of this. I must not allow myself to be angered, hurt and disappointed by another's actions and disease any longer. I didn't cause it. I cant control it. I can not cure it.

I just wish that I could.

Tuesday, afternoon...

I think I need to find a little gratitude today before I forget that it could always be worse.

Gratituesday

• Email from La Petits teacher, even though he isn't doing what is expected, she cares enough to communicate it to me.
• A close friend at work to walk with and vent to at lunch
• Spending the day Saturday with my Prince. I can see him growing, slowly.
• My dad being able to spend an hour or so with us on Mothers Day outside of the rehab, although he wasn't feeling well enough to stay very long.
• Vanilla Lattes- Still love them hot, even on warm days.
• Blogger buddies sharing their journeys.
• Sometimes I have some clarity and I know what it is I need to do.
• The ability to find the strength to do it.

There's a shadow just behind me, shrouding every step I take...

There are so many things I want to share today. My head is kind of clouded and full and it is hard for me to organize my thoughts. When I get like this, I feel very anxious and nervous. It is as though my body physically is acting out because my mind is not properly processing all of the thoughts and feelings that I am having. This is not a good thing.

Saturday morning the Prince and I went to NA. It was an anniversary meeting. A man had achieved 8 years of sobriety. There was singing, cake and people speaking on his behalf. I felt honored to be a part of this. Hearing first hand from real live people, drug addicts, the trials and tribulations of their rise and fall of their drug using to me is brilliant. One spoke of growing up in an alcoholic family and the alcohol soaked parties every weekend, where at the ripe young age of 5 or 6 years old he remembers waking up early the next day and he and his brother drinking the leftover drinks that littered the house.

This story made me cringe more than a little because when we were young and the Prince was a toddler, possibly a little older, I am embarrassed to say we did our share of partying. I, of course being the control freak that I am, never left a mess when I went to sleep so my kids weren't in a position to drink the leftovers, but what kind of example did i think I was setting exactly?

Drinking was a big part of my life growing up. My Dad owned a bar or two in Brooklyn when I was growing up. He was an active alcoholic and I can remember more times than I care to, being woken up to the sound of him vomiting violently. Parties and holidays were all about the drinking. Each holiday had it's own special cocktail. Thanksgiving they served lemonade daiquiris. My fathers own special concoction. The holiday meals were followed with card playing and they drank angel tips. Some kind of liqueur with cream poured over it. They were quite lovely to look at. All of the drinks they served each came with its own special glass. Presentation was a big part of my parents drinking. I remember loving the beautiful crystal tulip glasses and matching pitcher my dad served the daiquiris in. It seemed so eloquent. (It was a tradition I carried on when I married and began taking over the holidays. I searched for years to find the same tulip glasses he served them in).

My parents left the "city" and bought a home in the suburbs with the small inheritance they received when my dads parents passed away within just 4 months of each other when I was three years old. As an adult I came to learn that alcoholism contributed to both of their deaths. My mom was a stay at home mom back then and she didn't drive. The first thing my parents did to their new home was build a custom bar in the basement. Special ordered the bar stools and everything. I have memories of parties that lasted for days. It was exciting for us, because the adults would give us money. We didn't think there was anything wrong with people partying and singing Irish pub songs till 6 in the morning. It was "normal".

Vacations were all about drinking. Boating was all about drinking. My Aunts and Uncles all drank. I had an Uncle that used to carry fresh squeezed orange juice in his briefcase to mix with his Gin when he stopped over. Another Uncle never went anywhere without his little cooler filled with cheap beer. Drinking and driving were the norm. Wine was consumed by the gallon just for the sake of it, not for enhancing the taste of food or for the sake of a good wine. I mean, lets be serious, how much can a glass of Chablis that came out of a 3 gallon vacuum sealed box, add to your meal?

I was 14 the first time I drank to the point of intoxication. We were in a little park, more of a field really, and I just started hanging out with a new group of friends. We drank little beers, we called them "quickies". I do not remember how much I drank, but I remember feeling light and free and dizzy and I liked it. One of the guys in our "group" pinched my breasts. I was too drunk to stop him or care about it. I realize now, that my first drunken experience happened simultaneously with the first time I was sexually harassed.

Looking back now through an adults eyes, I can see these kids were misfits. Most of them came from broken homes, single parent families where the mom worked all the time and there was little or no supervision. Many of these kids were not as "privileged" as myself. They all came from dysfunctional families of some sort. And I guess that I did too. I just didn't know it. This was a mix of guys and girls and they accepted me and my friend with open arms. There was a boy in the crew that was a year or so younger than me. He was chronically truant. I now recognize his behavior as he was likely a school phobic. I had a big crush on him and he on me. He was the first boy who ever put his arm around me. I was too shy and too f-ed up in the head to know what to do. It didn't matter because he was soon sent away for his truancy, or at least that is what we heard. I saw him again a year or so later. A friend of mine was dating his friend and we were hanging out at her parents house while they were away for the weekend. We drank beer, she lost her virginity to the boy she was with and I gave my first hand job. I wasn't very good at it. I didn't know what to do, and I was too afraid to ask. My naivete was so profound that I thought that since he had an erection he must surely have liked me. We barely even kissed that night. I don't think I never saw him again after that, maybe he was sent away again, or he moved, I cant remember. I never knew what became of him. I have a sinking suspicion he is not a CEO of some big company somewhere.

Alcohol removed my inhibitions. I felt like I belonged, it gave me the courage to do things sexually that I wasn't ready for, and for the wrong reasons. Alcohol was present at my first sexual experiences and throughout my adolescence. It led me to make unsafe choices, shunning birth control, and not because I was so sexually charged that I couldn't wait, but because I wanted to be wanted. I loved the idea of someone wanting me that badly. This pattern led me to an unwanted pregnancy with a man I barely knew at the age of 20, and ultimately to my marriage and the birth of my Prince.

I do not know where I am going with all of this. Syd's blog had a post last week on Lesson's that really got me to thinking about the relationships in my past and present. Each one tainted in it's own dysfunctional way. My inability to have a healthy relationship with a man. My need for control of the men in my life. My inablility to see a man for who and what he really is. I become so consumed with the idea that they see me as special that my self worth becomes dependent uopn it. The speaker at the meeting Saturday got me to thinking of the role alcohol has played in my life, the life of my family and the life of my children. These two things are dangerously intertwined for me.

Should I love or should I fight is it all the same to you?

Not much to offer today. I am upset with both of my Princes. Apparently neither of them believe that the work assigned to them in their respective schools applies to them. I am just so over it. Life is going to kick the Prince in the a** someday soon if he doesn't start to realize he has to follow the same rules as the rest of us. Only he will lack a formal education, he will be judged for his past, and he seems to have the maturity level of a 12 year old, so he will have it just that much harder. La Petit just doesn't "like" to do his homework. I mean, c'mon... WTF??

Have a nice weekend y'all.

You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness...

I am so overwhelmed at work right now that the last thing I should be doing is blogging. But I need to vent and blogging has become my venting outlet of choice lately.

I have heard of alcoholic and drug addicts in recovery who have "using" dreams. In fact I have read about it in detail in many of your blogs and the Prince had told me when he was first getting clean about having some. Well, I tend to have "mother of the user using dreams". Does that make sense? I often have dreams about the Prince relapsing and they are so real and vivid and frightening that I wake up drenched in sweat, heart racing and trembling all over. I dreamt last night that he was relapsing right in front of me on some kind of amazing new pills and it was crazy, I could see him, high as a kite, as clear as day, I can still see it now. And we were fighting and I was crying and he and his dad were fighting, physically, and it was just so REAL.

I hate to admit how superstitious I am, but I always think if I talk to much about how well the Prince is doing or if I write about him being clean, then sure enough, I will get the call about a dirty urine. I know he has been talking to a girl who I know smokes pot. I spoke to a woman who is the mom of someone the Prince used to get high with this morning. We were pretty tight last year when I was trying to get the Prince into rehab. At the time she was in denial about the extent of her sons drug use, she hid it from her husband, made excuses etc. I didn't preach to her or push her, but I was sad that she didn't try to do more to get him help, he is a good kid who has the disease. He is a mess right now and I heard that his DOC is Ange Dust and probably alot more that he is using. There were also rumors floating a few months ago that the Prince was using dust, but it never showed up in his urine. My gut tells me he was doing it. I hate that my gut tells me these things with such clarity. Wish it could me the lottery numbers!

These dreams disturb me for the rest of the day. I feel like it was a premonition of sorts and am waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is only going to one NA meeting a week and that is because he has to. I don't know if I should be making him got to more meetings. I know that I would like to go to a meeting with him tonight. I can suggest it and he will initially deflect me, I can force the issue, but then the whole scene will be unpleasant, and there has just been so much unpleasantness around me these days, I don't need any more.

The harassment is continuing from the Italians girlfriend. Our youngest children go to school together and they are friends. La Petit innocently asked her daughter to go to a movie with us last night, not knowing what the situation was. She freaked and started leaving psycho threatening voice mails on my husbands voicemail about what a tram I am and to keep my son away from her daughter and basically threatening my son. I received another threatening email from her this morning, this time involving my drug addict son and alcoholic husband. This is now full blown harassment. I have not and will not engage. She is sick and they deserve each other. I just wish she could move forward and get on with her life and leave me and my little dysfunctional family out of her life. It doesn't look like that is going to happen. I think I may go to the police precint today and formally press charges. I am just not sure where that will get me. I would have let it be, but she is now threatening my child and I truly do not trust her. Any advice?

So, OK, the lessons I have learned here are to not get myself involved with any one until my divorce is final. And maybe even after that. I am now beating myself up further about bringing this on myself. I made a decision, a selfish choice to meet my own needs, to be with a man who has brought on so much destruction and damage to my life. All the while throwing up at me the things that hurt me the most: My children, my sons addiction, the pain of my marriage failing due to my husbands alcoholism, and now they are further trying to hurt my little one. Its amazing how when someone wants to hurt you they know just how to do it.

Does anyone remember that Calgonn commercial from the 70s or 80s?? Where the overwhelmed Mom chants.... "Calgonn..... take me away......" Lately, I find my self calling that same motto to my HP.... "HP......Take me away................................."

Back in the saddle again...

Well I am back at work after my wonderful girlie weekend in Pompano Beach. An added bonus/surprise was the air and sea show was down in Ft. Lauderdale just a stones throw from our beach. It was amazing!! After seeing those amazing planes so close, and the talented pilots, especially the fighter jets, I can only say, it makes me feel REALLY GOOD that these guys are on our side. It was nice to get away, relax and do nothing but lay on the beach and relax and chat it up with my girls for a few days. It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

I am facing some demons today. I can not get the horrible words out of my mind that the Italian said to me. I know that it is only words and that they can only hurt me if it let it, and that he is the one who has this terrible anger to deal with, but still. I am disappointed in myself for even picking up the damn phone. I must not engage. Its over, let it go.

His girlfriend is actively harassing me, in a very passive-aggressive way. The private calls continue but I do not pick them up anymore. Even at work. I changed the voice mail message on my cell phone to a generic one so they can not tell for sure if I still "own" the number. She knows my email address and b'day and has managed to sign me up for some free trial online dating services. Ok, so i have to unsubscribe and delete the messages. Again, I must not engage. These are sick people, and it is almost flattering that they find me so compelling that they think of me often enough to waste their time on me, don't you think??

Ok, so when I got home from my trip, I noticed that the Prince had taken his TV and tv stand from his room in my house and brought it "home" with him to his grandmothers house. Last week he took his computer chair. I know we can not live together, at least not right now, and I know I am doing the right thing, but it hurts to see the last of his stuff slowly leaving my house. The room is looking like a hotel room right now. Very few personal possessions. Just a bed, a dresser, a desk without a chair or computer and the fishtank.

He went to NA with his dad over the weekend. I am proud of them both for going together. And again, I felt left out. As though he doesn't need me so much, that he really can get on without me. I know that is the goal, for our babies to grow up and fly away, but I feel that he is being enabled even more by living with them. She makes his life very easy. He doesn't have to do a damn thing there. She makes his lunch, makes his bed, cleans up after him. He can just lay around and play on his computer and bark demands at her and she grants his every wish. She is a lovely woman, she means well, but I do believe there has to be a happy medium in out parenting skills. I am the Gestapo and she is a mush.

I must start doing more work on ME. I am feeling so needy and worthless. I have gained some weight since I quit smoking and it makes me feel ugly, unattractive and unworthy. My depression is eating away at me, and I find it hard to stay awake unless I am at work. I even mapped two or three times a day while on my mini vacation. I know I must talk to the doc about this and maybe up my meds. I just can't seem to be able to make myself happy. I don't know how to.

Some Gratitude

• Lots of love from La Petit Prince when I came in the door Sunday night.
• A visit with my Dad last night at the rehab unit, he is walking a little better and was anxious to show me.
• Emails from the Tabster sharing and letting me that I am really not alone
• A tornado has not ripped throw my town and reaped pain and devastation on those I love
• The Prince and the appearance of sobriety, even if it is just for today
• My mom made an appointment to have her lungs repaired even though she continues to drink too much and not take her diet seriously

We must remain, perfect strangers....

Can you tell I am feeling a bit anxious today? I want to keep this short and sweet and just give you the basics. Had dinner with the Italians ex wife a few nights ago, she cut La Petits hair and then we sat around and chatted. She doesnt want to be in the middle of the drama between me and her ex. We have developed a friendship that goes beyond that. She also does not question her kids about him and his exgirlfriend and or me cause she is just trying to live her own life. Anyway. I spoke with his daughter who I am very close with and she is very upset about the whole situation. My bad, mental note to self, do not allow another mans children to get close to you unless you are sure this is going to be a real, long lasting relationship. Then she proceeds to tell me that the Italian told her to spend he night eavesdropping on me and her Mom. That he wanted to know all of the things that we said about him, and to report it back. I mean OMG, grow up. What kind of man puts a little girl in that osition? He also told her that I was a slut, a lowlife, etc. etc. We spoke for a while about it.

Well guess who just called me ranting and screaming. What a loser, a piece of shit, trash, whore I am. A bad mother who created a drug addict and how its no wonder my husband is an alcoholic having to live with me. What a freaking pyschopath. Telling me to stay away from his kids, then the threats started, how I dont want to mess with him. I let him rant for a few minutes and told him to go F himself and hung up. My god, how do I get myself into these situations???? Well, I guess I should have listened to SYD and stayed far far away from these people. {sigh} Hindsight is everything.

I am very dissappointed because I came in to work feeling good today. Refreshed. Ready for the next phase. Well, at least I know what kind of a person he is now, and I can put it behind me. I did get to tell him what a vulgar disspicable man he is, which made me smile, although I do not think he heard me over his rantings. Geesh... Amazing how fragile a mans ego can be!!!

Had a rough family session at the Prince's program the same night. It kind of seems that the family counselour has it in for him a little. The conversation got a little heated in regard to the Princes reluctance to starting behaving responsibily as he is winding up the program, high school and his early adolescent years. He got upset, threw a fit, starting ranting and stormed out of the session. We continued on without him. The family counselour again discussed all of the problems with the relationship between the Prince and his Dad. She thought that he should be the one taking him to the NA meetings to maybe help them forge a better relationship. While I hope at some point in time that will come between them, it is more important to me that he find his place in the rooms and be comfortable there and know that he has a place there. He has the rest of his life to work out his issues with his dad.

Going to Florida tomorrow morning for a long weekend with my girlies. It will be nice to far away from all of the drama. We may also have a buyer for my house, so keep your fingers crossed for me! Peace to you and yours.

I deserve it....

The Italian just called. He called from his work phone, not the cell phone so it just confirms that he is with the ex again. I also checked his cell phone bill online (can you say Stalker??) since he had asked me to set it up for him months ago, as he is computer illiterate.

He asked me to take all of his information off of my computer and said that I lied to him last month about an insurance bill that I said I paid for him online, that it was paid by money order instead. Whatever. She is lying to him. She always has. She stole from him, hid bills from him, etc. She also changed my number to her number on his cell phone, I guess she wants to know if he is still calling me. I would rather be alone than not be able to trust who I am with. They are sad and they deserve each other. They both lack self esteem, and can't be alone. I mean, how do you jump from one relationship to another in a matter of days? It was a quick phone call. I didn't say much and I am resisting the urge to call back. I am trembling a little bit.

Why am I letting this bother me so much? I honestly think it is all ego. I am having dinner with his ex-wife tonight, We are good friends. I miss his kids. I should probably just severe all ties with them. It will be hard not to ask questions about what is going on, she will probably offer it all up to me.

I deserve better than this piece of sh*t Italian A-hole. Why don't I believe it?

....Later that same day.....

Ok, sometimes I feel so pathetic that I really cant stand myself. The phone conversation with the Italian has been bothering me all day. I have NOT called back and I guess that is why I am posting another blog. I am alot of things, but I am NOT a liar. This psycho ex who has apparently crawled right back into his women beating arms, is right back to her old lying tricks. The thing that broke them up in the first place. And he is so naiive that he believes her lies and is now calling me the liar, and I so badly want to defend my self and set the record straight and tell him that she is still f-ing with his stuff behind his back, and that he is just setting himself up once again, but you know what, whatever. Right? Why do I have to feel the need to fix hi after the damage he has done to me?