Illusion Never Changed....

I am addicted to reading everything to do with alcoholism, drug addiction, self mutilation, and recovery of any sort. In spite of James Frey and the whole A million Little Lies controversy, I still love reading memoirs and can always find a little slice of my own life to relate to in them and try not to take it all too serious but I love to read them.

When my Prince started his program last year, he had to write an essay about how he ended up there and what his drug history was, etc. His essay was surprisingly articulate, for a kid who hadn't attended a class in high school even remotely sober in the last 3 years. It was chronological, clear and concise. I had suggested to him that he keep some type of journal detailing his journey regardless of the outcome and that perhaps we could try to combine his thoughts and my thoughts and put together a memoir of sorts from the perspective of a teenage boy with some input from his mother. A perspective I have rarely found in any bookstore and something I would have embraced. It seems all the success stories that are published and sometimes made into lifetime movies of the week come from a mother daughter perspective. Sort of giving me the impression that a lot of moms and sons don't have close open relationships and that men and boys can only recover on their own and that all of the work and time invested by the mother doesn't qualify for a movie of the week.

I know, I know I need to get down off the cross and not look for glory for saving my son. This is his disease, his recovery. But as a Mom, I just would have liked to have found something from a teenage boys perspective as well as commentary from the mom. I just think boys and girls are wired very differently and even their language is so different, I just think there is an audience for this out there. At least in my little corner of this disease.

So as usual, I am going on entirely too long before I actually get to my point. I have finally come across a book written by a mother and a son, about their family battle with binge drinking and alcoholism. It is called: From Binge to Blackout: A Mother and Son Struggle with Teen Drinking (Paperback) by Chris Volkmann, Toren Volkmann. I started this book last night, their journey begins a little later in life than the battle of my Prince and I. Toren Volkmann does not get into treatment for his disease until he is in his twenties. I am only a few chapters into this book and I have to say, so far, I was not overly impressed with the chapters written by the mother but the few chapters I have read so far written by the son are amazing.

I am not an alcoholic although alcoholism runs through my veins like blood. I do believe I have alcoholic tendencies. I love wine and am very aware when I have some to be sure I am in complete control. I worry myself sick over crossing the line and becoming another broken branch in the family tree. In the first chapter written by Toren, he explains his "awakening", or when he realized that alcohol had taken over his life. He describes in detail his withdrawal from it when he would go a certain amount of time without it, the pain of hi s addiction, how he realized he was not like others, and basically just his descent into his alcoholic abyss. The writing was ok. He is not winning a Pulitzer Prize anytime soon, however, his message is so powerful, so concise, so honest, I was just blown away. For the first time ever, I could almost feel what he, and my son, and the many millions of addicts out there are feeling. I could almost understand it. I am not minimizing any ones battle with this disease, but this was one of the first things I have ever read in such laymans terms that describe the pain and the suffering involved. It is something I need to know and understand. Something that has been missing for me for a very long time. I need to understand this. I need to know how it feels.

So, anyway, I just wanted to throw a shout out there to this family even though I am a mere 100 pages into their story. I feel privileged they allowed me to glance into their lives to see their pain, just like I do every day when I read the blogs of my fellow recovery peeps. So march on soldiers. I love and appreciate every single one of you. You have all profoundly touched my lives in some way and I guess I just thought it was about time I stopped whining about my own problems for a minute and let you all know that.

Peace to you all.

Today

Sometimes Im just so tired and uninspired, but Im still here and Im okay and I promise to post soon.

Procrastination Nation

Sometimes my ability to procrastinate and not take care of what needs to be taken care really affects my quality of life. Point in fact, I often think all day about posting to my blog, but because I haven't posted in usually a week or so and there is now so much to share that I don't know where to begin or end and I hate that I sometimes write little blog mini novels instead of entries, and I start to feel like does anybody really care about all the details and minutiae that I feel compelled to include?

So even though there is much to share since my last blog I will stick with the procrastination theme and share about how I really need to be divorced. My little guy, a.k.a. la petit prince, as I think I shared in my last entry has been screwing up in school a little and has needed me to stay completely on top of him and his every move. Well, long story short, I caught him playing with matches this weekend. After lots of screaming and drama I finally got to him and he told what has been bothering him. His father does not pay enough attention or spend enough time with him.

This is the same pattern that his brother The True Prince, started with. First he felt neglected by his dad, then he realized about the drinking, and then he felt he was hypocritical then it turned to anger and then true hatred. I know I need to address things, but I just cant deal with all the drama. It is so easy because his disease and personality makes him so unable to communicate or articulate or even to confront me that I can do what I want and all he does is gives me the silent treatment, which has been going on for weeks now, and he will live in the status quo, even though his wife and family are moving forward and moving on without him.

Pleased to meet you.

And I finally figured out how to add a pic to my profile.... So there I am. Nice to see you.

I'm in over my head

I live my life in a cycle of guilt and regret. Although I have come so very far in letting go and trying to understand that the prince owns his disease and not me. That only he can choose to got well and I can not choose that for him. I still in the very deepest darkest corner of my being feel responsible for this. Every once in a while it creeps to the surface and I think, I should have been home more often, I should have spent more time with him, I should have known sooner, I should have done more, I should have left his father years ago and then I would not have been so unhappy and it would not have caused him so much pain.

The last week or two my younger son, who I lovingly refer to as La Petit Prince, has been acting out in school a bit. Last week he forged my signature on a note that was sent home because of a missing homework. I called a team meeting at his school yesterday and discovered that he has been really slacking off when it comes to homework. Just not doing it. I was shocked. It is so unlike him. I am so worried. I sat down and tried to talk to him last night and he just had tears running down his face the whole time. He is sad because he thinks I am disappointed in him. I tried to explained that it was his behavior that was disappointing, not him. I think he is acting out. Needing more attention. I just don't know. I am so fearful that we are about to head down the same path with him as we did with the Prince.

How do you stop the pain? Break the cycle? Change your fate?

Ticking away...

I am having a really hard time learning to let go of so many things in my life that I need to let go of. I know that it is time to move forward and divorce Asshole. I know he will never stop drinking and will never be the man I need for him to be and I know I will never love him that way or want to have an intimate relationship with him again. And yet, I can not seem to let go.

Since the prince is living with his grandparents, I am fooling myself into believing that I am letting my controlling issues go, but in reality I am just displacing these feelings.

I feel like such a failure as a parent, as a wife, as an employee, and as a person. I know this too shall pass but when? When will I grow the F up and take care of business???