Monday, March 26, 2007

I will let you down, I will make you hurt

Things at home aren't good. It is downright HOSTILE there right now. I guess AH was ticked that I stayed at a friends on Thursday night. When I got home from work Friday afternoon, he announced shortly thereafter that he "was going out". I asked where, he ignored me and stormed out of the house. Whatever. I guess this was retaliation. I was happy he was gone. It was quiet, La Petit Prince had a friend spending the night, so I ordered them a pizza and caught up my shows that I had DVR'ed. I was happily asleep by 10 p.m.

He worked Saturday so me and the little guy went to spend the day and night with my parents. We stayed until this morning. AH is not too happy. Making him happy has long ago stopped being a priority of mine. He has not even bothered to inquire as to what is going on with the Prince. Where he is going, when he is going, etc. And I am not going to offer him up the info either. La Petit Prince is going to California this Friday to spend some time with my cousins. He is really excited. I am going to miss him terribly. I have never been away from him for more than a few days.

So things are still in limbo with the Princes placement. Last I heard, his file was on the docs desk to be reviewed, then we have to hope there is a bed available. It occurred to me over the weekend that I am severely depressed. This is not a great news flash, I have been taking anti-depressants for approx 6 or 7 months. But this is bigger than that. It is deep within me. Down to bone depressed. I am stuck in this incredible dark and bad place and know that I must make change and move on with our lives but for the life of me I am just STUCK. Cant fish or cut bait. The way that we live is so incredibly unhealthy. Dysfunctional doesn't begin to describe it. I feel physically sick when I think if the pain and damage that this has done to my kids.

I am hoping to use the time alone next week to do some long hard thinking and planning, get my house on the market, actively look for a place to live. When both of my kids come home, I want to be able to present a new life plan for us. To start healing as a family. To start trusting each other again and to let go some of the pain.


Trudging said...

I do not know if you can get a passport in one day, I will check.

working mom NYC said...

Hi, Kel--
I relate so much to what you wrote about today. I feel like we're moving forward in parallel universes. My husband also seems to have lost interest in our older son. It's almost like he's the stepfather, not the father - one step removed from being involved. I too wish I could make a decision to separate from him - after days of avoiding each other in the hallways of our home it seems pointless to prolong our lives together. But I'm afraid to make a move.

Do you see a therapist? I can't remember you mentioning it in earlier blogs. It seems like a good time to review your situation with someone knowledgeable and objective - at least it may validate your having done everything within your power to affect the lives of your Prince, and may even help you to know how to let go a little bit. I hope you take the time that you'll have to yourself when the Little Prince goes to California to do something really ENJOYABLE and NURTURING for yourself - a series of massages, for instance.

Also, is there something outside the home that really floats your boat? Something purely escapist, or physical, or creative that gives you a boost? Something with a new group of people who won't see you primarily as the mother of an addict, but instead as a new member of the group with something cool to offer? You are such a good writer, so articulate, that I feel sure you have a lot of other creative energy inside.

I cheer you on, even though the going has gotten rough. This will pass, and you will be the wiser for having experienced it. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Exactly, you are NOT alone, Kel. If you reach out to those who can help you please do so.
You are NOT alone!
I will continue to think of you and pray for you and your family.
Since sometimes it helps us to get out of our heads and have some fun, I tagged you. Please stop by my blog to see what you are supposed to do, ok?