Monday, May 04, 2009

But something told me to run, and honey you know me, it's all or none...

Sometimes I just cant help but throw myself a pity party. While I know that I was married to the wrong man and I stayed married for entirely too long, I still wish that I was married. Happily married to the right man. I know that this is not a recipe for successful children who don't have addiction problems. But I think it would have been easier to battle if I had an equal partner. Someone that I loved and respected and trusted. And who felt the same towards me.

I can remember the day I told my parents that I was pregnant and getting married. I was 20 years old. I was lucky, I had loving, supportive parents, and so did my ex-husband. I had only been dating him for about 6 months. I was in college, working part time at an insurance agency. My husband was in college, in theory, meaning he barely went, and he was working part time busing tables at a Chinese restaurant and sometimes making deliveries. We barely knew each other. I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

I remember my mother's face when she told me that while she supported my decision to have the baby and get married, that I needed to be aware of all that I was giving up. I was giving up the best years of my life, and that it was not going to be easy. I heard her, but didn't really hear her. I didn't understand the importance of really knowing someone before you decide to commit to a lifetime together, or more importantly, to committing to raising a child together. I think I thought I was playing house.

Neither of us really knew what it took to make a marriage work. We didn't understand the give and take. We didn't grasp the concept of compromise. My had a really great social life, lots of friends, we had lots of parties and BBQs. There was lots of drinking and partying. My brother in law once said to me that he didn't understand why we focused so much on our friends and not each other. The comment offended me. Until many years later when I realized I still didn't know this man I married many years ago. He worked nights and slept days. I avoided "sleeping" with him at all costs. I wasn't physically attracted to him. I secretly envied my friends and the relationships they had. I coveted their rock sized engagement rings, their big elaborate weddings, the nice shiny new things they were able to buy because they did things the "right" way.

Many years later, looking back through my 40 year old eyes, I see the mistakes that I had made. But it doesn't stop me from wanting a second chance at a beautiful life. I'm way past wanting the shiny toys and sparkly ring. But I want a partner, someone to share my life with. I am seeing someone now who is not the perfect man, but he is good and he is kind and gentle. He is tolerant. He is patient. He loves me.

Early on in our relationship, I would try to make him meet my friends and spend time with us. He was reluctant. I was anxious to meet his family and to be a part of it. He was reluctant. He tried to explain to me that he wanted to spend time with me. Not my friends, not my family. This offended me. I didn't realize that he was right, that it was important to get to know each other, alone, without the distraction of other people. Maybe it is my insecurities that I am not lovable and that if gets to know me, then he wont like or love me and that is why I insisted on surrounding myself with people, to keep me safe and protected and well hidden. This is something I have done all of my life and I am finally learning that it is not the way to be successful in a relationship. if he doesn't like me, well, then he doesn't like me. Hiding behind my family, and my friends isn't going to change that, it is simply going to prolong the inevitable. That's all.

So maybe this old dog can learn some new tricks. Or maybe its just time to take away the smoke and mirrors and just learn to let myself be me. Maybe I am something special after all...


Cat said...

Kel - I am so happy to have come by today and read this - I often wonder if I settled and if my need to be loyal outweighed my need to be satisfied and happy...

What a good thing you are doing for yourself - this sounds like a great place to be right now.


Misery Marketing said...

Whatever happens I hope you stay happy and keep thinking about whats good for you. Why is that so hard for us humans to do? Stupid universe.

Pen to Paper said...

It's never too late to learn something new and it is never too late to begin again. Good luck.

Syd said...

Kel, you are special. No need for smoke and mirrors. I'm glad that you are realizing that it's okay to be who you are.

Indigo said...

I told another friend recently, when you don't have to try to be perfect and find someone who loves you just as you are imperfections and all - your home.

When the right person loves you, it's you they see not what you can be or change into. Believe in yourself dear friend, you're worth it, every single bit of it. (Hugs)Indigo

pat said...

You sound great.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...


Just popping by to say "Hello!!!" <--- that was it. ;)

Of course you're special... I wouldn't be here otherwise!

"I am seeing someone now who is not the perfect man, but he is good and he is kind and gentle. He is tolerant. He is patient. He loves me."

He's good & kind & gentle & loves you, but do you love him? Because there's a huge difference of feeling loved and feeling love, and to have real happiness in a relationship you must also be 'in love' and not just 'loved'.

Anyway, i hope you're well over there... not too bad here. Thoughts and wishes, Shane.

Gin said...

I really enjoyed this post. I have had these same feelings myself about my marriage, however, I was the one with the big shiny engagement ring, the beautiful house, the nice cars, etc.

It took me a long time realize that those things were just things. When all was said and done I didn't know the man that I had built these things with and I didn't know myself.

Now that I am working on being happy with myself I am happier than I ever was with all those things. Thank you for this post. It made me think.

Lou said...

Kel, I'm so glad to hear that relationship is working for you. I'm not glad to hear you call yourself an old dog (although I know what you mean) or to imply you are not good enough.
My sponsor met the man of her dreams at 55. And I do mean the perfect man..she is so happy. She had 2 bad marriages before this. She just glows in the happiness of her life now. Bonus..the kids are gone;)
It will happen because you have a big, good heart.

Ms Hen said...

Hi.. found your blog through Cat's and read a few entries.

MY ESH (experience strength hope) and dating again for the last 6 years (and now 48).. well there has to be a balance. After you date someone for awhile it is good to see how they interact with friends and families(both yours and his)..

You can tell a lot about a person in how they treat others in your life and their lives..

And your mom maybe she is afraid you are going to get marry and leave her.. and she is afraid to be alone. Alot of my friends that are divorce says their moms make them feel for dating again... (fear based-and they drive their daughters' boyfriends away by making them feel uncomfortable).

Enmeshment can develop..

This is a great blog; your honesty and depth..

I'm in NY too. Staten Island.. originally Brooklyn.