Tuesday, August 14, 2007

These eyes, a cold and vacant stare...

I am back in my office this morning, still feeling fatigued, but the jet lag slowly subsiding. I did not sleep well last night at all, but did not toss and turn and wake to the horrific nightmares I have been having lately. This is something that has happened to me my entire life. When I am ill or under a great deal of stress, I have terrible, frightening nightmares.

I am harbouring so much resentment against AH that it raises my blood pressure. Upon arriving at the airport on the first day of our trip, my luggage was lost. Three pieces: two of mine and one carrying all of La Petits clothing. I totally started to lose it. Now, I know this is not the end of the world, but I was wearing shorts and a tank top, and I was going to Alaska. The hundred dollar credit the airline was offering me as a consolation was not going to cut it. I resigned myself to find a store just to buy a toothbrush and a pair of jeans to wear and hope for the best that it would turn up later in the day. As we were leaving the airport, AH, a heavy smoker who had not smoked a cigarette in over 8 hours was getting super cranky, and the porter helping us with our luggage suggested we take one more quick trip around the carousel before exiting the airport. Well AH was basically like, Nope. We have looked, it isn't here, give it a rest, you are over reacting as usual. This just set the tone for the vacation. I lost it, started crying my eyes out and as a result, La Petit followed suit. AH was completely indifferent as usual. The luggage situation worked itself out, and it was located before we got into a cab on the way to our hotel. The point being, he just didn't give a sh*t how I felt, this was the first of many nasty fights we had over the vacation.

It is important to mention that my family pays the bill for the entire trip. These trips do not cost this man a penny out of his pocket with the exception of his bar bill (which is normally quite expensive as you can imagine) and any excursions or shopping we do on the trip. We travel in luxury, large beautiful suites on the ship, etc. Later in the week we got into another huge argument in front of my whole family and I stormed back to our suite. He comes in a few minutes later to continue the fight and we basically get down to how we both want out of the marriage in a big way and then I was even more enraged, questioning how dare he allow my family to pay for his vacation when he clearly does not wish to be a part of it anymore.

I know there will be a grieving process for the relationship, and I am no longer kidding myself that it will be a nice warm and fuzzy amicable divorce. He is becoming more and more obnoxious and distancing himself even further away from his children. I know he is in full active alcoholism right now, and that I can not help or save him or make him into the father I want him to be, but the resentment is eating me alive. I can go on and on about the comments and actions he has made over the last week or so where he clearly doesn't want to do anything with his son. If it is me he doesn't care to spend time with he should put it out there, and not hold it against La Petit. Then, when LP acts really clingy and wont leave my side, he blames me for babying him and not cutting the cord.

I am filled with such mixed feelings and remorse towards this man. I look back to our beginnings and see the pattern that became our life and his ability to stay just slightly outside of us, never quite being one of us. And I wonder was there something I could have done different? Did I keep him at bay? Push him away? Did I like that he was a stranger in our lives? And why the F has he stayed in it???


Tab said...

{{I hear your resentment Kel.}}

The AH is not capable of taking care of himself well enough to maintain any dignified parental role right now.That is one of the saddest realities I have seen with alcoholism and addictions.Parents who are ill cannot parent from the heart like a sober co-parent.Fact.

At some point you are going to realize you are packing around so much that it is impairing your own serenity and ability to live the way you yearn and hope for Kel.

I just know you are going through this for a reason.You are being empowered and not even knowing it.
Maybe that is why you feel so out of sorts..there is something shifting in you?? It's interesting what you said about stress and nightmares...I ALWAYS dream about being in airplanes that are about to crash when I am stressed..without fail.OR on boats in a storm!!! Have been like that for years...

For today I wish you deep breaths and filled with faith and hope that your journey is only going to get a little smoother soon.Transitions can be a little rocky at times..so hang on with one hand and leave the other free for new beginings :)(and cupcakes)

Love you Kel.

Tab xo

Beth said...

Wish I had some answers for you. All I can say is.. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You will never ever been given something that is too much for you to handle.

Syd said...

It's hard to see the promise of how things started out in a marriage and what finally occurs when things go down hill. I don't think that you can do anything but do an inventory of yourself and see where you were to blame. Then just forgive yourself and make amends if you can. Harboring resentment will only build more anger and make things worse.

Redhead Gal said...

Your resentment is just simmering through this post. {{{{{{Kel}}}}}}

Namenlosen Trinker said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

vicariousrising said...

Hiya Kel.

I can't imagine that the stress of being IN the relationship with AH is worth all the effort and pain. I hope in time you will begin to realize how much he has been taking from you.

My prayers are with you. {{{KEL}}}