Thursday, February 22, 2007

When your on the edge and falling off

"There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.

This is my favorite line from the movie Closer. I find it applies to so many situations in my life and those around me. Last night, the Prince and I, had a moment.

I had just walked in the door from work and from being away since Saturday. I went away for a few days and on Tuesday night I slept at my parents house and went to work directly from there. I was tired last night and looked forward to taking a nap.

And then the phone rang. It was the Prince. He was upset. He was more than upset. He was crying his eyes out and raging on and on about how he wasn't going back to his program, that he needed to go out and get high. His girlfriend would not take his calls and he did not know why. He was freaking out. Begging me to let him go get high, that if he could just go get high everything would be better, he could deal with it. He was crying so hard, it broke my heart. I spent about an hour on the phone with him, talking him out of it, calming him down. I was so proud of him. He reached out. He called me, he didn't go out and get high first. I told him that was the first time he had done that. After he calmed down he asked me to come pick him up. I took out for Chinese and then we went back to his grandmothers house and watched a movie together.

It still warms my heart to think how much he still needs his mother. I could feel the love he has for me last night. We talked for awhile after the movie and he told me the truth about what was going on with his girlfriend. He created a myspacee account with a picture of him exhaling smoke, and his screen name or whatever you call it had a reference to marijuana. She stumbled upon it. He doesn't know how but she is furious and is most likely going to break up with him. We talked for a long time about him needing to accept responsibility for his actions, and telling her the truth about the account. He also shared with me how desperately he misses getting high and he would like to just be able to smoke pot and drink. I explained to him that he could never do that like a "normie" and he said, he knew, but he wanted to be able to! It seems he is starting to understand this horror called addiction.

We spoke about maybe attending a NA meeting. He has been very resistant to it, because they have been sort of trying to force that down his throat at his program lately. I am going to call them and ask them to back off a bit about that, and I think maybe he would go if I went with him. I looked up where the local meetings are and will suggest it to him again next week. He is such a sad and broken young man. I am proud of him but I worry so much for him. He is so impulsive and really does not know how to deal with his emotions. His immediate instinct is still to go get high.

But last night, he didn't. One day at a time... right?


Anonymous said...

That's right you beautiful loving strong Mamma.You did the right thing by listening to that young mans fears and I believe you are so right about taking day at a time We still do and always will and becausecan be a life and sanity saver.My kiddo had to come to accept that he wasn't able to party like normal kids, he was excessive.
I am proud of you Kel.Tough stuff to go through as a Mommy I know , but you sound like you got a good handle on yourself.Thank you for sharing more inspiration with us.
I send you and your family wishes for continued strength and wisdom.
Love to you ..xo

working mom NYC said...

Hi, Kel--
It does sound as though your son has gotten a glimmer of how he may need to manage his life. You really came through for him; you were there with the feedback he needed and stayed talking with him for all the time necessary to move past the immediate crisis. You inspire me! Seems like one of the biggest things we can ever learn is that no matter how painful a situation is, it will eventually pass and evolve into something different. It's hard to have faith in that concept, especially if you're person who always sought oblivion when faced with painful emotions. (Been there, done that).

Nettie said...

I can appreciate the mother/son bond there. My son is struggling with his father's addiction and now the realization of what it's done to him all these years has finally hit home. He called me a couple weeks ago crying asking me to get him in to counseling as he didn't want to end up like his father. He didn't want to treat his girlfriend the way his father had treated me. He's 18 now, wants his independance, but they still want their moms too. I hope they never lose that want in their lives. It's wonderful that they can still come to us and know that they can find the love and support they need. Hang in there Mom, sounds to me like you are doing a fabulous job!

Anonymous said...

KEL>>when you going to post again:(

Anonymous said...

I hope everything is okay in your world Kel.Keep in touch when you can.Love Tab xo

Redhead Gal said...

Thanks for sharing that powerful moment.

Anonymous said...

HIs first instinct may ALways be to get high. Its the tools we learn to not act on it that can help us.
Nice job of parenting, Kel. I'm sure it felt really good to him to feel heard and to feel loved.
Yes, one day at a time. And some NA would be great for him when we is ready. Make sure you find a meeting with some young people ;-)