Monday, January 09, 2012

We were ready for anything... but this

Yesterday was two years since my beautiful prince left this world. A mass was said in his name on Saturday evening in the same church where his requiem mass was held. I am ashamed to admit that I have not stepped foot in that church or any other since the day my son was buried. I was raised catholic and still believe in God and respect some of the laws of catechism, but if I am to be honest with myself, I have to admit it has been very difficult for me to not question and doubt the justness of the last few years of my life. That being said, it felt good to be in church, surrounded by my friends and some family and to remember the rituals of a Catholic Mass. My favorite part has always been (please forgive me if I have the terminology incorrect), when the priest lowly chants the words of consecration over the gifts while the litany is being sung. It has always been the part of mass that somewhat restores my faith.

One of my oldest and dearest friends arranged to have the mass said. After we received communion and kneeled for the obligatory prayer, she leaned over to me and told me she also said a prayer for me and told me she was proud of me for being so strong. While I appreciated the kind words I don't know that I am any stronger than anyone else in my position, but I know I am just trying to survive.

So much has changed in these last two years, and so much is still so very much the same. I miss him so very much. I feel as though there is something I should be doing or should have been doing to make some kind of difference in this world. In his name. Yet, I know in and around the area where I live, the prescription drug abuse is spiraling at all time highs. There have been frequent pharmacy hold ups for oxys, many of them resulting in shoot outs and deaths of innocent people who happened to be in the wrong time at the wrong place. I do not live in a city or even very close to the city, I live in suburbia. In my humble opinion, there needs to be something done about the Oxycotin. Take it off the market. Or have it only available in a clinic type setting. I have thankfully never had pain so terrible that I needed opiates to treat it, but I have suffered the pain of losing a child to an opiate overdose. If this drug is so dreadfully addicting, that paople become so desperate for it that they are willing to walk into a family drugstore in the middle of the afternoon, on a busy street and kill for it, well then, this to me is problematic.


Anonymous said...

sorry for your loss. best wishes going forward.

i agree about the oxy problem. how come there aren't more messages in the media both for parents and for kids? or as you mention, some more controlled way of preventing it from even getting into the wrong hands so easily in the first place.

how come i didnt know about oxy until my stepkid was already addicted to heroin?

Syd said...

Kel, there are some interesting articles out there. Here is a simplified one about what is being done:

I suppose that there are more recent articles as well. It appears that more training for physicians in addiction is necessary. I don't have any answers. But can see both sides of this--those that need the medication legitimately and those that want to put additional controls on the prescribing of drugs.

Anonymous said...

Kel, I have been following your blog for about a year. I started reading your posts for a college writing class. We had to find a blog, read all the entries and comment on our experience. I chose yours because I have a son addicted to heroin(along with whatever he can get his hands on)I was swept away by your personal story, caught up with you in your pain and perseverance. Hoping with you for a better ending...I appreciate your honesty so much. It helps me stay real with our families pain and not try to pretend or minimize the potential fatal ending to it all. My son will turn 27 in February...I don't know exactly where he's staying right now - often I wonder if the next time he surfaces will be when we get "that" phone call and find ourselves traveling to identify his body - arranging his painful to consider. My faith has been challenged deeply over his 11 years of addiction, but I have arrived at the truth that this was not God's choice for my son. He must be as grieved as I am, as you are, over their addictions.

I felt prompted to post because I was moved by your comments of your return to the church where you held services for your son. I'm truly glad you felt some measure of comfort there, from before it all began.

Also, my own frustration over irresponsible Oxy prescription. My son was in a motorcycle accident at 15 while living with a family friend for the summer.The doctor prescribed Oxy's for the back pain. 11 years later he is still a full time heroin addict. AT THE VERY LEAST, prescribing Oxy's to minors should be outlawed. I hope your other son is doing well.

Anonymous said...

Sending lots of love and prayers. I know what it is to be angry with God. Just know that with time, God will ease your pain. You are loved and valued. I've missed you!

Barbara said...

Hi Kel, I want to add you to my blog list but need your email, can you email me at

Thanks :)

abbie said...

I remember times when friends said how "tough" or "strong" I was, in light of the awful pain I was living with. I got mad, at them, at God, at pretty much life. I didn't WANT to be tough or strong, or whatever. I remember raging at home alone, at God. I was raised that you didn't DO that, but Some recovery ppl assured me that God could take it. It was the beginning of a kind of release. God was back in my smallest circle, and I could share ALL of my feelings and thoughts with Him.
Big Hugs, friend.

Hattie Heaton (Mom of an Addict) said...

Kel, you are doing something when you blog about your brings about awareness. The church brings me comfort. I hope that you will continue to find solace there. I have not been in your shoes so it is impossible for me to know how I might handle it. I guess one day at a time, like they say. I will add you to my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Hi Kel, I think about you often. I hope Little Prince is doing well, and the program has been helpful to all of you.