Thursday, February 11, 2016
And so sometimes I just really want them to not be dead any more. My life is just so very different now. And I know that I have to come to terms with that or at least make some peace with it. But I just can't. Not just yet. Because then it may become real. And when it becomes real. Well then what will happen to me? Who will I be? Buddhists believe in reincarnation. And that maybe they will be born again. And maybe I will know them again on some different plane. And I wish I was a Buddhist. But I am not. I only believe in sleep where my little prince is always just a little. And he is always smiling. Have I ever told you about my Daniel? I guess maybe I should. You would have loved him. Everyone did.
Thursday, February 04, 2016
So expect to hear a lot from me going forward. I realized how much I miss writing and how much it centered me. Currently I am writing from my iPhone so please forgive my typos. January 8th marked 6 years since my Prince passed and 1 year since I lost my little. Where there is so much to say about that. I have a story to tell.
I have been suffering miserably from depression and my losses and have been doing my best to reach out to the few very close friends and family I still have. My dearest friend and cousin has been a part of my life as long as my memories exist. My little Prince and her oldest daughter were born within months of each other. And her youngest daughter adored and looked up to my younger son. We raised these kids together the way we were raised with each other.
I recently reached out to her about how much pain I was in. About how I have lost both of my parents and both of my children and how very very alone I felt. I know that her daughters love me and consider me family. And of course she reassured that. My losses are profound. She loved both of my boys dearly. She feels this loss on a very real level. I know this. And I appreciate it. Truly. Put conversation continues about how sad and hopeless I feel about the rest of my life. How I will always be an outsider now. The aunt the cool aunt. The sad aunt. The auntie.
She assured me that I will always have a place in her life and the life of her children. That they love and need me. How my nieces need me in her life. And I actually felt for a brief moment that maybe I do still have some family that will not only include me, but they wanted and needed me. I felt less hopeless for a brief moment.
Fast forward a week or so and my region is experiencing yet another record breaking nor'easter storm. Understand we live on the south shore of Long Island and we have repeatedly been abused by Mother Nature. I call her on the evening of the storm to check in on her and her kids.
Fortunately, they were faring well, no flooding no problems. As a matter of fact she was confident that regardless of the 30+ inches of snow, she felt confident that she would be able to dig out on the morning and take her daughter, my niece, out to a fabulous restaurant to celebrate her 20th birthday.
And sigh. I was breathless. Speechless. I was clearly not invited. And clearly it never crossed her mind that i would want to be invited or that it would hurt me to be excluded. We had a conversation less than a week before about how I was so afraid that I would be forgotten. And then. I was. I know she meant no harm by it. She is a good person. But it is her family. Her girls.
I would t have gone. I rarely leave the house. I barely go to work. But still. It hurt. I realized. That truly. I am on my own.
Wednesday, February 03, 2016
The moment when your debilitating depression lifts, if only slightly, you feel energetic enough to wash some dishes and clean the kitchen. And then because the terrible shame spiral has been to much to bear for another moment you take your second shower in a week. And while your partner appreciates it and tells you he is proud of you, you still feel broken. And a few hours later when you have finally sent him to bed so you can be alone with yourself and your thoughts , you realize when you go to bathroom and realize that you do not need to douse yourself in baby powder tonight because you actually took a shower. And then you feel like wow. Maybe I am getting better. But then you know. This is day was just too fuckkng exhausting and you are happy that you can at least get away without taking a shower for another few days. And. Still broken.