Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same....

So I am back at work after a week long break. I had to have a surgical procedure done to correct some abnormal blood vessels in my lungs. Sounds scary right? It is a complication of a hereditary disease I was just diagnosed with. I now have to get my children tested. But the procedure went well, I am fine and just have to follow up every year to see if other vessels need to be repaired. Gotta love my family gene pool for all of the wonderful things they have passed on to me....

My fathers cancer seems to be progressing rapidly. I spend weekends there now to be with him and to help my mom. He can barely stand or walk. He is very weak. The chemo makes him really sick and weak, but I don't think he has any pain. I really do believe he is losing the battle.

My prince had finally made it to modified curfew a few weeks ago. I didn't like what I saw. He was spending less time with the girlfriend and more time with some girls I did not know. I knew that meant trouble and sure enough there was a relapse last week. Pot and Dust Off. There was talk of Xanax as well, but he denies that and that wont show up in his urine. So he is back on grounding. Our family therapist said he is one of the most addicted kids she has ever seen in the program, and is not so sure they can help him much more. He will stay in the program, but she suggests NA or AA meetings and he is not very responsive to that. I will keep trying.

My youngest has been acting out a lot lately. I am very concerned. He is not doing the right thing at school and he has been lying. It is so disturbing. I am in constant contact with his school and they have been very supportive. I am taking him to our old therapist next week just to give him someone outside the family that he can speak freely to. I also took him to the neurologist yesterday and we upped his ADHD meds.

I need to work on letting go of my anger. It is becoming a real problem for me. Last week I lashed out at my mother in anger and hung up on her after yelling at her. Normal well adjusted grown ups do not yell and scream and have temper tantrums as often as I do. My doc has also upped my anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds.

I have been speaking regularly to an old boyfriend. My first love, the man I swore and still swear is my soul mate. He is also married to an active alcoholic who has no desire to get or stay sober. She drinks herself stupid everynight. He is at his wits end and is now questioning his feelings for her. Been there done that. We have started speaking every day. There seems to still be something there. He is a better moral person than I am. He knows he needs to figure out what he is doing with his life before he can look to a reconciliation with me. But it is nice to know that maybe there is that option for me at some later date. He was always my best friend and I miss him.

I know, I know, I just keep making problems for myself.


Tab said...

Keep trying to find ways of letting that anger in which you speak of here go.It will open new paths for other issues to follow and let go..believe me.I wish all the best for your health and your Dad.
Letting the Prince go does not make you a bad parent either.
I had to do it last year for my son,myself and the rest of this household.It worked.But took some rocky time..one day at a time is the best way to seek serenity and courage my friend.Believe you can get through this.Your Prince is getting old enough now to deal with the consequences with out you there.
He may need to hit rock bottom one hundred times before he surrenders.
In the meantime...my heart goes out to your little one.
I only share compassionately from my own experiences my friend.
I hope you know that.I don't mean to sound preachy.
As for the first love on the scene.
One day at a time may work well in that arena too...???
Sending you love and hugs,
cupcakes too..! Tab xo

Greg said...

It's been awhile but I'm happy to still be alive:) I'm sorry to find out about your dad. My mom passed 3 years ago from brain cancer. I was by her side until the end.

Tab said...

Wishing you a Happy Valentines Day Kel..xo

working mom NYC said...

hi, kel--
I'm sorry to hear about your father - the hardest thing is watching someone you love suffer.
I hope you can get the support you need to help you through this difficult time.... do something nice for yourself - you deserve it!