Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I'm alone again.....

I am depressed. My life is such a mess. I tend to focus so much of my energy on helping the Prince and La Petit Prince, that I continue to allow myself to make bad decisions and then let them spiral out of control. Just more codependent behavior. The Italian hit me a few weeks back. More like backhanded me while we were having an argument in the car. I have never been struck before, and it is not an experience I care to repeat. It was messy and ugly. He wouldn't let me out of the car after that. I finally pretty much jumped out when he was slowing down to make a turn. I am almost 40 years old. I am entirely too old to have this kind of drama in my life. I am a mother for Cripes sake. I took off running and he tried to follow me in the car. I finally called a cab and it cost me $50 to get a ride home.

He left nasty abusive messages on my cell phone all night and again in the morning. The messages left the next day started out as an apology, but also blaming me for antagonizing him, and then when I refused to pick up or call back the messages got mean and nasty and threatening, as I had some of his jewelry and clothing, and he was DEMANDING they be returned ASAP. The calls continued into late the next evening and I was staying a girlfriends house. She finally picked up the phone and very politely told him not to call me again and that I would give his ex-wife the items of his that I had (as I am good friends with her).

Later in the week, the phone messages started again, and he was calmer, a little more pleasant, acknowledging that there was nothing left to say between us, and that he was sorry and could I at least drop his stuff off in person so there could at least be closer. WHAT WAS I THINKING?? So he left the name of the restaurant where he would be on my voicemail and I decided to go. My girlfriend was going to meet me there half an hour later just to be sure of my safety. I met him, we talked, he kept trying to kiss me, touch me, etc. I was strong.

That night, he left a million more messages proclaiming his love for me and could I just meet him so we could talk etc. I turned off the phone and stopped listening to the messages. The next day he continued leaving messages inviting me to go to the hockey game, he left so many he filled up my voice mail and I finally decided to leave it that way and not listen to anymore messages.

A few days later, the calls continued and I gave in. I picked up and went to dinner with him. We had a nice night even though I knew in my heart this was toxic for me. I just needed to not be so alone. To feel loved and wanted. Later in the week my Aunt passed away, and I needed to talk about it so we got together for dinner. It went bad. I realized that this man was not at all who I thought he was. He never let me talk about how I was feeling about the loss of my aunt and about how things were going between us. He basically got pissed off at me because I kept bringing up the fact that he hit me. And then he started lying. It was weird, but I just suddenly realized he was a liar. He was talking about this supposed property he was buying and how he was going to retire in a few years and how he had to move and hide some money out of a retirement account. I am college educated, I was finance major. I know about retirement funding, and pensions, and annuities, not to mention this is part of what I do for a living. I may not be a rocket scientist, but there are things that I do know. And the things he was saying, were just not possible, he was talking nonsense.

So I called him on it. And he started getting defensive and saying I was calling him stupid and blah blah blah and it went from bad to worse so I left. The next morning I called him before I left for the funeral and he was very very cold to me. He told me I was very mean and nasty to him and how he doesn't want to rehash his flaws and mistakes every time we get together and then he kind of blew me off the phone. I didn't hear from him the whole weekend. How very warm and supportive of him while I am taking care of my mother and dealing with the loss of my aunt to just shut me out.

When I got back on Tuesday, La Petit Prince told me something that happened over the weekend while I was away that involved the Italian and his kids and my son being deliberately left out of something and his feelings were extremely hurt over it. So against my better judgement, I called him and let him have it, that I didn't care if we were over, but after everything I had dome for his kids these last few months how dare him exclude and hurt my child's feelings intentionally. We argued and argued back and forth for a while.

He called me the next day and we decided to go for dinner later in the week. I know, I know how stupid can one person be???? Well we went out Saturday night and it was disastrous. His ego is so inflated that he honestly believes he is an award winning lover and when things didn't happen the way he is used to, he went berserk on me and basically said I must be turning gay. (I am trying hard to be discreet with the details here, so please bare with me). Then of course there were the 30 thousand nasty mean messages and then the next day he was screaming at me to stay away from his kids and what a bad influence I am and what a piece of sh*t I am, etc.

So I am done. It hurts. I know that is ridiculous but I don't want it to be over. This man has hit me and then beat me down emotionally as well. He hurt me and my child. The things he has said to me I would never tolerate from anyone else in my life. In fact I have thrown my own son out of the house for saying alot less to me. So tell me.... WTF is wrong with me??


Tab said...

There is nothing "wrong" with you
Kel,you have a big forgiving heart.
BUT Never ever let that big heart of yours think that anyone capable of physically or verbally abusing you is someone you can change.

In time ..letting go will eventually bring you exactly what you need..the right person...
at the right time.

As soon as I let go years ago..I called Bob and the rest is history.

I hope you will put some more faith in yourself and HP Kel..I just know there will be someone just right for you one day.
((trust the process))

I believe in you :)


thejunkyswife said...

It's addiction. I'm as addicted to my husband as he is to heroin. I've taken things from him that I never would have allowed anyone else to put me through. I'm sorry that you're suffering, and I hope you find some serenity and the strength to take care of yourself!

working mom NYC said...

Hi Kel--
We CAN get through this coming year and end up on the other side FREE and HAPPY. In a time of weakness & neediness, we all make some bad decisions. But you didn't do anything really cruel or evil, and there is nothing wrong with you. You are a good person, a good mother. Please stay away from this abusive man. You are way way too virtuous, honest & generous for him. You deserve people in your life who admire and respect you. We see your true self as it is expressedby your posts. It's a vulnerable time for you right now. Call your real friends and let them help you. Sometimes we have to tell other people what we need, the ones who are actually capable of giving back love and support. Cast not your pearls before that swinish Italian. He is not capable of giving you anything of value. It was a learning experience. You can go on and be the stronger for having gone though it.
Big hug,

vicariousrising said...

Oh, Kel. I want to give you a million hugs.

First of all, you're not alone. You have your friends in recovery. That's been my greatest lesson the past year and a half. These are people who are wishing the best for you, who care, who love you.

With this Italian dude, you were still alone. What an ass he is. I understand the pain you are trying to soothe and how slick jerks like him are able to try to slip past your defenses and act like they can fill the void. But they can't because they are not interested in you being well. He is interested in you being at his beck and call.

I'm with the others here who say believe in yourself. I do! Don't kick yourself for trying to find some good in someone. But now you can move on and take care of a better person... YOU.


Best wishes,

Miss Independent said...


I can completely relate to every word you just wrote...