Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Keep on dreaming, fight those demons...

During my days in treatment last fall, so much emphasis was placed on loving myself.  Last night I was relaying my current situation with the man with a good friend.  She was aghast at his meanness towards me, and by my cowardliness in accepting this behavior.  I read her the text messages that the man and I exchanged that morning, specifically the one where he told me, and I quote, "I have to figure out what I want... but I don't want this..."  She couldn't understand why I would continue to want to still pursue a future with him, when he clearly doesn't want one with me.  When I arrived home after work last night, he did not even lift his head to acknowledge my presence, and didn't even bother to say hello.  

She asked me if I wanted to be a doormat, or do I want to be Kel.  I responded that I wasn't even sure who Kel was anymore.  The Kel I used to know is lost deep somewhere in the throws of being a parent to an addict, an adult child of an alcoholic, the mother of an Angel. A motherless daughter. An orphan of sorts.  I have lost both of my parents and my oldest son in under four years.  I no longer have a relationship with my only sibling. I have spent the last number of years in a drunken stupor. The Kel I used to be was a fighter, a woman of strength, who has morphed into a needy, broken shell of a woman who doesn't know who she is or how she got here.  And she has no idea how to find her way back. 

3 comments:

Bar said...

Just wanted you to know I'm reading your blog and feeling some of your pain. You're still a strong woman, you just have to unbury yourself, and I'm speaking to myself also. Its finding the strength to get started that's the hardest for me.

Syd said...

Kel, I know that you can find yourself again. You have had a tough time--more than tough--a time that has hurt you. I hope that there are those who can help you to know who you are.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on so many sober days!
You can get started today on exercise daily and better nutrition. You will have a new focus in life then.
John D.