Thursday, April 12, 2007

Now I lay me down to sleep

My mom called me at 6:30 this morning. My favorite Aunt passed away in her sleep last night. She had been ill for the last several months. She suffered from a very serious case of a hereditary disease that I was recently diagnosed with. Ultimately, her body had been breaking down for the last few months. Her ammonia levels were toxic and rising. Her passing is so sad, but she was not coherent, would never walk again, she would not recover and her quality of life was nil. My mom is heartbroken, they were very very close. It is likely that this year she will have not only lost her sister, but she may lose her husband of 43 years as well. Sometimes life is unfair.

I am sad at the loss of my Aunt. I will miss her, I feel badly for her grandchildren as their lives will lack something for not having the great fortune of having her in their lives. Her husband of close to 60 years, I doubt he will survive without her. He will surely die of a broken heart. She has two daughters who she adored and they adored her back, her son is my evil twin cousin. We are 6 months apart and we are the same person. I am worried for him because he has not been accepting of her making it through this. He was too calm this morning when I spoke to him. I will have to keep my eye on him.

I am a selfish woman. I, as usual, am thinking of only myself. No one is worried about how I am taking the loss. No one has called to see if I am OK. Not the AH, the Italian kind of showed some concern but more in a selfish way cause he wants to see me tonight and I have been spending less and less time with him. I feel cheated in this life where I am alone and no one really cares about me. And I hate that I always make everything about me. I don't know where I fit in. Do I need Al-anon or AA? Am I co-dependent? Am I an adult child of an alcoholic? Am I just a mess?

No post could be complete without mention of the Prince. He was over last night and we spent some time working on his fish tank. A few weeks ago he cleaned the whole tank, did a complete water change and added some new fish. Last week, the AH was touching up the spackling that I had done in there since the job I did apparently sucked, and he neglected to cover the tank and he ruined the water with spackle dust, killing most of the fish. The Prince came looking for me asking about Nitrate levels in water. I asked him what made him think I would know anything about that? He just shrugged and walked away. His grandmother told me when he left the room, that the Prince thinks I know everything, that I am the smartest woman in the world, that he always says when someone is unsure about something, to ask his Mom. That I would know the answer. Well what do you know about that. I feel, well, like I guess it's just a matter of time before I let him down, again.

R.I. P. Auntie B. I will love and miss you always.


Anonymous said...

May your sweet Aunt be in peace now, kel. I am so sorry for your loss.
Bless you and peace to you,

P.S. Prince thinks his Mom knows everything in the world -- how dear is that? Absolutely precious.

Trudging said...

I am sorry for your loss but, I am glad she is at peace.

thejunkyswife said...

I'm sorry to hear about your aunt. From watching others and getting to know recovery so well, I hope you don't beat yourself up too much for worrying about yourself. Beating yourself up never helps.

vicariousrising said...

I am so sorry to hear about your Aunt. Try to take care of yourself. It's ok to feel a little sorry for yourself right now, so long as you find some sober people to talk to about it.

Best wishes to you,

working mom NYC said...

Dear Kel,
Condolences for the death of your much-loved aunt. We have only a few people in our lives who really make a difference, and it's clear that she was very important to you. Eventually the sorrow will fade away and you can celebrate the positives she gave you. This is a hereditary illness? That must also be affecting you right now. Ask your true friends for their support - tell them you need looking after. Kel, you give so much of your energy and thought to others - now is the time to get some of it back for yourself.