Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Who's sorry now?

The combination of my meds is exhausting me. I can not possibly live my life like this. My therapist called me yesterday and can see me this weekend. This is a very good thing. I have been in a complete self destructive out of control downward spiral the last few weeks. I am just getting too old to keep making bad choices. I stopped seeing my shrink after my doc put me on the anti-depressants and I started to feel human again. Thought I was cured by the little blue blue pills. Being a well read, very informed mother of a son with an addiction problem, you think I would know better than to believe something like that. That my own evils could be chased away with a little pill and no hard work while I expect my prince to face his demons and not depend on substances to make everything ok. I know it is not necessarily the same thing but it somehow just seems hypocritical to me.

And sometimes, and this is one of these times, I feel like a complete fraud. A hypocrite and a fraud. A phony. A liar. I am not who I pretend to be. Yes, I am strong and I love my children but I am also sad and self centered and needy and that leads me to make choices that I know are very wrong and will have poor outcomes. Isnt repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome a crude definition of insanity? It that it? Have I finally gone insane???

7 comments:

Tab said...

(I just erased my usual mile long comment for you.)

You sound like a woman ready for change.That takes courage.You are no more insane than I Kel.
Here is a saying that has helped me when I was feeling less than sane.

~ When you have reached the end of your rope..tie a knot and hang on! ~

I bet you are growing through this Kel..one day at a time :)
Thanks for sharing,I missed you too.

Al-Anon Lifer said...

Oh, my, I feel your fears and your pain. I'm on meds and always will be. I have a biological disease of the brain and have suffered from depression all my life. My doctor, in her wisdom, told me that the meds only get me to the point where I am able to use the tools of my Al-Anon program to recover from the effects of addiction on my life and my behavior. In other words, working the program is the answer, not the pills. A saying I have held onto in times like yours is "This Too Shall Pass"... And it will if you trust your HP.

SCoUt said...

I come from a family of shrinks (and one Pastor)and I was taught that medication without therapy is not a good idea in the early going especially. It takes time to sort out if it is clinical (biological) or situational. If it's clinical then you can eventually stop the therapy but keep on the meds. If it's situational, therapy can maybe help through the situation you are having. But the need for both is great at the beginning of medication. And, if you haven't done it, you ARE at the beginning, Kel.
I also believe that Al-Anon would help you to be able to maybe not require therapy after a short time -- if you get involved, read the literature, and work the Steps.
Sorry, I know I have mentioned Al-Anon several times to you and I'm not sure if you decided to go. But I really, really, really recommend it to you.
Hope you get through and I am always happy to see you post.
Peace,
Scout

Trudging said...

I am on meds too! They help me.

Tab said...

Hi Kel..Hope you are doing well?!
Keep in touch when you can :)

Alcoholic Brain said...

Kel, I'm so happy you are keeping your blog. Your post reminds me of when I stood at Step 1. Step 2 is heading toward sanity. I am 53, and have been on antidepressents since age 15. I still have all my parts. Maybe look at the 12 Steps. You might be able to see exactly where you are. Maybe this is the beginning of a whole new healthy way of life...Keep it up! Hugs, AB

Tab said...

Hey Kel,
I hope you are doing ok and will maybe post again...miss ya.