Baby, I'm back......

Good morning all. I'm sorry I have been so out of touch, there has just been so much going on. We found out last week that my Dad's cancer is back. Not a huge surprise. We knew it was possible and were told by the surgeon two years ago that it was a "fix" and not a cure and that it would be back. Pancreatic Cancer is one of the worst. We were lucky to have almost 2 cancer free years with a relatively decent life quality for him. The good news is it is recurrent disease where most of his pancreas used to be, and the liver is clean and there is no sign of metatastic disease. We will try some chemo to shrink and contain it. Maybe we will get lucky and buy some more time. Any extra prayers anyone can share would be greatly appreciated.

A week or so before we got that news I had to take a day off from work and drive my Mom to Connecticut to see her sister who has been in intensive care for the last few weeks. Trudge, if your reading this, I thought of you since I was in your "hood"!!! My aunt is not doing well, and will probably not make a full recovery if at all. I think they are moving her to Yale in New Haven today. At least it is a little closer to visit.

Also found out that the palpatations I have been having are the result of me having a Hypper Dynimic Heart. He put me on meds and I was forced to give up my beloved Malboro Lights. Today is day 10 of me being nicotine free. I am quite proud of myself. Did it cold turkey too. Next I will be forced to give up my lattes. I can not believe I am only 38 and I already have to take heart medication. I have always been thin and in shape, I eat well and basically take good care of myself... with the exception of the smokes that is......

My prince is doing ok. The small amount of weed he smoked did not show up in his urine. He is probably going to go on Modified curfew any day now. He is really anxious to start working. Although he is still completely unconcerned about his school work. He honestly doesn't seem to care if he graduates or not. He actually told me last week that he doesn't care and he would be glad to do another year of high school and then he can graduate with his girlfriend and some of his other friends in that grade. He still just doesn't get it. But things have been okay with him. He did some therapy alone with his father last week and although neither of them told me what was discussed, apparently they both did a lot of talking. I am proud of him. He has come a long way. I must constantly remind myself that it is progress, not perfection that he needs. It helps to think of that. One day at a time.

A friend of mine that I knew in HS died of a an overdose of crack and cocaine a few weeks ago. He was a brilliant guy and I am sad he never got out of the drug scene. A lot of the guys I knew back in the day didn't. Its so sad. I could have easily been the same. I got pregnant and married at 20. Although it required a lot of sacrifice on my part, it got me out of the bar scene and probably saved me from becoming an alcoholic myself since the disease just runs so rampant in my bloodline.

Tonight I am doing the coolest thing that I think I have ever done. I am going to a book signing in Manahattan of my favorite author, Augustin Burrows (I am mispelling it on purpose). I have found a few first editions hard covers of his books on ebay and will have them signed. How incredibly cool is that??

I miss all of my blog friends and am glad to have a moment today to try to catch up. I hope you are all well.

Scar Tissue

Thank goodness it is Friday and I have a nice long three day weekend. I am seriously sleep deprived. I am sending my children to their grandmothers for a sleep over, having dinner with some old work friends and plan to be in bed by 10, catching up on all of the shows I have DVRd the last few weeks. Cant wait!!

So it has been a strange week at home. No new news on the prince and his urine test. They did test him when he went back, they test at least twice a week. So I am sure it will come up dirty and he will be back to square one as far as ever getting on modified curfew.

He has been warmer to me. It sounds terrible, but it makes me uneasy. He asked me to tape a show on the DVR for him Wednesday night and then wanted to watch it with me in my room. Last night after bowling (Please don't ask how I am doing. I completely suck. I should be thrown off the team) he asked me to hang in his room with him and watch a movie. His girlfriend wrote him a little love note and he wanted me to see it.

I should mention here that we have never made a big deal about clothes or the lack of in our home. My kids both walk around freely in their boxers at night. Anyway, we are sitting there, watching this horrible movie, and he is in his boxers and I look at his legs and I see all these red marks from where he cut himself. There were at least a dozen or so, if not more, on each leg. I thought he was over that and I said so. He told me he was, that they were old, and still healing. I got a closer look and I was sick. They were definitely old, but very red and very thick and apparently the cuts were very deep. He said one was almost to the bone, gaping with tissue exposed. The scars will be there forever I think. It just breaks my heart all the pain this kid is in and still has and where the F it came from.

I did some research on the net today about this cutting and self mutilation, and "they" call it the new anorexia. Its becoming epidemic and its almost contagious. When I was in my early twenties I pierced my belly button. I liked it, thought it looked cute. When the prince hit his teen years, and started bringing girls around I thought it was time to take it out and try to look more like a Mommy, or at least more like the other mommies. So now I have a scar on my navel, and it drives me crazy. It bothers me so much having it and it is a teeny tiny little thing.
My prince will have these scars for the rest of his life. Like he will wear his pain like a badge of honor. It just kills me a little more every day.

And so it continues.

Friday I spoke to the princes counselour and she told how amazing he is doing and that he really seems to be getting it and he should be rewarded over the weekend. So i told him he could take the day off on Monday. Friday night I woke up and saw his light was still on and I walked into his room and he was at his desk and he was startled when I came in and it looked like he threw something down. Quickly. I looked around didn't see anything and just went back to bed. Saturday afternoon when he was out on the boat with his grandparents, I did a thorough search of his room and sure enough found a little home made pipe made from tin foil and a small empty bad that smelled like Pot. I didnt say anything to him until Monday. He tried to deny and say it was old then thought better of it and owned up to it. There was no drama.

I didnt tell the program. I will wait until it comes back in his urine. I know that this is enabling, but I am just so tired. I feel like I handled it well. I didnt even yell at him.

I am getting better and better at this letting go stuff. I want him to make the right decisions but I cant make him and I cant make them for him. I think my reaction surprised him. Of course he is in full manipulation mode right now. He complimented my outfit yesterday. He never ever does that. I like to ask him how I look in the mornings to bust his chops, I ask him everyday if what I am wearing makes me look fat and he doesnt even look up at me when he responds No. Its a game.

No new news on my dad yet. He has an appointment at Sloan in the next week or so. Thank you all for adding him to your prayers.