I fought the law...

The monster arrived in court with his own lawyer yesterday. It gives me a sort of twisted kick that he had to retain an attorney and I am sure that is costing him somewhere in the neighborhood of around 5 grand. I hate it when I feel vindictive. Anyway, during the last few weeks leading up to his court date yesterday, I had sent the DA approximately 30 pictures documenting the injuries I sustained at the hands of this animal, medical reports completed by my physician, a written statement from my mother, and copies of previous police reports showing a history of his violent behavior. Essentially, I have made it very simple for the DA to do his job.

The DA told me this morning, that he and his lawyer were very confident and casual at the appearance yesterday. Until the DA informed them that we are, at present, ready to go to trial. Immediately. He told me he thought they would both fall out of their chairs. He said, the assumption with these types of cases is that the charges will be dropped or plead down, that most people lose interest quickly and do not give the DA's office enough cooperation to actually get to a trial. He feels strongly that his attorney will call back next week suggesting the monster will agree to attend anger management classes and perhaps some kind of alcohol awareness classes in exchange for reducing the charges.

Honestly, while I appreciate the fact that this monster is in clear need of Anger Management, that is so not my problem anymore and I am not budging. I want the Assault charges to stick. The DA was right there with me and said he will not accept any plea and will push to take this to trial. It will be dragged out and expensive for the monster if that is the way he wants to do this, unless he decides to act like a man, and accept responsibility for this and pleads guilty. I do not see that happening. If we go to trial, it means I will have to face him and testify in court.

Bring it on Motherf*cker... Bring it on....

I need to be with myself and center, clarify...

So hold on to your chairs... I have news. Last night I went out on a date. A real date. With a grown up. I was scared half to death. This does not in any way imply that I am ready to be back in a relationship. Not by a long shot. But I did feel the need to be validated again, to feel attractive again, to silence the echoes of the monsters voice in the back of my mind telling me that no one else would ever want me.

Apparently I am a decent date. He wants to take me out again. I didnt feel any big sparks or particularly attracted to him, but then something clicked in my head. My relationship with the monster started out so physical. It was pure attraction, an absolute sexual chemistry from the moment we met. We didn't really date, didn't take the time to get to know one another. It all just happened so fast. I didn't take the time to see the red flags, to get to know him before we were so entangled. Apparently, this is important in building a real grown up relationship. I am still learning all of the rules here.

And I really think I am going to be OK.

When the moment arrives and you know your gonna be alright...

Thursday is his second court date. I need to call the DA's office to see if I need to be there. I am torn between wanting to go and not wanting to go. I do not think I need to be there, not at this point. Either way, I will keep you posted.

Anyway, I am feeling better each day. I am feeling more empowered, almost glad to not have him in my life as I am seeing alot of my old friends again lately, I went to the MET on Saturday with a friend and saw an exhibit that I had wanted to see and enjoyed greatly. After viewing the exhibit, we sat at the Balcony Bar in the museum, listening to the small live orchestra, sipping champagne and enjoying a lovely cheese platter on what was probably the first beautiful, warm spring day this season in New York City. If I was still with the monster, I would not have been able to go with my friend, it would have been taken as an insult, it would have caused a huge fight where I would have been called names, probably something would have gotten broken, and to be honest I never would have even considered telling him I wanted to go with my friend.

Something about that afternoon made me feel like the winner. This was one of my normal routine things to do with my girls before I was with him: going to museums, discovering cool, funky restaurants and trying different foods, exploring Central Park and taking gondola rides on the great lake (gross and green, but still cool its in the park) and dinner at the B-House, picnics at wineries, and botanical gardens, etc. He was the one who lacked culture. His social life was comprised of hanging out in the local gin mills in his hometown with the regulars, the people he grew up with that past the age of 40, still make pub crawling their priority, regardless of whether they have families or not.

I hope this isn't sounding too judgemental. But it just suddenly occurred to me on Saturday that my life was better before him, and I am starting to see that it will once again be better without him. He did not bring anything to the table to complement my life. He just brought me down, tried to take me down to his level, because HE was the one who wasn't worthy, HE is the one who is broken and damaged, HE is the one who has the self esteem problem.....

So this is me. Taking back my life with a F-ing vengeance.

Sometime's solutions aren't so simple...

This past weekend was very difficult for me. I found out that the psycho is back with his ex-girlfriend. I can not say I am surprised, he is, in my humble opinion, a sexually compulsive narcissist. Probably a Borderline Personality. And no, I have no formal training to back up my opinions, just from knowing him and the research I have done.

I can not say that it doesn't hurt just a little though. He claimed to have loved me so much, to the point that he had to beat me over his jealous and controlling ways, and yet a week or two after the beating, the arrest, etc. he is back in someone Else's bed, probably living in her house. Meanwhile, I am still unable to sleep through the night, I am in a state of constant fear and paranoia, as is my mother and my son. And yet, he goes goes about his life like it never happened.

I still struggle with my feelings for him. I still feel sad about how it ended, I still miss him. I still reach for the phone to call him when something happens. I miss sleeping in his arms at night. And then there are moments when I am filled with such rage and anger at him. For hurting me, physically and emotionally. For prentending to be someone he is not. For letting me have a taste for the first time in my life of having a nice happy little family. For letting me believe in that lie. For taking away my inherent right to feel safe. For being, just plain evil.

All the more reason to chalk this up to just a bad mistake and put it behind me.