Monday, March 10, 2014

I'm Blown, to the maxim

When I awoke this morning, I realized the man did not wake me up when he left for work as per our normal ritual.  Red Flag No. 1.  As I made my way to the kitchen, I discovered the deliberate lack of coffee in the peculator, and the morning paper purposefully absent. Flags No. 2 and 3.  Silent treatment in full effect.

I have not written much about the man here in my blog.  Choosing instead over the years to use this as my outlet for venting my sadness and frustration with my Prince while he was alive and active in his addiction.  I have posted only a handful of posts since his passing. There is a combination of so much and not very much to say.  Almost like a long neglected friendship where there is so much to talk about and catch up when you finally get back to it, that it is so very difficult to start.

So I will start with the man.  We have been together on and off for I guess about 7 years or so. We have been living together since last June, when I sold my house after my mothers passing.  He gave up his apartment and we are renting a house that is way too big for us, but it is in a great location, it has a built in pool which I am used to having, and we figured the extra space would help ease the transition of living together for the first time, giving us each a place to go when we needed some "me" time.

Our personalities are very different. I am very outspoken, talkative, and hate to be alone.  He is quite shy, does not like to be around people, and suffers from a bit of social anxiety.  He has never been married and does not have children.  You all know my story on that topic.  He is very health conscious for the most part, he eats healthy most of the time and his gym time is high on his priority list.  Me? My diet isn't great, and it definitely includes too much caffeine, sugar and nicotine; and the gym is a place where I have "donated" plenty of money over the years and it is likely there is a dusty treadmill there with my name adorned in gold showing their appreciation.

Early in our relationship, we saw each other mostly on the weekends, and we often went for dinners, to wineries, outdoor concerts, etc.  Alcohol was often a common denominator with us.  For me, well, cause I liked to drink, and for him, well, it helped him with his shyness and lowered his inhibitions.  The years went by and the drinking continued, him much more able to control it, not drinking to excess, never during the week,  and me, well we all know how that worked out for me.  My drinking was often a bone of contention, and we broke up briefly quite a few times over it.  Until finally last fall, when my drinking was consuming my mind, my body and my life, I checked myself into a rehab and got clean.  As a matter of a fact, today I am 115 days sober.

Prior to my treatment, he often insisted that all of our problems were a direct result of my alcoholism.  I foolishly believed him.  It is important for me to point out I sought treatment for myself. The hopes that my relationship with the man would improve and be more secure were just one of the many cherries on the top of my decision.

I have never rented a house or an apartment, I have always owned my own home, the rental for the year, was to be a test run, to assure our compatibility.  The bigger plan was to rent for a year, and then move forward and purchase a house. In spite of a few blowouts since my return home from treatment, in January we found the perfect house, made an offer that was accepted, and we began the arduous process of buying a house in New York.  

When the man is upset with or angry with me, his way of showing it is to basically sulk and give me the silent treatment. A method of communication that I find childish, punitive, and unacceptable.  It is a subject we have discussed at length, a personality flaw that is extremely destructive to our relationship, not too mention my self-esteem, and he had promised to work on.

Well, it turns out that now that I am working on my recovery and embracing sobriety, my other flaws are suddenly deal breakers.  This is where this mornings red flags and latest edition of the silent treatment come in to play.  According to his text messages this morning, I do not eat properly.  I don't exersize, I consume too much sugar, high fructose and flour.  I smoke. I am unhealthy.  I am entering middle age and it will not work out well for me.  He is not confident about our future.  He doesn't know what he wants, he will have to figure it out in time, but he doesn't want this.

Yes, these are flaws that I am guilty of. I will not deny a single one, but I am doing my very best to conquer one demon at a time.  My sobriety is still so very new and fragile.

So now we have signed a contract with a young family who is relocating to another state for a career change to purchase their house.  We have put down a significant amount of money as a down payment, have already receive a mortgage commitment, we have a scheduled closing date of April 30th. and will be liable for many additional, expensive costs if we back out of this contract, not to mention the disruption and inconvenience caused to the young family.

However, I think this time, enough is enough.  I am simply exhausted by his passive aggressive behavior, being made to feel like a naughty child who has misbehaved every time he is upset about something. I love this man, I wanted a future with him, I am crazy about the house we were supposed to buy, and am not in a position financially to loose the money I am going to loose.  But I am finally understanding what it means when my therapist tells me: "Love is necessary, but it is not sufficient."


Dad and Mom said...

I really don't know what to say other than to try and give you a smile.

As far as living a healthy lifestyle, eating well, exercising and all that stuff. I studied the effects of that in depth once.

My conclusions and findings were that EVERY single person that ever lived that way with exercise and healthy food is either dead or will die. For me, I am not taking any chances.

kel said...

Smile received and appreciated. My next writing will be my guest post over on your site!!

Anonymous said...

So glad to hear about your sobriety Kel. That is awesome. I don't really know what to say about the relationship issues, I do know a few people that bought homes together without being married and well when they broke up it didn't go so well. It's wonderful that you have a good therapist. It's always great to get updates from you.

How is your youngest son doing?

Syd said...

Kel, it sounds like your man has some control issues. I was once like him--trying to change my wife and angry that I could not. It would be great if every person just took care of their own business and quit trying to run the lives of others.

Congratulations on your 115 days. You rock! And you sound great. I have missed your posts.

Isabetta said...

Hello, Kel. Thank you for writing your post. I like you am a recovering alcoholic. I identified with a lot of what you said about your man.

I once was in a relationship with someone who was very passive aggressive. He would "punish" me by not communicating, shutting off, ignoring me. It is not a healthy way to live.

My number one priority right now, today, is keeping sober. I have to protect and nurture my recovery, because no one else can or will. Toxic relationships can jeopardize sobriety.

Thank you for writing, and keep on keepin' on!