Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I've been wallowing in my own confused and insecure delusions...

When my Prince was alive and still in school or rehab, this was one of the days I dreaded the most. April 20th. or 420 (four-twenty) as the kids referred to it. It is some kind of weed smoking reference, I never got the full story. I just knew it was a day that the pot smokers celebrated by excessive marijuana smoking.

There were other days I also dreaded when he was in his teen years. That would be every day. My head is still not working properly. I will ask my younger son the same question 4 times in the 6 minute drive to his high school. It disturbs him. I try to explain that I am just so distracted since the Prince passed away and I am hopeful that in time it will get better. In reality, I do not know if I really believe it.

I do not hold my Prince up on a pedestal in his death, although it often too painful to remember the early years of his addiction, but there are certain moments when it comes crashing into my consciousness and I am reminded of an incident. In his final year of high school he was still going to the intensive outpatient rehab program. He was dating a junior from his home district. She was a lovely, beautiful girl. She was drug and alcohol free. She never minded coming to the house to see him since his program did not allow him to leave the house unsupervised. She invited him to attend her Junior Prom as her date. I was hesitant and very reluctant to allow him to attend. The "program" did not think it was a good idea. I faltered and decided to trust him. She was a good girl and she I know he did not want to risk losing her. I took him shopping and bought him a nice suit. He matched his shirt to her beautiful red dress. I was going to drive them to the prom, and her mother was to pick them up.

Two days before the prom, his weekly urine test turned up dirty. For opiates. He snorted heroin for the first time. Money turned up missing that week and I subsequently found it hidden in his room. I refused to drive them, refused to allow him to attend the prom. He went anyway. The next day I went apartment hunting. I had reached my limits. I was not yet in a financial position to afford an apartment while my soon to be ex-husband and the Prince lived in the house while I tried to sell it. Not to mention the fact that they would have killed each other. The solution was that he would go live with his grandparents. He lived with them until the moment of his death. He died in their house.

I think of all of the blogger buddies that I have followed and who have followed my story through these years. I am sad for the ones who have left us. However I am grateful for the love and support I have found here. I pray for your children that are still fighting their demons and addictions. And I miss my Prince with every inch of my being.


LisaC said...

Honestly, I can't imagine the pain you are going through. My heart breaks for you. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Ann said...

I am glad you are sticking around! You and your family will always remain in my prayers!

Sherry said...

I pray that as time passes, the pain will lessen for you! God Bless You!

~ Tabitha ~ said...

I thought about you this morning when I realized it was 4/20.You and I always knew where our boys were on this date.I am sorry you are at this place in life today-without Kenny.
If I could do anything to soothe your heartache I would,Kel.For today you have to learn to breathe through the pain-hold Le Petite and exhale together.

I am trying to balance my days on and offline more to get stuff done but I do miss blogging and will try to make it more of a priority soon.Especially about writing more of the topics I used to.

Huge hugs.

Love you tons.
T xoxo

Garnet said...

Thank you for sharing this painful journey with us. I too miss some who have died young in the last years. I wish they knew the contentment that comes with growing older. I keep coming back to the fact that death is death, and no yearning on my part will change that. I am glad you acre writing about it. I hope that somehow helps. It does me.

Syd said...

Kel, it is such a sad thing. He could have had everything yet now there is nothing. I am very sorry.

Cat said...

I think of you and your story more often than you can know Kel. I can only hope it takes time to recover from the loss, but I cannot know if people fully recover.

Recently my son had been back to his old ways - now court ordered into rehab and I have been thinking about you and your son and your story.

Sending much love and support.

Barbara said...

Kel, I think about you often. Earlier today I was introduced to someone via email that has a site you may find helpful. Her name is Denise and she and her husband lost their son, Jeff in August 2008. I know she's a therapist Jeff was their only child so they have dedicated themselves to hopefully helping other families.

They are facilitating this website:


(Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing)
was created to help provide sources of help,
compassion and most of all, understanding,
for families or individuals who have had
a loved one die as a result of substance abuse or addiction.

Beth said...

This blog is so hard for me to read... it hurts my heart. My stomach has dropped a little deeper with each post I read. I am so, so sorry.

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

Kel, you write with such grace. Thank you for continuing to share your experience. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Lou said...

Dear Kel, may writing about the pain and loss help you work through this. I'm overwhelmingly sad when I think about the Prince, I felt like I knew him.

Addiction--Mom trying to Detach with Love said...

You are in my thoughts often. I really hope you are finding some healing and peace. Sending much light your way.