Thursday, March 08, 2012

And here I am...

My ex-husband, who is 44 years old, took ill quite suddenely in the middle of December. His blood pressure had apparently been extremely high and unmanaged (oh the irony...) for the last few years. Add a pint or so of vodka and two packs a cigarettes a day, he was admitted to the CCU unit of the hospital, put on blood thinners for fear of a heart attack or stroke and there he sat for approximately 8 or 9 weeks fighting off a myriad of ailments that has ultimaly left him with renal failure and he now requires dialysis for 3 to 4 hours a day, three times a week. For the rest of his life. He is still out of work. Good Times.

The little Prince alternates where he sleeps on a pretty regular basis. Although I am the "legal" custodial parent, he splits his time between the both of us. Often choosing to stay with his father since he is the more lenient parent as far as curfews, healthy eating, and boundaries are concerned. Truth be told I often prefer him to stay with his father, because quite frankly I no longer have the patience to deal with another obnoxious, beligerant, substance abusing teenager.

When I walk in the house after working all day and I am greeted, no, lets call it assaulted by the pungeant odor of a recently smoked blunt, it does not a happy homecoming make, to say the least. And so begins the circle-jerk of bullshit, where in I accuse, he denies, I become angry and defensive along the lines, of yeah, by now, do you reallllyy think I dont know what weed smells like by now?? Seriously? Followed up by his dramatic hysterionics of how he hates to be f-ing accused of being high, F-Bombs fly, blah blah blah. Doors slam. and..... end scene. He is, or he tries to be a bully.

The last few times he has slept at my house this week, I was quite sure he was high. My instinct over the years is rarely wrong. So the fight scene above repeats itself. Boundaries. I try to set the boundaries. The rules to live in my home are quite simple. NO DRUG USE. Period. You can not use in my house, you can not bring drugs into my house, I will not give you money, you will not take what doesnt belong to you. Go to school, make curfew, and you will have respect. There will be no telling me to go Fuck myself. Period. And yet.

My M.O. is to throw him the fuck out of my house as I have done before until he decides that my rules are for real. Dont wanna follow them? You know where the door is. However, when he stays with his father or his grandparents, the rules are far and few between. As long as you physically go to school everyday, then psst okay, cool! Homework? Ehh homework is for those studious college bound types. You smoked a little pot? Came home a little stumbly and slurry cause you had a fewtoo many beers? Well thank the little baby jesus that you arent messing with those damn opiates again... No job or desire to secure one? Well, sure, you should probably be working, but as long as you somehow are still managaing to get your cigarettes and weed and a few beers and maybe a pint of vodka or so on the weekends... and as long as I dont have to foot the bill... then it's all good.

Perhaps I am being ever so slightly dramatic. But seriously not so much. This afternoon his new school that he attends for "disaffected students" and others with various emotional disabilities called to tell him he appeared high and reeked of pot in class yesterday, and that today he was removed from a class after being disrespectful and then cursing at a teacher. And he hasn't done a single homework assignment in two of his classes. I called him and explained that he is not to leave the house afterschool today and he will not be allowed to leave the house until said assignments are made up. This was followed up with his typical response of that is stupid. That is so stupid. Bottom line, I told him yet again, my way or the highway and if he wants to continue to have a place to rest his thick head in my home, then I suggest he do as he is told.

I really do not have to energy to do this again.


Syd said...

Kel, it sounds like he doesn't respect himself or anyone else. After I read this, I am so grateful that we have no children. Life could be really nice or it could be hell. Our deck was loaded with bad stuff so I think that we made a good choice. Take care of yourself.

notmyboy said...

I honestly don't know how you are coping after all you have been through and continue to have to endure. I recently discovered that my youngest child is dabbling in the weed game. I will never understand how they can live through watching the hell of their brother's addiction and yet still choose to light up a joint...or worse.

beachteacher said...

I'm sorry for your pain ,'s so not fair that you are enduring this. I can relate to coming into the house at the end of the work day to that smell of weed. It brings back bad memories to read that. I hate addiction & how it's affecting you & me and all of us reading these blogs. God bless you & your son. I will pray for you & him.

Tori said...

Oh Kel, my younger one is 13 and though honestly nothing like my older one was it is a challenge. I honestly do not know what I would do if he started acting like that.

I remember saying so many of the same things to my older son. I guess I was lucky he would get mad and lie and cut school, deal drugs, use drugs but for some reason he was rarely abusive to me. I don't know how I would have handled it on top of everything else like when he was missing for 2 or 3 days at a time.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Most kids to not choose the stricter Parent. I remember there would be times when he would go to his Dad's for a few days (very rarely) but boy when he did, I just slept so much better. I always felt guilty for feeling that way but how much can we take?

Anonymous said...

Kel, I think you need to be very firm in your boundaries. Maybe he needs to leave your home if he is that disrespectful? You do NOT deserve to be talked to that way. I fear it will get worse if you continue to tolerate it.

No easy answers. Please do something relaxing whenever you get the chance.

Dad and Mom said...


I am sitting here just shaking my head.

Take care of yourself. I know, I know, easier said than done. We are all out here for you any time your need.

Barbara said...

I'm so sorry, Kel.
You're doing all the right things as a parent, but really, how can you go through this again? Its too much. Maybe he should just stay with his dad. Its not fair.

Tabitha said...

Energy is meant to be balanced.
You stand your ground.But be as
careful as you can not to react
before you respond.I say this as
your friend because I understand
the utter exhaustion of going through " it " with a second teen.
I'm there.And it does get better.
Trust yourself.Take care of yourself.
And you will have more energy to put into what you have to as a parent of a high risk teen.
And what not to.

Always sending you the love.
Always.Don't let yourself burn out.

abbie said...

It's been a long time since I've checked in, and it saddens me to see that the insanity of addiction is still alive and well. I honestly came very close to blows with my then-15 year old son, due to some of the behaviors you mentioned. As a recovering addict, I might read the writing on the wall before the ink has actually hit the paper, but...he went to live with Grandma, and neither of us had to go to jail. Not far from here there's a program called "Job Core" and they are a RESIDENTIAL place for teens & early 20's to live and learn a vocation...maybe there's something like that near you?
Gentle hugs...