Friday, March 09, 2007

There are too many questions....

I had a really dream filled sleep last night. So many of my dreams were so clear and vivid. I always dream a lot and I usually remember them, but last night I actually SAW my blog in my dream and myself posting to it. Do you think that means I feel guilty for not having posted and that maybe its time to post again??

Sometimes I really feel that me, and my family get so much shit in this life. Yes, I know we aren't perfect and a lot of the crap we are forced to endure could have been avoided with better lifestyle choices and better choices in general. But still. Do you think everyone feels that way?

At the moment, my father who is currently receiving chemo for a recurrence of his pancreatic cancer, who had a massive paralyzing stroke at age 49, has been in the hospital for the last 2 weeks and has just been diagnosed with parkinsens disease as well as being an insulin dependents diabetic. He is so weak he can not walk, support his weight or even sit up in bed without assistance. This is the condensed version of his many, many ailments. Today is my moms birthday. I am sure she celebrated it alone last night with half a gallon of wine. She told me when how sad she felt to wake up alone on her birthday, she and my dad have been happily married for 43 years. The cherry on her birthday cake will be visiting my 41 year old brother in the hospital today where he is having his 3rd toe amputated or possibly the remaining 3 toes amputated as a result of his diabetes which he refuses to control or accept and he thinks drinking a 12 pack of beer each day is acceptable normal behavior. He has not worked in close to 3 years because his amputations never heal because he never treats the diabetes. It is a vicious cycle. Oh, and he is also going blind...

I just hung up the phone after a screaming fight with my Prince. They are trying to do everything in their power in his program to get him out and to help him graduate. He refused to take a second math class today. He is failing math. He will not graduate because of it. I will have to pull strings and call in favors to get him into a program this summer that will offer him psychological and educational support to get him out of HS. I will have to fight like hell with my district to get them to pay for it. I work in education and I know the right people so I can get it done. But he is just refusing to do anything that he doesn't feel like doing. He outright refused to go to the class. They will probably not keep him in there now and they sent him home for the day. I had a screaming crying fight with him, he started getting loud with me and cursing at me, I once again told him I will not accept that from him any longer. It went on and on. I spoke to the family counselor, and told her, that I am basically ready to give up. F- it. If he doesn't want to help himself I cant do this anymore. I am so done. If he wants to be an addict, a drop out, fine. Go for it. I cant stop it. But you will not take me down in the process. I will not be spoken to like I am a piece of shit. I will not keep bailing his ass out and get him a job. He needs to learn how to be a man and not a child. I just cant take anymore. Oh... and his urine came up dirty for coke a week or so ago. Nice.

So, okay that is my immediate family. My little prince is starting to feel the pain of what he has seen the last few years and his school work is suffering and his whole attitude is changing and he is having a lot of problems. He is in therapy and responding to it. The AH is still slowly drinking himself to death. He sort of comfronted me about my relationship with the Italian. He wants to know why I would rather hang out with him and the little prince and the italians kids than with him. I said something along the lines of not being Julie the cruise director from the love boat and if he wanted to do stuff with his kids then he should plan it. You think he might have pushed the issue a little. But nope. He just went down to his room and I assume started drinking. Whatever.

It just seems there is so much wrong and bad with my life. And others just skate through without a hitch. Maybe I need to shout out some gratitude to remind myself that it could always be worse...
  • My father is still here to wish my mom a happy birthday today
  • My little prince scored a hundred on his science test yesterday he was so happy and proud
  • The beautiful diamond earrings I bought for my mom, she deserves something sparkly and pretty today
  • Deep down I know that this too shall pass
  • Letting go
  • My HP who must have a plan
  • I have MY heath, and a good job and a few good friends that help take care of me.

I hope the rest of you out there are having a better Friday than I am.


Tab said...

You kick ass Kel.
Knowing it is time to get go of your first born is so important.
You are right.He is not a kid anymore.Let him take the fall.
I know that hurts like hell Kel.
You know I have been there too.
But we all learn from our mistakes and that includes our kids having to make mistakes, we just cannot stop them or protect them once they hit this age and beyond.
I am sorry you have so much hurting you right now but through that I hear your courage and willingness to trudge on Kel.You are such a beautiful human and I have missed you too! E mail me anytime ok?

the other e mail address isn't mine anymore..I have my own computer now.

Take good care of yourself :)

Syd said...

Kel,the prince isn't going to improve unless he is allowed the dignity to fail. You're right not to enable him. I've listened to so many parents in my meetings who have children that are trying to wreck not only their lives but those who love them. I don't have children so it's hard to identify; but I hear them say that they are powerless over their kids and have to detach. Take care. I like your gratitude list.

recoveryroad said...


Ta sent me. :-)

Nice blog.

I'm going through radiotherapy at the mo for an eye disease. My thoughts are with your dad.

kind regards

London, England

recoveryroad said...

That's meant to be "Tab" sent me. Oops!

working mom NYC said...

Hi, Kel--
I check your blog every day and feel really connected to you. What painful situations to you have to bear right now - there are so many at once. I am very sorry to hear of your father's struggles with his health, your brother's diabetes, and your older son's ambivalence with whether he should even try to stay clean or complete his schoolwork. I'm sure there is a time when you have to let him go into freefall if he insists on doing so, but as a mother it's hard to know where to draw that line.

One woman at my AA meeting said that the best thing she ever did for her son was to kick him out of the house because he couldn't stop using. You are right to get off the phone with him if he is disrespectful. I am trying to implement that advice from my AA sponsor who has been through it all herself. Thanks for your comments on my last post. Your open discussion of the real issues confronting you helps all of us who read your posts. You are going through this with grace and self-respect. You are a great mother, daughter and sister, and you're doing everything you can, to the best of your ability.

lushgurl said...

Hi Kel I found you on Tab's post. The funny thing is, I had already been to Tabs today, I guess my HP sent me back for a reason.
You seem to have a second helping on your already full plate. I can so relate to the pain of 'letting go' of a teen ager, I have a daughter who is not currently living full time with me.
One of the reasons I am grateful for this, is that we used to have many screaming fights, they even got physical a few times.
I am doing my best to 'let her go with love'. Yeah, it hurts like hell to see her make bad choices, ones that hurt her. But I have to take care of my own sobriety first, and some times that does mean not bailing her out of the mess she has made! I will say a prayer for you tonight, I hope that you can find time to be good to ARE a MIRACLE *HUGS*

SCoUt said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep blogging so we can keep offering support.
As always I say, stick with Tab.

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

Don't blame me, Kel. Tab sent me.

Happy weekend and lotta greetings from Malaysia.

SCoUt said...

I am hoping today -- Saturday -- is going a little better for you, Kel.

Tab said...

Happy Monday Chickie Boom :)

Tab said...

lets have some fun.
i have tagged you again for six weird things about you.
i am sure you have more
have some fun and share if you are up for Tab xo

Saffron said...

Great work.