Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Secrets

The Prince has been living at his grandparents since the relapse and I can honestly say, I have never been happier. His grandmother brings him home every morning to catch the bus to his program and picks him up every afternoon. I say Good Morning to him and discuss whatever is happening and I continue to get ready for work and he lays down until his bus arrives. This morning we discussed his present state of flunking out of high school, he rolled his eyes at me and again said he didn't plan on repeating his senior year. It is hard for me to not engage and start a fight. But I didn't. My heart started racing, but I kept my cool.

His grandmother has plans on Saturday and asked if we could take the Prince for the day. I felt the blood drain from my face. G-d forgive me, but I don't want him there for even a day. He will pick a fight, he will start with me, he will steal something, he will torture his brother, I am just not up to it. I said only if his father would be home. Yeah right.

So I feel I have to share something with my fellow bloggers. I have a secret. Depending on how you view these sort of hings it is either a bad secret or a good secret. I have been seeing a man. Yes, technically I am married. But it is strictly on paper. We have had separate bedrooms for 3 or more years and haven't been intimate in as long. Except for once while on vacation in the Bahamas a few years ago when he fed me too much wine with dinner. So anyway, I am seeing someone. He is older. Fourteen years older and he is old fashioned of the boat Italian. Not that that is a bad thing, just something I am not used too. It was nice in the beginning, the wining and dining, the phone calls, flowers, little gifts. He knows my situation and I explained from day 1 that I was a little it broken and not up to anything serious and I could make no promises as my kids were my priority and that this was just a friendship that was blossuming. He listened to me, he is so supportive of me, he knows all my drama, my parents like him. My mom knows what is going on and she is happy that someone is finally taking care of me and that I seem happy for the first time in a million years.

I have a few good friends that are of the male persuasion. One I used to work with and we have remained great friends, he is 6 years younger than me. He is not a threat. Our friendship is mostly through email and occasional phone calls. The other is a friend that I also communicate mostly through emails with, we also run/walk together when our schedules allow. We have been friends for almost 14 years. There isn't even sexual tension between us. I told him about these friends and explained that I wasn't going to give them up and he would have to deal with that when we first got together. He accepted it.

Until recently. He is becoming fiercely jealous. Possessive. He gets mad at me for nothing and hangs up on me and then doesn't speak to me for days. I have to runoffs and kiss his ass and make up. Sooo not like me. Yesterday he was telling me about some earrings he bought for his daughter and they sound exactly like a pair my old work friend bought for his girlfriend and I remarked how funny that was that they both choose this kind of earring. He flipped out and pretty much hung up on me. He knows what I am going through with my Dad being so sick, my Prince being so F-ed up, my cold from Sneezy McSneeze, and all of my other drama. He hasn't called me since. I have decided not to call him either. I didn't so anything wrong and just cant understand why I keep making these bad choices and decisions in my life. Is this just more co-dependency? Am I so desperate to be loved and taken care of? Are you all going to judge me and call me a slut and say no wonder my Prince is so screwed up?

6 comments:

Tab said...

First thing Kel...get over what you may fear others may or do think of you.I know that fear and it used to make me crazy.I hated teachers for this very reason..I was sure they all thought I was a complete loser.
I know better now and just don't give to flying figs what anyone thinks of me..
(well..most of the time..
progress not perfection right? lol)

You are not a slut!!!!!!!! Geesh.
You are a fabulously growing human and human woman ta boot :)
Yep..when we are in the peak of our codependency and feel lonely,we often hang with a partner who really isn't that great for us.As you learn to let go in many areas of your life Kel,this area will be included.I in no way whatsoever think any less of you.In fact Kel,
I admire your honesty and quest for peace and love in your life.

You have made HUGE life decisions just in the time I have gotten to know you here.I love that you are moving on..your own place..the house for sale this Jan..the Prince with the Grandparents for now..this is all really positive stuff from where I am sitting my friend.

Woman you are going to find the right person one day..and when you do..believe me..you will know.
Till then..you may have a few men along the way like Mr.Hangsuponyou.

You keep up all of your wonderful self care..hope the Prince doesn't bring ya down this weekend.
Sending you love..Tab xo

Pam said...

Well, I was going to comment, but Tab said everything so beautifully, that I think I'll just say "ditto to what Tab said"

SCoUt said...

Nope, I'm not gonna do ANY of what you said...
Agreed with Tab that was 2nd by Pam.
I hear you growing,
Scout

Sober Chick said...

Ultimately it is your experience. I am no one to pass judgement. I need to keep an eye on my own decisions and actions.

There is no formula that suggest a pattern of how we should fall in love and learn to grow in that love. Quite honestly I did everything backwards. As Tab says I found the right person, and we did nothing by the book. My disease was fed (he being an Al-Anon sort) and we went thru some fast and rocky times. I would not change any of it.

Thanks 4 ur honesty.

Trudging said...

Hang in there!

SCoUt said...

Kel,
it's time for a little play. You have been tagged. that means you have to go to my blog to see what to do next.
Peace and playfulness,
Scout