Set me free, why don't you...

Last night I dreamt of being on a cruise with my family, and that I was able to leave the ship and take what appeared to be a "magical" train and I was able to visit different countries and sample different varieties of food and culture. It was a long, vivid dream, as most of my dreams are, and it ended with me being with a man in Jamaica and we were shopping and he took me to a place where only residents were allowed and they were angry with him for being with me and with me for being with him, and he was being oppressed and he got angry with me and I can remember chasing him and asking how long he was going to stay angry with me, and we were by the ocean, and it was really rough, and then I woke up, late, as usual.

I have dreams like this, ones that usually involve the ocean, being very rough, and very intimidating when I am feeling very overwhelmed with life. But the odd part of this particular dream was the love I felt for this man and my inability to keep him happy. Which I guess is just a part of my codependency issues. I am struggling greatly with being alone. I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and that I can not expect or need a man in my life to complete me. But what about loneliness and someone to share with? Someone to tell me "G-d bless you when I sneeze?

It has been a difficult week. Last Saturday at NA, it was a "pitch" meeting. A member would start and be given an opportunity to share that would be timed and should not exceed 4 minutes and then they were to choose who was to share next. Someone "pitched" to the Prince. At first he said he did not want to share and he had nothing to say. These people are wonderful and they weren't having it, they encouraged him and asked a few questions and he shared a little and I was really proud of him. Of course I wanted someone to pitch to me, but I guess as the "mom" I don't get to share.

During the smoking break, he started talking to some younger guys that were there. I went back in and he stayed outside with them for quite awhile. I was getting a bit annoyed, because I thought he should come back to the meeting. I THOUGHT. Key words. I even want to control how he conducts himself at meetings. After the meeting he told me he wants to start coming by himself from now on. Of course I took this as he is planning on getting high with one of these new kids, or that he plans on sneaking out of the meeting to go get high or something of that nature. I still do not trust him at all and I realize I have made absolutely no progress at all in my ability to let go. I may talk the talk, but I do not believe in myself or in him at all.

At this meeting, a young man shared about how his one year anniversary is coming up, and how he subconsciously thinks deep within himself, that it is like a graduation of sorts, like, "Hey, I stayed clean for one year, now I can be rewarded and go get high". Thankfully, from coming to meetings and working his program he came to realize that it isn't like a graduation. He is STILL an addict. He will ALWAYS be an addict, and he has to keep on not using, and keep on coming to meetings and then and only then, can he achieve success in his sobriety.

This got me to thinking about alot of the stuff that I don't like to think about with the Prince. I have seen some stuff on some my space accounts that he wrote making reference to how the party is going to be "ON" when he is finally "free" next month. He also made some comments to be regarding members who have 10 or more years of sobriety, and how he could not even imagine that. I told him he doesn't have to ever think about staying clean except for one day at a time. He said he knows he will relapse again. He just knows it.

When the Prince first started his program, I did alot of research and reading on addiction and treatment models, etc. To be honest at first I did not have alot of faith in twelve steps because I didn't know enough about it and not being a religious or even spiritual person, didn't think it could work for people like us. The program he attends does not use twelve steps. There is alot of hocus-pocus lingo out there stating that rehabilitation for adolescents has come a long way since its inception. That currently, treatment is different for adolescents than it is for adults. I agree that 30 days residential treatment and then into meetings does not work for kids. Absolutely. Kids need long term care, not necessarily residential for all kids, but a long term treatment plan that involves therapy, education, family involvement, positive reinforcement, etc. But I have since come to believe that, while the Prince has benefited from the program in alot of ways, he has maintained sobriety, albeit with many relapses, I am not so sure this will help him to achieve long term sobriety. I don't think he can do it without the twelve steps, and he has since told me he will go to meetings but he wont do the steps.

He will be 18 in 3 short weeks. He will age out of his program at the end of June. He will have to do some summer school in order to graduate. The we will need to put a follow up treatment plan into place. We have discussed him seeing his old therapist, who we all have seen in my family and I respect and trust him immensely, he will go to an alternative HS program for disaffected students for the summer with a small teacher to student ratio to get the last few credits he needs in order to graduate, and he will attend meeting 3-4 nights a week as apposed to going to intensive outpatient treatment a few afternoon a week. It all looks really good on paper. He will presumably get some work. He needs to get a job. He has made beyond no effort to do this.

Manipulation. He is the master. He has been bugging me for the last week or two for a day off. He will call me at night and say, "Hi Mommy," and I know he wants something. He only calls me Mommy when he wants something. The program is in "crisis" mode for the remainder of the week, which means, they sit in a room all day and do nothing, no group, no activities, no nothing. This is because one of the younger kids (younger meaning new to the program) did something unacceptable and wont own up to it so the entire group is punished for it. He is furious about it, he didn't want to go today. I worked from 8 a.m. yesterday until after 7 p.m. last night without even taking a break for lunch. I have working these hours all week. I was tired and not in the mood for his BS I told him he was going and it was off the table for discussion.

Prince Charming turned into the Beast. He got nasty and hung up on me. Whatever. This morning when he came over, he came in my room and immediately started. I didn't have the fight in me so I told him to do whatever the F he wanted to do, that I just don't give a damn anymore, go to school, don't go, I don't care. He got loud and in my face, just like the old days. It confirmed my feelings that we cannot live in the same house anymore because I just cant take the emotional abuse. So, bottom line, he didn't go. He wins. Just like he always does.