The combination of my meds is exhausting me. I can not possibly live my life like this. My therapist called me yesterday and can see me this weekend. This is a very good thing. I have been in a complete self destructive out of control downward spiral the last few weeks. I am just getting too old to keep making bad choices. I stopped seeing my shrink after my doc put me on the anti-depressants and I started to feel human again. Thought I was cured by the little blue blue pills. Being a well read, very informed mother of a son with an addiction problem, you think I would know better than to believe something like that. That my own evils could be chased away with a little pill and no hard work while I expect my prince to face his demons and not depend on substances to make everything ok. I know it is not necessarily the same thing but it somehow just seems hypocritical to me.
And sometimes, and this is one of these times, I feel like a complete fraud. A hypocrite and a fraud. A phony. A liar. I am not who I pretend to be. Yes, I am strong and I love my children but I am also sad and self centered and needy and that leads me to make choices that I know are very wrong and will have poor outcomes. Isnt repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome a crude definition of insanity? It that it? Have I finally gone insane???