Thursday, July 12, 2007

Theres got to be something better than in the middle...

As I sat at my kitchen table last night, reading our local paper, a photograph of the local councilman, mayor and an Eaggle Scout being honored caught my eye. The boy had achieved some kind of high court eaggle scout honor. After closer observation, I realized it was a friend of the Prince's. This is the kid who my Prince had taken his first drink with, (which incidentally resulted in the two of them vomiting vodka and grapefruit juice all over my den), they had, in their own words, "started their drug career" together. Everything from marijuana, pills, inhalants to cocaine. Before we were able to get the Prince into a program, the two of them proudly proclaimed together throughout their sophomore and junior years of high school, that they started together, and they would end together, and that rehab was for quitters and they weren't going to end it like that.

While the Prince was in the program, I had heard various reports of the level of this kids drug use. Sometimes I was told he was out of control, popping xanax like candy, he smoked so much pot he was "yellow", sometimes I heard he was clean, just smoking a little pot. I never really get the full story. All I know is, for the last 4 years he has been an active drug user, dealer and who knows what else, and now he has achieved some high eaggle scout honor and is smiling nice and pretty for the camera with the mayor and the councilman with his parents standing, smiling and proud next to him. The same parents who once cursed us out because he heard the boys were smoking hash in my garage. And my prince, well he is stocking shelves for a local marina.

I just can not understand why this has happened to us, and how I can prevent it from happening to La Petite. Why is it that my kids have been unable to achieve any small successes? I know better than to blame myself, but it is getting harder and harder to not these days. I mean this kid was a major player in the local drug culture in our neighborhood and now he is a highly honored scout, one to be looked up to and emulated by the youth in my community? I don't f-ing think so.

I know my bitterness here is palpable. My relationship with the Prince is not in a great place. He does not pick up his cell phone when I call him. This burns me up. We have a family vacation planned for early August and I need to be sure he has cleared the time off with his boss, I have other things I need him to take care of at my house. Belongings of his he needs to go through as I prepare to move out of this house. He has admitted to me that he has smoked pot recently and I know he is still drinking. If he is admitting to pot and alcohol, I am afraid to think what he is really using. I have not seen him since his birthday, so I cant even tell from looking at him.

So clearly I have not moved out of my dark, bleak mood just yet. I am going to try to catch a meeting in the next few days and maybe do some reading. Something here just has to give. I hope I am not becoming too dull and whiny for those of you who read my rantings. Either way I am sending lots of love to you all....


Beth said...

something better is there... just keep moving forward AT YOUR PACE.

vicariousrising said...

I'm glad you are still writing. I would be in an utter panic if you stopped. Would have to come looking for you. *shaking head* That would not be pretty, trying to suss you out, calling for Kel, Prince, La Petit and AH... then if all else failed tracking down that MF eagle scout in the paper... no no no, that would just not be cool.

Not that I wouldn't love to give you a hug, but there ought to be a better way than you stopping blogging.

My heart aches for you. I wish I knew what to say or do to make it better. I had to settle for hoping that being a little goofy would make you crack a tiny smile.

Love you,

pat said...

Sometimes life simply sucks. Keep taking those baby steps.

Trudging said...

Man oh man! I understand your frustration.
But remmember, just because the kid is an Eagle Scout does not mean his use won't bite him on the ass down the road.

I used to be really frustrated because I got in trouble with drugs and alcohol really quickly after I started using. I was jelous of the people who got to drink for 20 years before getting into to trouble. Now I realize what a gift my early downfall was.

sober jen said...

Here's a thought: My daughters tell me that the most straight-looking kids are the ones doing the most drinking and drugging.

Their parents cover for them, pull strings, look the other way.

Things aren't always as they seem.

Meanwhile, keep writing. Keep talking. Keep reaching out. The one certainty in life is that things change, but sometimes slowly.

Stay well.

Tab said...

Writing strictly from my own experiences with my eldest and others in my life,the feelings you share here remind me of grief.
I think there is a lot of grieving a lot of us go through in learning to let go.It is a wide range to cover - but we have big hearts-trust you are getting stronger today even if you don't feel strong.As you grow,you will be setting a steller example to both of your boys.Lord knows that is all I can hope for with my kids!!!!
Thank you for sharing ~
love Tab xo

Tab said...

Hey chickie boom..I hope you are feeling a little better.Update with a new post when you can :)
Love Tab xo

Anonymous said...

Sometimes we have to look to measure success(es) in a different way. Prince having a job AT ALL seems like a success to me. And I don't give a sh** who made Eagle Scout -- big deal. Just one woman's opinion ;-)
I hope you DID go to that meeting you mentioned and I hope you are well.
Peace and LOVE, kel,
P.S. You are not whining. You are talking about your feelings and your life!

Syd said...

Things aren't always what they seem. A photo doesn't really tell what happens behind closed doors. Life isn't made that way. We want the fantasy but reality is quite different. Hang in there. You are making progress.