Friday, May 07, 2010

If Heaven and Hell decide, That they both are satisfied...

Accidental Acute Opiate Intoxication
That is the final, official cause of death on the corrected death certificate. Last night I also received the autopsy report. Knowing my son died from an overdose is difficult enough without having to read how the Medical Examiner sliced his chest cavity open in the "typical Y formation", and sliced through each of his organs and detailing the condition of every organ in gruesome detail. There were no surprises, in fact other that the whole shooting-himself- full-of-heroin-until-he-died thing, he appeared to be in very good health. However, there are some things a mother just shouldn't know.
Four months ago today, my Prince was still breathing. Four months from approx. 1:15 a.m. tomorrow, he took his final breath. I am constantly thinking of what else I could have done, could I have done something differently, and there is n0thing. It breaks my heart when at the end of the day, I know that he, and he alone, was the only person capable of saving his life. And quite honestly, when he made the decision to start shooting into his veins, I do believe that his life was over, and the decision was made for him.
It frightens me to read how powerful the addiction to heroin is. How strong the pull. How so many addicts never get free from it. And it frightens me even more to know that there is really nothing that I can do about it. I feel powerless. I know I can speak out, and give interviews, tell my story, tell his story, speak to other parents, and write to my congressman. But the bottom line is there is nothing anyone can do when an addict puts that needle into his arm. Only he can push the syringe or not. It is their moment. And I can not change that.

>The addict does not know the wreckage he leaves behind. The lives destroyed in his path. He gets to rest peacefully while every painful day is the first day of the rest of our broken lives. The sadness in my home is palpable. There is no longer joy. I know with time, we will learn to live the new normal, our new life without my Prince. It will never get better, but they tell me in time it will get, different. Its already different. And not in a good way.

17 comments:

Barbara said...

There are no words I can say just wanted to let you know I read here and am thinking of you.

Dad and Mom said...

Thank you for writing. It must be hard.

It helps me.

Cat said...

wishing you peace of mind and heart. I know with the family deaths I have expierenced that time has eased the pain much, but not dulled the missing.

LisaC said...

I can only say I appreciate you sharing with us at this difficult time. I think of you often.

Annette said...

There are truly no words. I am so sorry. Such raw pain here and I can only say that you are living what all of us fear and my heart breaks for you. ((HUG))

Addiction--Mom trying to Detach with Love said...

I remember my Mother reading my deceased brother's autopsy. They performed one as he passed away 3 days before being released from prison at the age of 34. I was too young to understand her pain at the time. I have since also read that report and it was very difficult for me just as his sister, so I really can't imagine how awful that must have been for my Mom or for you. I want to thank you for still reaching out and writing, it helps me. I hope you have a tiny bit more healing and peace in your heart with every single day that passes.

Beth said...

What can you say in this situation, right? I am 23 year old female. No kids of my own. I simply can't relate. But my heart cries for you... I can't imagine the pain you feel. Yet you explain yourself so eloquently. I have read through most of your blog, and I simply feel like wrapping my arms around you in a big, huge bear hug. This is something no mother should ever have to go through, but I do believe that you have the strength to eventually make it out okay... just hang in there...

smallsteps2recovery said...

So sorry for you losing your son to addiction. Wishing you healing and just know there are many of us who care.

Designer_NYC said...

I think about you a lot, Kel. My older son doesn't seem as hell-bent on destroying himself these days, but my 15-year old is going down the tubes fast. I called the police dept. yesterday and they told me that there was a death yesterday from heroin overdose of a kid from the high school both our kids attended. I heard from the school social worker that my younger son has been sniffing heroin. He got out of the local mental hospital Monday after a week of evaluation. They recommended outpatient treatment which doesn't feel like nearly enough oversight. I'm trying to get him court-mandated to a residential program but it feels like they want to see a few near-fatal overdoses before they'll do anything. I'm going to court tomorrow to file a petition. The PINS program seems totally useless.
Lisa

Syd said...

Kel, your life has been changed by what happened. Your son's life has been lost. I like what you write though about living a life that is different. It can still be a good life although you won't forget your son ever.

Mariah said...

You are very brave to write about your son and his addictions. I'm so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing, hopefully your words will help someone else who is suffering.

XOXO

Her Big Sad said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. You are living what I fear most, and there are no words I can say to make it better. I am so very sorry you lost your son, and I wish there was some way I could ease your pain. I guess you are right - it will be different, and as Syd says, it can be good. Just not the same. I especially relate to the sentence about "he, and he alone, was the only person capable of saving his life." That is so hard for us parents to accept, isn't it.

For what it's worth, I pray for you often. I care. Hugs and prayers to you!

writingheals said...

I'm glad you know now for certain. I am sad that it causes you pain and wish more than anything that there was a quick fix to the pain.

Thinking about you.

parentofanaddictcdcb said...

There are no words that can express how my heart breaks for you. You are living through what each and everyone of us fear.
Praying for healing and peace for you.
Carolyn

Jake's Mom said...

Kel, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your son. There can be no pain greater in this world than the pain of losing a child, the greatest fear of all parents of addicts. I just wanted to stop by and thank you for your recent post on my blog and to let you know that I am reading your posts. It can't be easy to write about what you are going through and so I thank you even more for writing. Keeping you my prayers, Kristi

IV League Grad said...

Kel -- I've been out of the loop obviously. I had no idea you lost your son. I'm so sorry.....
Thinking of you, kel.
Scout

Greg said...

Kel. Good to hear from you. I'm sorry for the loss of your prince. I cried as I read and felt what my mom went through as having led a similar life. Hope to hear from you soon. If I can help ill do my best and try.