Friday, April 27, 2007

I'm not angry, It's dragging me under

I start to feel guilty when I take precious blog space away from talking about the Prince. But I guess I am progressing in the letting go area of my life and am focusing on myself a little more. Maybe that isn't such a good thing, because you can see what a mess I am making for myself.

I have not broken down and called the Italian. Nor has he called me. To be honest I do tend to watch my cell phone constantly, waiting (hoping?) for a call. I will not pick it up if he calls. But I want him too. I want him to still want me. Me Me Me. Its always all about me. If and when I do speak to him, after much deliberation, I have decided on the words I will use. I am going to tell him that he is a vulgar and hurtful man. I figure, an insult and a truth. Although both are true. But I thought it sounds kind of permanent and grown up. Thoughts???

I have been having alot of trouble with my anger lately. My Dad is back in the hospital for the 5th or 6th time since Christmas. My Mom is also not well. My Mom is also active in her alcoholism. She "Claims" to have not drank in over a week, but I do not believe her, and even if it is the truth, she will go back. She has early stages of emphysema, she is susceptible to congestive heart failure as a result of the hereditary disease we have and damage to her liver from the disease and probably her alcoholism. She now has pulmonery hypertension. She also needs to have some arterior vasculer malformations fixed in her lungs, the same procedure I had done a few months back. She is procrastinating on taking care of this. Her internist told m if she corrects this it may make a big difference in her breathing and can possibly correct the pulmanery hypertension. I feel angry with her for not taking care of herself. I am fighting with her constantly. She gave me a hard time this morning because I have not been to the hospital to visit my dad all week. I am tired of her constant criticism of me. I am angry with her for her ignorance and her reluctance to take care of herself and my dad. I am angry that she blames everyone for everything. I am just so angry.

So maybe I am not really letting go so much as I am focusing my anger elsewhere and away from the Prince. I have never fought with my mother, not even as a teenager. We have always had a really good relationship. We work hard towards it. Maybe I am just so aware of her mortality since the death of my Aunt and I see her deteriorating as well. My brother is also a disaster who doesn't take care of himself or his diabetes and as a result he currently has only 7 toes. He loses one every year or so. I think the whole foot is next. My mom makes excuses for my brother. She pays his bills. She holds me to a different standard than him. Anything he does is ok, he is too sick to go see my dad, he has only 7 toes, he is in too much pain to drive all the way the whole 4 miles from his house to the hospital, and yet he seems to get himself to the bar every night. Go figure. And it is irrelevant that I work hard all day, sit in traffic for an hour and a half each night for my 25 mile commute, deal with homework and whatever other drama awaits me at home and then I should run out at 730 p.m. and drive another 45 minutes to get to the hospital.

Ok, enough of the pity party. I am even annoying myself today with all of my venting. Time to lighten up and find some gratitude...

  • Starbucks non-fat vanilla latte, cant live without it.
  • Having the means to support my $8 a day coffee habit.
  • Blogger buddies who care about me and help me so much.
  • My beautiful children.
  • Another week clean and sober for the Prince and he even did some homework this week.
  • My DVR and a date with my pillow tonight to catch up on all of my shows.
  • Its almost sandal season!!!
  • My HP who, truly must have a plan for me, just making me build up my strength first.

Wishing you all peace and serenity and a beautiful healthy weekend!!


Tab said...

Holy smokes woman..THAT is a lot of healthy honesty.Awesome.
I think anger can be a good radar for us to see what we like and don't like anymore.Use it.
Nothing wrong with being pissed at your Mom.You care about her but enough already..I get that.
All of your sharing here makes sense to me Kel.All of it.
Now when you going to let yourself start taking more care of YOU ?
What would make you feel better?
That is one question you probably have a million answers to ..
best be starting to let go soon so you can get to those answers in this least a couple of them anyways.
I recently jokes to a friend I will still be learning to let go well after I die I am
No matter what you do still happens around you.Jump in an enjoy yourself ..but not with Mr.Vulgar okay ? (Just say'in)

You are one hell of a beautiful.
Thank you for sharing~

ps.I TOTALLY drink non-fat vanilla lattes too..usually go for only have half a shot of vanilla though..unless it's a double :P

Hope you can relax while getting caught up on your shows.

Love Tab xo

Tab said...

Is the e mail addy I have for you still working ?

Trudging said...

Holy smokes is right!

vicariousrising said...

Wow, this is a great share. It sounds like you've been bottling up a lot. This doesn't sound like a lot of "me me me" like you imply - it sounds like you have been making yourself a second class citizen of your own life. You need to take better care of yourself and be more considerate of your own needs, imho. You matter, and you need to be kind to yourself.

I like your gratitude list. Now, just breathe and enjoy your DVRed shows. And I'm with Tab, stay away from Mr. Vulgar. Yuck.


ME, myself, & I said...

found your site, good for you for venting, it is a good thing... stay strong.

Redhead Gal said...


You need a break, darling. Make another date with that pillow and get yourself a pedicure to prep for sandal season.

I'm glad to hear Prince is sober.

I feel for you on your parents' health. Same stuff going on with mine. It's hard.

Syd said...

I don't think that I would let the Italian know that you even thought about him. It's hard to do but sometimes best to just give it to the HP and move on. It's good not to make the Italian your HP.