Thursday, April 06, 2006

Its time to let go

Dear "Phil":
It is with great sadness that I write this letter. You were my first love. But I was just too young and you were just so intense that it was just more than I could bear at the time. So we took a "break" so I could get my head together and grow up a little and maybe see other people. And then I met K. And I was young and a little wild and I drank a little too much and six months after I was seeing him I found myself pregnant. I decided to marry him. Young and dumb, young and dumb baby.
I know it devastated you and I know how much you hated me but I still always loved you deep in my heart somewhere but I did what I thought was the right thing to do. Sadly, hindsight doesn't happen till much later. We still had a lot of the same friends and saw each other at parties or at a club or a concert or at a bar, and eventually we started talking again. You told me you still loved me and I denied having any feelings for you, I honestly wasn't sure what I felt. I know, I just thought I had time.
When I got married and had the baby, it was like I was playing house, perfect baby, pretty wife, handsome husband who worked long hours to keep me with the pretty things I liked and a pretty little apartment. But it was never "right". I knew it but I also felt just so stuck and hoped it would get better. It never did. It just got worse and worse. So I had another baby 6 years later. And I went to work full time and I bought a house and settled into my life and accepted it for what it was. I didn't go out so much anymore and our circle of friends changed and I didn't see you anymore and I guess I just didn't think about it much.
And then one day out of the blue, you found out where I worked and called me. I was shocked, I didn't know what to think and you were sad and didn't sound well, but you didn't ask to see me you were just checking in and made a comment like I'll talk to you in another 10 years. I left it at that. But the call put me off. And then shortly after that I sold my house and was moving into another one and oh, yeah, I had my first affair. I'm not proud of it, but I was miserable and sad and lonely and wanted, needed, craved love and affection. And I came across your email address and I emailed you.
You had moved on. Finally. You found happiness. You finally found the girl that you were going to be with. You were buying a house with her and you were raising her child. Things were going well with your job. I was happy for you. But sad for me. We kind of sort of stayed in touch in the last four years. It always bothered me that we couldn't remain friends. You are the only person in the world that I was ever really able to talk to and be open with and be myself and it always came so easy for us and I know you felt the same way and even though our conversations were far and few between it was always like I just saw you yesterday.
Well two failed affairs later, one absolutely heartbreaking, the marriage long dead in life, but still there on paper I have more miserable than ever. And I guess I started pushing a little harder and you would be like it isn't right that I speak to you, and even though you aren't thrilled in the marriage, you are in it for the long run or at least the immediate future although you sometimes wanted me to think otherwise. So then I would pull back and get it out of my head and forget about it and understand that the friendship just doesn't work for us, then you call out of the blue and want to start it up again. And I said no, you aren't my friend. You are someone from my past that calls when you need to talk and you have no one else to turn too. I cant do that anymore, because you aren't there for me and I am tired of being dumped on by people who say they are my friends. It hurts too much and I have more than enough pain in my life. And you are all indignant and sad and insist that I take it back and that we are friends and that we will always be friends and maybe someday we will be able to get to the point that we can have a drink or a dinner and blah blah blah and then I am content again, thinking that you still care enough to be my friend, and we can help each other with our various life issues even if it just on the telephone.
And then another month goes by and I don't hear from you. So I call you and you blow me off cause you are busy at work, and you ask me to call you back in ten minutes. And I'm pissed and hurt again and I don't. And another week goes by, and still nothing. So I call you again, opening with a joke, like, hey, do you have a dictionary nearby, cause I need to look up the definition of a friend for me, and explain it cause I clearly have a different definition than you do, and we laugh, and you tell how busy and stressful your life has been, you are changing jobs, and the conversation seems a little stressed, a little forced, and everytime it gets a little deep you immediately try to change it back to something light and you mention your wife quite a few times, and you clearly seem different, and then we chat for a while and you have to hang up cause you are busy, I know this happens and I understand, and while we are saying goodbye I say maybe this should be our final goodbye, and you say is that what I want, and I say I know it is what you want and that your ambivalence confuses and upsets me and you say there is something that you need to tell me but you cant talk now and next week you can talk to me about it and I say I hate when you do that and you say I just cant get into now and I am like whatever and you say you will call me next week. And I say whatever again and I say goodbye and I hang up.
Why, why do I do this to myself? Am I so needy and lonely that I want what I could have had 18 years ago and it is not mine to have anymore and you have a wife and a little family and even if it isn't perfect it works for you, and I probably wouldn't want you if I had you anyway so I need to let go and I have simply got to get my life together and make a life for myself and find my way to happiness and stop mourning what I cant have.
So I need to say goodbye now my old friend. I need to have the stregnth to not pick up if you actually call next week and nopt to call you if you don't call. The writing is on the wall and I need to read it and get well.
It was nice, you were my first love and my best friend, its too bad it didn't happen later when we were both ready for it. But I wish you luck and I wish you love and I hope you have a wonderful life.
Love, me

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