Beauty queen of only....

The moment when your debilitating depression lifts, if only slightly, you feel energetic enough to wash some dishes and clean the kitchen. And then because the terrible shame spiral has been to much to bear for another moment you take your second shower in a week. And while your partner appreciates it and tells you he is proud of you, you still feel broken.  And a few hours later when you have finally sent him to bed so you can be alone with yourself and your thoughts , you  realize when you go to bathroom and realize  that you do not need to douse yourself in baby powder tonight because you actually took a shower.  And then you feel like wow. Maybe I am getting better. But then you know. This is day was just too fuckkng exhausting and you are happy that you can at least get away without taking a shower for another few days. And. Still broken.