When your on the edge and falling off

"There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.

This is my favorite line from the movie Closer. I find it applies to so many situations in my life and those around me. Last night, the Prince and I, had a moment.

I had just walked in the door from work and from being away since Saturday. I went away for a few days and on Tuesday night I slept at my parents house and went to work directly from there. I was tired last night and looked forward to taking a nap.

And then the phone rang. It was the Prince. He was upset. He was more than upset. He was crying his eyes out and raging on and on about how he wasn't going back to his program, that he needed to go out and get high. His girlfriend would not take his calls and he did not know why. He was freaking out. Begging me to let him go get high, that if he could just go get high everything would be better, he could deal with it. He was crying so hard, it broke my heart. I spent about an hour on the phone with him, talking him out of it, calming him down. I was so proud of him. He reached out. He called me, he didn't go out and get high first. I told him that was the first time he had done that. After he calmed down he asked me to come pick him up. I took out for Chinese and then we went back to his grandmothers house and watched a movie together.

It still warms my heart to think how much he still needs his mother. I could feel the love he has for me last night. We talked for awhile after the movie and he told me the truth about what was going on with his girlfriend. He created a myspacee account with a picture of him exhaling smoke, and his screen name or whatever you call it had a reference to marijuana. She stumbled upon it. He doesn't know how but she is furious and is most likely going to break up with him. We talked for a long time about him needing to accept responsibility for his actions, and telling her the truth about the account. He also shared with me how desperately he misses getting high and he would like to just be able to smoke pot and drink. I explained to him that he could never do that like a "normie" and he said, he knew, but he wanted to be able to! It seems he is starting to understand this horror called addiction.

We spoke about maybe attending a NA meeting. He has been very resistant to it, because they have been sort of trying to force that down his throat at his program lately. I am going to call them and ask them to back off a bit about that, and I think maybe he would go if I went with him. I looked up where the local meetings are and will suggest it to him again next week. He is such a sad and broken young man. I am proud of him but I worry so much for him. He is so impulsive and really does not know how to deal with his emotions. His immediate instinct is still to go get high.

But last night, he didn't. One day at a time... right?

A Beautiful Disaster

I neglected to express gratitude to someone who is no longer in our lives, but to whom I ultimately, almost single handedly credit with being the person responsible for saving my Prince's life.

It was one year ago today. The Friday before winter vacation. My life and the life of my family had become completely unmanageable. The Prince was at the height of his addiction. We had applied for a PINS petition. We were waiting to be called before a probation officer. He was drunk and high all day, every day. He was barely attending classes. I can honestly say now, as bad as things were, I had no idea how far away my Prince had really gone.

He was high the night before. He was trying to bust into my room. We had a vicious fight where I was trying to keep him out and he was trying to get in. My little guy was hysterical crying. This was a typical evening in our house back then. The fighting, the screaming, the crying, the drama. I told him he was punished for the vacation and to be sure his ass was in the house immediately afterschool. That he should not F with me. Yeah. Right.

Late Friday morning I was sitting at my desk and my cell phone rang. It was the Prince's girlfriend at the time. The Toxic Princess is what I liked to refer to her as. I was surprised to see her number come up and thought maybe he was sorry for his behavior, he was working it out with the Toxic Princess and he was calling to apologize. Wrong. Wrong. and Wrong. When I picked up the phone, the TP asked me if the Prince was home sick today. I said no, he was at school as far as I knew. She informed me that she thought he was home, and she thought there was a party going on at my house.

I thanked her for the information, left work and went to my house. There was in fact, a party going on. 7 or 8 kids, the air thick with marijuana smoke, empty alcohol bottles strewn about, cigarette butts, etc. As usual, I am going on and on, as I am sure I have written this story in a post from last year. Long story short, I flipped out, he flipped out. I threw all the kids out and he took off. Told me to go F myself and he ran away. He stayed away for the whole weekend. When we finally got him home, we had signed him into a psychiatric institution on a dual diagnosis, where he detoxed, which helped us fast track the PINS petition, which helped us to get him into the program he is in today.

I sometimes feel like maybe I should have waited it out, and had the courts send him into residential. Maybe it would have been more effective. Maybe not. I will never know for sure. What I do know it has been an incredibly rocky year. A roller coaster doesn't begin to describe the ups and downs, peaks and valleys that we have gone through. I have never felt so out of control or helpless in my entire life. He has had many relapses but he keeps getting back up. My old therapist told me once that what is important is not how many times he falls, but that he keeps getting back up. I look back on this last year with such mixed emotion, things are not perfect, not by a long shot. I do not want or expect perfection. But things ARE better. Progress, not perfection. I needed a little distance and perspective to see that. I believe he has stopped cutting himself. My life is more manageable. I sleep at night. I feel safe in my home for the first time in a long time. I feel hope for my Prince. He is talking abut a future. Maybe it is not the future I would have chosen for him, but I have also learned to let go. He has to fight his demons, he has to make his choices. He is the one who will have to live with them.

I do not think our battle is anywhere near over. I do not fool myself into believing it is even close. I know there will be many more relapses. I am also certain he will end up in a residential center at some future date. But we made it this far one day at a time. And I discovered I can let go and still love him. And I will keep on loving him and letting go.

For all of this I send out gratitude to the Toxic Princess. I have never told the Prince how I knew about the party going on. I know that her motivation was selfish, she was jealous of a girl that was getting high and hanging out with the Prince (a girl my son said was "just like him") , and she may have broken his heart, and damaged him, but I do credit her with setting events in to motion that forced me to find the strength to do what I had to do to help save this Prince's life. I will be eternally grateful to her for that.

Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior. -Al Anon, S-19

Happiness, no more be sad....

This will be my first ever gratitude list. I think I need to check in with myself and be grateful for some of the small stuff.... Hope its ok.

• A snow delay for La Petit Prince today. We got to stay in bed a little later and snuggle and watch morning TV together.
• A warm bowl of chicken noodle soup brought to me for lunch by a work buddy.
• An unexpected phone call from my Prince today. He was at my Dads breaking up the ice and spending some time with him. He just called me to share that and didn't ask me for anything.
• Wow. This gratitude thing is harder than I thought.
• My blogger buddy Tab who stops by every day and always leaves me beautiful heartfelt comments that leave me feeling warm and special.
• My Dad is still here. 2 years and 4 months after his "death sentence"
• My health. Watching my dad slowly and painfully deteriorate lets me see just how very important this really is and how easily I take it for granted.
• My children, they may drive me nuts, but I cant imagine my life without them.
• A long lost love making contact again. It may go nowhere fast but it makes me feel young and silly and good inside again.

So how did I do?

Only love, can make it rain...

It is raining bits of ice in my corner of the world today. The road are a mess of sleet, sluch snow and ice. Shouldnt be complaining really this is the first bad wintery day we have had here this season. And it is Valentines Day. My cousin who is equally as bitter and unhappy as I am called to tell me, "Happy F-ing Hallmark Day!" It made me smile and laugh.

I spent some alone time with the Prince last night. We went shopping to buy his girlfriend a Valentines Day gift. He told her about the latest relapse. I am proud of him, he doesnt usually tell her. She was really upset and didnt speak to him for a few days but she forgave him and is still standing by him. He seems back to his old self, much calmer, nicer and less angry. I am going to try to remain hopeful that he is serious this time and I told him he can always count on me to support him and help him in any way I can to stay sober.

Sometimes I forget how much I love that kid.

Happy Valentines Day to all my blogger buddies......

Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same....

So I am back at work after a week long break. I had to have a surgical procedure done to correct some abnormal blood vessels in my lungs. Sounds scary right? It is a complication of a hereditary disease I was just diagnosed with. I now have to get my children tested. But the procedure went well, I am fine and just have to follow up every year to see if other vessels need to be repaired. Gotta love my family gene pool for all of the wonderful things they have passed on to me....

My fathers cancer seems to be progressing rapidly. I spend weekends there now to be with him and to help my mom. He can barely stand or walk. He is very weak. The chemo makes him really sick and weak, but I don't think he has any pain. I really do believe he is losing the battle.

My prince had finally made it to modified curfew a few weeks ago. I didn't like what I saw. He was spending less time with the girlfriend and more time with some girls I did not know. I knew that meant trouble and sure enough there was a relapse last week. Pot and Dust Off. There was talk of Xanax as well, but he denies that and that wont show up in his urine. So he is back on grounding. Our family therapist said he is one of the most addicted kids she has ever seen in the program, and is not so sure they can help him much more. He will stay in the program, but she suggests NA or AA meetings and he is not very responsive to that. I will keep trying.

My youngest has been acting out a lot lately. I am very concerned. He is not doing the right thing at school and he has been lying. It is so disturbing. I am in constant contact with his school and they have been very supportive. I am taking him to our old therapist next week just to give him someone outside the family that he can speak freely to. I also took him to the neurologist yesterday and we upped his ADHD meds.

I need to work on letting go of my anger. It is becoming a real problem for me. Last week I lashed out at my mother in anger and hung up on her after yelling at her. Normal well adjusted grown ups do not yell and scream and have temper tantrums as often as I do. My doc has also upped my anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds.

I have been speaking regularly to an old boyfriend. My first love, the man I swore and still swear is my soul mate. He is also married to an active alcoholic who has no desire to get or stay sober. She drinks herself stupid everynight. He is at his wits end and is now questioning his feelings for her. Been there done that. We have started speaking every day. There seems to still be something there. He is a better moral person than I am. He knows he needs to figure out what he is doing with his life before he can look to a reconciliation with me. But it is nice to know that maybe there is that option for me at some later date. He was always my best friend and I miss him.

I know, I know, I just keep making problems for myself.

That I would be good.....

that I would be good even if I did nothing

that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down

that I would be good if I got and stayed sick

that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt

that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth

that I would be great if I was no longer queen

that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself

that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

that I would be loved even when I was fuming

that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity

that I would be goodwhether with or without you

-Alanis Morrisette

This is what I want. This is what I need.