Thursday, October 30, 2008

What comes around, goes around...

The monster who beat me a few months back is due back in court next week for sentencing. I have been asked to write a letter giving an overview of the relationship and detailing the abuse and subsequent impact on me since.

This is what I am sending them over today. Your comments, are most welcome

XXX County Probation Department
Att: Officer XXX
County Seat Drive
XXX, NY 11111

RE: The Monster
Offense: March 10, 2008

October 30, 2008

Dear Officer XXX:

In the early hours of March 10, 2008, I was the victim of a physical assault, in my home, at the hands of the defendant, The monster, which resulted in his immediate arrest. I have been asked by Probation Officer XXX for a synopsis of my relationship with the defendant, my comments and recommendation as to his sentencing and the impact of the attack on my family and I.

I met the defendant, who was a friend of one of my relatives in the fall of 2007, as I was ending an 18 year marriage. We began seeing each other regularly, and within 2 or 3 weeks of seeing each other, the defendant proclaimed he loved me, and began requiring constant reassurance that he "mattered" to me. He needed and wanted to be important in my world. When we spent time together it was never enough. When I had to go home, he would become angry and sullen; disappointed that I didn't feel the same about leaving him. The defendant often stated that I clearly didn't love him as much as he loved me and if I did, I would dismiss my responsibilities and spend more time with him. When I went out with friends, he would find emergent reasons to call me and keep me on the phone while I was out, and then accuse me of making him look foolish in front of my friends. Insisting I inform my friends how much I was in love with him and how important our relationship was to me, that it was my priority. There was also constant warnings about not to speak to other men, because that would make me look like a whore, and how he "expected" that I would act appropriately as his "good little girl".

After I moved into my new house in November 2008, the defendant almost immediately moved himself in, without invitation. We fought a lot, and the fights tended to be the result of his jealousy and insecurity. According to the defendant, I spent too much time talking with son, or my mother, who lived in the house with me, and in his opinion I didn’t let my mother know just how important he was to me. He often complained I did not show enough affection in front of others and therefore I was being cold, distant and disrespectful. Every argument was the same, that I didn't treat him with enough respect, that I would make him look like a "chump" and that he was the best thing that has ever or will ever happen to me, and that I was going to loose him and I would be sorry for it. How I was going to end up an old lonely bitter woman.
Prior to my relationship with the defendant, I was married to the same man for 18 years. I married at a very young age to a gentle, non-confrontational man, and did not have a lot of experience with relationships or dating. As a result, I did not realize that the jealousy, rage, anger and violence the defendant directed towards me by the defendant, were signs of abuse, not love. These behaviors were controlling, emotionally and physically abusive, and as much as I wished it would change, that the defendant could change, it would not. I can see now, that allowing the defendant to stay in my life, and to continue the relationship with him were the result of my suffering from Battered Woman Syndrome.

The first “red flag” the defendant showed that I did not recognize as unstable behavior at the time, occurred when he would become angry, he would literally punch himself in the head, repeatedly. Sometimes with his fists, sometimes with a cell phone or with whatever he had in his hands. He once smashed my cell phone against his head, breaking it, when he saw that a platonic, male friend had called me. I was then instructed to call my friend and tell him we were not going to be friends any longer

The defendant would question me, to the point of harassment about my past relationships and my marriage. Demanding to know why I stayed married so long if my marriage was an unhappy one, and then he would insult me and say horrible things about me and how pathetic I was that I stayed with my ex-husband for so long, and then he would switch gears and insist that he bets that I stilled loved my ex-husband, and that I was a lying bitch, and how stupid I was for loving my husband at all.
As the relationship continued, his jealousy and insecurity grew. He expected, or rather, demanded me to despise my ex-husband and to cease any relationship with him or his family. He did not see any reason for us to communicate, and if for some reason I had to, it should be done in his presence and I should be nasty and hurtful to him.

During this time, adding to my vulnerability, my father was very sick and was living out what was to be his final days in the hospital suffering from Pancreatic Cancer. The defendant would not allow me to visit my father; in case my ex-husband was visiting and insisted I wait for him to make these visits. This often resulted in much shorter visits than I preferred with my Dad, and have left me deeply regretful as my father passed away in May of this year. When we weren’t together, the defendant would insist I spend as much time as possible speaking to him on the telephone. I was often late for work in the mornings, as he would insist I stay on the phone with him while he drove over an hour commuting to his job. He would expect me to be available to speak with him all day while I was at work, or while I was at lunch. I hold a responsible position as an administrator in a school district and this impacted negatively on my job performance at this time.
When we argued, he would insult my friends, my family, my clothes and my job. He would stop at nothing to make me feel little and awful. He knew my weaknesses and preyed on them. When we weren't fighting he would say he only said these things in anger and to hurt me because I hurt him so deeply and often. It was a vicious cycle that left me confused and hurt.The first real sign of violence occurred one evening we were having an argument, when he became enraged and smashed a wine bottle, shattering it, leaving a trail of broken glass across my kitchen, then went into my bedroom and smashed and broke my jewelry box and shredded some clothes I had just purchased.

On other occasions, he has smashed my car windshield, kicked numerous dents into my car, thrown and dumped my belongings around my bedroom and home while packing his clothes, tore down my closet organizers, spit on me, threw phones, glasses, and other items across the room and into walls. These incidents have been documented with prior police reports that are on file with the District Attorney.
The physical violence I endured, up to and including the final beating started with a smack across the face, being shoved a few times, to being strangled so violently that I was in the air with my feet dangling, confident that I was going to die. Being dragged out of a restaurant by my hair, face smashed into the car door. When he hit, it was usually with a closed fist to the eye. The last beating included repeated closed fist punches to the face, choking me, throwing me around and across the room, and numerous punches to my ribs and torso.

It is my absolute belief, if my mother were not at home at the time of the attack, and if she did not hear my screams and come to my aid, that the defendant could have and would have killed me. This is something I struggle to deal with on a daily basis.

As a result of the assault, I was out of work for a quite awhile. Upon my return, I wore sunglasses for over two weeks to try to hide the severely blackened eyes I suffered as a result of the beating. I was in physical pain for months, and I am still under the care of a chiropractor for the treatment of a herniated disk and other trauma that was done to my back and neck as a direct result of this attack. I still struggle to understand my own feelings about the battering. I no longer feel a sense of personal safety, and I suffer from feelings of helplessness and fear.

My 12 year old son was in the house during the assault, and although he thankfully did not wake up at the time, he is now in therapy trying to work through his fears and feelings of guilt as to not being able to come to my aide while this was happening. He worries constantly and lives in fear of someone trying to cause me harm or death. He suffers anxiety attacks and nightmares and can barely let me out of his sight.

As far as my recommendation to the courts in regard to his sentencing, I do not feel that I am in a position to make such recommendations, as I trust the court to prosecute the defendant to the fullest extent possible. However, I would like it stated for the record, that I am quite disappointed that the additional charges were dropped and the defendant will only be charged with assault. It is my opinion that the defendant is a menace, and is dangerous to himself and to others. I am confident that the court will continue the order of protection against him and the defendant will be punished accordingly and severely as it sees fit.



Cat said...

Kel, I have tears in my eyes at all that you have gone through. I hope that the court judges him severely and that his sentence gives him LOTS of time to attend to himself and get some help. God forbid you went through all of this and he gets a slap on the hand, only to repeat this abuse with an unkowing woman somewhere else.



Anonymous said...

You are very brave and I am very proud of you. I will be praying that the court system doles out an appropriate punishment. I'd personally like to take a baseball bat to the monster.

vicariousrising said...

Man, reading that, it's hard for me to imagine living through it. I can't see how this guy isn't a menace to other women. He should be forced to get "misogynist" tattooed on his face as part of his sentence.

Syd said...

He is a bomb that hasn't been defused. His actions towards you are inexcusable and he should be punished to the fullest extent possible. I hope that you are getting some help to work through this ordeal.

KnowMore said...

There are so many women who don't share their stories of realtionship abuse or violence out of fear or shame, or just feeling like they are all alone.

By posting this, you are helping to shine a light on relationship abuse and we are all the better for it.

Women are sharing their stories and taking action at

Molls said...

Oh Kel,
You are a brave and inspiring woman. Good luck. I will pray for you and your family.

Stacie said...

wow. I just happened onto your blog and I had to comment on this.

however, all that comes to mind is WOW