Who knows?

The evening of my last post was a mess. I picked him up from the bus and he immediately started badgering me about seeing the girlfriend. I told him it wasn't going to happen for a few days and he needs to stop asking and to start focusing on his program and his desire to stay sober, and stop concerning himself with the girlfriend right now. Then he started pissing and moaning about wanting his internet back. I could see he was getting riled up and I knew that it was going to be a wild bad night with him so I called my parents and had them come pick up my younger son as I can not subject him to another night of hell. Then I called my shrink and begged him to see me that it was an emergency. There was some drama between the prince and his father. Like I said, he was in a bad mood and looking to fight. His girlfriend pulls up to the house with some friends and the prince walks over to the car and talks to them for a minute and then walks back to the house with a white paper bag in his hands. We were sitting on the porch and asked to see what was in the bag. He knows this is the protocol. He got snippy and had a nasty sneer on his face and said it was Georgi Vodka, but he wouldn't show it to us. Now his Dad gets up and blocks his way into the house and wont let him pass till he gives up the bag. They are in each others faces and kind of chest butting each other and both of them are screaming to me to call the cops because they each felt the other was assaulting them. Finally his Dad knocks the bag out of his hand to the ground and out pops an ice cream sundae from Coldstone. I mean, WTF, why couldn't he just tell us that? So much drama.....

So my parents are now hysterical, they want me and my younger son out of the house and they take the little one and my mom comes with me to the shrink and I was going to drive her home afterwards and then go home after I cooled down. I have barely driven down the block when my cell rings and it is the prince screaming at me, demanding to know why I left him home alone with his father. I said I was going to see my therapist and I would be home in an hour or so. He got belligerent and didn't believe me because he saw my mom get in my car. He thought I was leaving. So 5 minutes later my husband calls me and says the prince packed a bag and took off. Just F-ing great. So I told him he needed to call the police and report him and then to call his father to help buffer if they bring him home that I couldn't deal another minute and F it, I was going home with my mom and was going to sleep there with my little guy.

I went to the shrink and discussed my options as to what I could do if he didn't come home and how I could get him back into his program if he refused and as always he was great and gave me solid advice. I went back to my parents house and called his program and let them know he took off again and that we filed a report with the police.

A few hours later, the prince called me and told me he was "safe", and that he would be home sometime the next day. No f-ing way was I going down that road again, so I told him that was completely unacceptable and his options were limited. He could go home right now or he call his grandfather to pick him up and he could stay there over night or he would be setting something into motion that would end up unpleasant for all of us, meaning I call the PO the next morning, pushed he PINS into place and he goes before a judge and risks being sent to residential. He told me he would think about it. He sounded sober. (thank god)

Another few hours pass and he calls me back saying his grandfather is picking him and he will spend the night there but that he wasn't going to the program in the morning because he was tired. I again told him, either you go or I do what I have to do. I agreed that he could go in late and that we would meet him there at around 3 for a crisis meeting.

At the meeting he was nasty and belligerent again, refusing to sign a behaviour agreement and pretty much saying he was not coming back. I was sick. He slept the whole ride home and went to his room when we got home and basically stayed there all night. I went in at around 9 to give him his meds and saw he was writing his essay. A good sign. Means he was going back.

It was a long week or two. He started up with the emotional blackmail again, telling me if he didn't get his internet back he would relapse again. I refused to give in to it. I refuse to accept responsibility for his sobriety any longer. I cant make him not use.

On a positive note, his drug screens were clean, so at least when he took off he didn't use. I really thought he would. He seems to be back on track again. Calming down and accepting that he is back on grounding. He gives me attitude but in smaller doses and I am trying to not let it send me over the edge. Last week I thought I was having a breakdown. For real. Serious scary anxiety attacks that were crippling me. I called my regular MD and he managed to fit me in. He put me on some antidepressants which I have been resisting for months. But I think it is starting to help. He also prescribed a xanax type of pill that I can take if it is really bad, but again, Im a little afraid to take that.

Thanks for all of the words of encouragement and I appreciate any advice or thoughts any one out there has.....

Peace to you and yours.