Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Already Gone...

The last few months of my life have been surreal. There is no other word for it. The loss of a child is like nothing I can describe to you. It is pain that you feel to the very depths of your soul. Yet, life around you goes on. You must go on. I still have a mortgage to pay so I still have to get out of bed every day and get dressed. I still have another child to raise so I don't get the luxury of just completely shutting down.

Most people, can not relate to the pain of losing a child. I hear often, that it is the most devastating loss a human being can go through. It is unnatural, unfair, perverse, against nature. I have since noticed, often times, once the initial shock of it wears off, it is easier for those around you, to pretend it never happened, or to pretend you don't exist. It becomes the 600 lb gorilla in the room. I experience this often.

Perhaps I am just becoming cynical, but I often feel that some people could perceive the death of my son as brought on by himself. I have known of at least 2 or 3 deaths by heroin overdose in the months prior to the death of my son. After those deaths, I have also overheard people whispering things like "just another dead junkie".

15 comments:

Syd said...

I am sorry for so much pain Kel. A death of a loved one, no matter how it occurs, is such a painful thing. I have often wondered how parents deal with the loss of their children who are supposed to outlive them. Like you said, life goes on. But life also has been forever changed. Take care of yourself, Kel.

Annette said...

There really are no words for that depth of pain I would imagine. My heart really goes out to you. You are living through my very worst fear. ((HUG)) I am so sorry.

Dad and Mom said...

Here is my comment to your post:

Ronald Grover Alex Grover: Want to see why your mom and I fight so hard to help you see the light about your issues. Why it never is far from our thoughts no matter if you are close or not. Read this post from this mom. http://cloudiebay.blogspot.com/

I posted this to our son's Facebook page.

Anna said...

I am very sorry for your loss. Please try to be good to yourself and take comfort in time to what you have left in this life. He no longer has to endure this earthly pain.

Cat said...

Kel,
Reading this about your loss is painful, hell thinking about the loss, is painful. I cannot imagine and I would not want to, this has to be the worst kind of loss to bear as a parent. I am sorry for your loss, I just wish I had better words to express that to you.

Barbara said...

Kel, how dare someone say such a thing, yet I have no doubt that some of those around you are thinking it. They don't know. They don't know what it is to love someone that is in the depths of addiction. I hope they never have to know but I do hope they grow some compassion.

I can't imagine what you feel right now. I've thought of you and wondered how you were. I think so many of us live in fear of it, and then when it happens...what then? I am just so very, very sorry that you lost your boy.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

As Annette states, you are living through every parent's worst fear, and that is probably why many pretend it didn't happen or that you don't exist, because it brings up their deepest fear. I think of you often and try to send light your way. I will continue to think about you and hope that each day will get easier to get up, get out of bed and get dressed. (((HUGS)))

Cheryl said...

I've heard that attitude expressed, and it makes me cringe each time - that "junkie" was someone's beloved child, and nobody chooses the terrible driving misery of addiction.
When a friend's husband died, I ran into her a month or so later, and she said that it was so surreal - all of a sudden, nobody mentioned him, it was as if he'd never lived - it made her pain far worse.
Treat yourself with special kindness and gentleness, you need that now.

Pam said...

Oh Kel...I wish we could sit down together and you could tell me all about your boy, and we could laugh at childhood photos and funny things he did as child. I know he was so much more than an addict. I think of you often darlin'...and pray you are finding balm somewhere for your spirit.

Fractalmom said...

I just wish there was any kind of comfort I could offer. {{{hugs}}}}

LisaC said...

I have no magic words except to say that you remain in my prayers and I hope for your son that he has found relief now that the horrible awful pain of addiction has left him. God never abandons, even if our physical being sleeps forever.

You are so brave and so strong because you do keep going; and many of us do understand.

Take care, Kel.

Lou said...

I once read the best thing you can say to someone who lost a child is "you will never get over this".

Because that is the truth.

So sorry, Kel

Her Big Sad said...

I've been checking from time to time, to see if you had posted.. I pray for you daily. I am so very very sorry that you have lost your son. I have a friend who is experiencing the same thing. She lost her husband to cancer less than a year ago and no one talks about him and they change the subject when she does.

I wish I too could sit down with you and hear some of your best memories with your son. Our children are So Much More than this addicton issue. I don't know how to express it, but our children are beautiful creatures with wonderful qualities, different talents and histories that are rich and funny and full of accomplihments.... and they have this problem of addiction. But they are so much more than that.

I hope your days get a little easier and your heart, a little lighter. And that maybe you will share a few stories with us here, someday. Take care...

Anonymous said...

I so feel your pain. We are terrified right now as our son who is 20 is addicted to herion. He has been in a re-hab place for a 30 day treatment, only to get kicked out at day 28 for using on the premises. I am sick with worry. I don't want to loose him.

Brandi said...

Where I am, I don't know, in the silence you don't know, you must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on. -Samuel Beckett, The Unnamable

So very sorry.