Wednesday, June 20, 2012

What I never did is done....

Lord make me into a rainbow.. I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under your colors,  life aint always what you think its gonna be, aint even gray when she buries her baby..

HOPELESS.  That is exactly how I feel..  La Petite just finished a stint in detox for Xanax.  He is 16 and is doing his second tour (?) in rehab.  Really.  My mom has been in the hospital less 4 days for over a month now.  My Prince would have turned 23 this past Saturday. This coming Sunday is the first birthday in 44 years that absolutely no one in my family is here.  My dad is dead.  My Prince. Dead.  I survived my first and hopefully only suicide attempt last fall,  6 days state mandated in the looney bin.  True Story.  For the record... not a great way to spend Labor Day.  Why am I unlovable???  I just need someone to put their arms around me and tell me they love me. My plate is full.  Fuck you Heroin.


The sharp knife of a short life. 

Peace y'all




14 comments:

Syd said...

Kel, I don't want you to give up. There is still your life. I hope that somehow the grief will lessen for you. And that you know you are loved by your son, your mother and your friends. I care about what happens to you. Be good to yourself.

Pammie said...

I'm hearing you Kel.
I can do nothing, but I do hear you.

Barbara said...

I know there are lots of people that wish they could put their arms around you right now, after reading this. I can't pretend to even remotely comprehend the suffering and loss and depression you've lived through - are living through. Thinking of you, praying for you and wishing I could do more.

Dad and Mom said...

Kel,

It may not have the effect you want but all of us out here in cyber land love you.

You've survived what we never want to experience. Be strong you have it within you. Your purpose is bigger than we can all see.

Remember, where there is life there is hope. That phrase isn't about your Prince or your dad. That is about you. Look around at the life surrounding you. There is hope and love wherever you look.

Ron

luluberoo said...

Dear Kel, this is such distressing news. I wish you had a support system...for yourself, not just grief support. A community of women who would hug you and you could lean on for support.

We all need to be held up sometime. Please reach out.

Dee said...

Big hugs for you.
That song makes me so sad every time I hear it....

vicariousrising said...

{{{{{Kel}}}}}} You're not unloveable. Look at all the comments above of people who have been caring about you for years (and me too!).

You matter. Please be kind to yourself.

Hattie Heaton (Mom of an Addict) said...

Some days are so hard. But, like the weather, it can change. Just hang in there. I will say a prayer for you right now....

BTW, I hate heroin too. But, I love my puppies, the summer sun, ice cream cones, the smell of a fresh watermelon just after it has been cut open....look around you and find a new focus....this is what I have to constantly remind myself and it really helps.

smackhead said...

it works if you work it
closet-junkie101.blogspot.com

Beth said...

I'm sorry you are in such a bad place and that the world seems to be a never ending pile of poo for you.

I wish I could say I have no experience with seeing a son turn to the wrong things and go through the consequences of his choices. My 16 yr old son, has made some horrible choices that have led to stints in detention, only and thankfully, in our case his last stint has caused a change. And he has left the bulk of his horrible choices in the past. And is looking hopefully at the end of his treatment plan and getting on with his life.

So, my dear sweet Kel, all is not lost, there is always hope for a new day. I know it seems too far down the road to believe it is there, but I know that it is.

Wake up each day and find one thing that is good in your life, and everyday add to that list.

You can choose to be happy despite it all. I believe in you.

Tori said...

Kel,

I simply can't comprehend your pain.

I wish there was something I could do to help you.

I hope you will see that you are worthy of living and give yourself the chance to live, love and be loved. We know you are worth it.

lauren said...

Dear Kel,
I have been following your blog for a long while now. I must say I do understand your despair. My son, Billy, died June 23, 2012 from an overdose of bath salts. He was 22. I also have his brother who is on methadone maintenance program for over 1 year now, heroin user. We don't want to also be a tragedy in this messs. Our sons wouldn't want that. I try and think of this as a fight between Good and Evil. Drugs are pure evil. I feel every morning when I say my prayers and put my feet on the floor, that devil/Satan is going to say "Damn she's up again! " Maybe try looking at the situation that way. Use your prayers as a sword, it may help protect you too. I am early into the greiving and the waves of grief seem to come on as a tsunami sometimes. We are only on the earth a short time, look how quick the years of our sons life went by, before we know we will be with them again. You are needed here and will be given the grace to continue. I will pray for you. Don't let those DAMN Drugs WIN!

madyson007 said...

I was just thinking about you. The cliche "Suicide is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem." Rings hollow when addiction and consequences seem anything but temporary BUT...the only thing guaranteed in life is that things will change. You are loved. Grief will not go away completey but it's intensity can fade and good memories will take precedent over bad. I watched my mom grieve for her son and come around to a new and different life. A life with purpose and happiness. Please be strong. I hear your struggles...I wish there was something I could do but I know there are no words. You matter, you are loved and people do care...focus on that.

madyson007 said...

I know this may sound silly but I love you...I understand that you have been through something no mother should ever experience. You are a survivor. You are still in my prayers as are both your sons.