Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I'm in over my head

I live my life in a cycle of guilt and regret. Although I have come so very far in letting go and trying to understand that the prince owns his disease and not me. That only he can choose to got well and I can not choose that for him. I still in the very deepest darkest corner of my being feel responsible for this. Every once in a while it creeps to the surface and I think, I should have been home more often, I should have spent more time with him, I should have known sooner, I should have done more, I should have left his father years ago and then I would not have been so unhappy and it would not have caused him so much pain.

The last week or two my younger son, who I lovingly refer to as La Petit Prince, has been acting out in school a bit. Last week he forged my signature on a note that was sent home because of a missing homework. I called a team meeting at his school yesterday and discovered that he has been really slacking off when it comes to homework. Just not doing it. I was shocked. It is so unlike him. I am so worried. I sat down and tried to talk to him last night and he just had tears running down his face the whole time. He is sad because he thinks I am disappointed in him. I tried to explained that it was his behavior that was disappointing, not him. I think he is acting out. Needing more attention. I just don't know. I am so fearful that we are about to head down the same path with him as we did with the Prince.

How do you stop the pain? Break the cycle? Change your fate?

1 comment:

Tab said...

Kel,
I hope you don't mind but I shared this new post of yours with my eldest son.I asked if he wouldn't mind sharing from his perspective.
Hoping it would give you some hope and insight.
Bless his heart he did write you a
beautifully written comment..only I wasn't signed in! The comment is lost.Do you mind if he leaves you one next time he feels like rewriting it?He has to get to school now but said he will rewrite you something if you would like.

He continues to inspire me daily Kel.I only share this with you to remind you these cycles can indeed be broken,slowly,one day at a time.
It is so important for you to take care of yourself and share where and when need be my friend.Did you ever get yourself some daily recovery reading ?
I am so grateful for your blog.
Tab xo