Tuesday, November 10, 2009

When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

I have been seeing the nice man who I went on a date with a few weeks ago. He is gentle, fun, generous and kind. He likes me. Alot. That scares me. Alot. I am trying to explain to him that I need to take it very slowly. That I was not looking for a relationship right now, that I was actually planning on taking some time to myself and work on reconnecting with myself after all that I have gone through the last few years. He is responsive, but keeps saying the "we" word. Like how "we" will remember that our first movie together was a little dark and twisty. Things like when "we" go here or there, etc. I am happy to date him and spend time with him, but I am not ready to be a part of a "we" just yet. Tomorrow I have the day off from work and we are going to spend the day together, going to drive out East and do some Christmas shopping and a nice lunch somewhere. I am sure it will be a pleasant afternoon.

The Prince got a job as a stock broker trainee. He started yesterday. They were to pay for his training and the courses for his Series 7 exam for 8 weeks. He found out an hour after he got there that they would not be paying him until the test was taken and passed. He walked out. The "man" who hasn't worked since early June, said he can not possible go eight weeks with out a paycheck. I took him shopping and spent $300 on work clothes over the weekend. He says it is OK that I spent all that money because now he has interview clothes and plans on having another job lined up by next week. He has three other interviews set up in the next few days. He called me last night and asked me if he should tell the people interviewing him that he has other interviews lined up, you know, so they would offer him more money. I tried to gently tell him that the jobs he was interviewing for were entry level, most likely minimum wage positions and he does not have the experience to use that kind of leverage.

It still hurts that he has no clue about the real world. That he has no education, no marketable skills and that he will have a hard time getting a job because he can not pass a urine test. He still has so much growing up to do. And I don't see it happening any time soon.

He and his father have no relationship. His father only sees him in passing when he is at his mothers house (where the Prince lives). His father has a pretty good relationship with our younger son, La Petite. Much better than I ever thought possible. He sees him regularly and they do things together, La Petite looks forward to spending time with him. I know this hurts the Prince. His father never taught him the things necessary in life to be a man. How to mow the lawn, how to paint a wall, how to tie a necktie. I have tried my best to both mother and father to him. But I see it pains him that his father doesn't want to be a part of his life. His fathers love for him is not unconditional. I know the Prince has caused us all so much pain, but at the end of the day, I still love him deeply, even though I can not allow him to live in my house, and I know I must keep him at a safe distance to protect myself.

12 comments:

~ Tabitha ~ said...

The fact that the Prince is even trying to get a job is enough to tell me he is trying to grow up,Kel.

I wish you could read your posts from a friends of yours view and see how little credit you are giving yourself.You've been through a lot-but you are also moving on-growing-

Next post I hope to see a gratitude list..I miss you.

T xoxo

Syd said...

I'm sure that you will always love your son. But he is old enough to get a job and take care of himself. It might be time to think about boundaries.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

The changes we make move slowly...sadly sometimes and gladly others. I agree with Syd, maybe some boundaries for him...let him know you support him, but you also compassionately detach from the outcomes he creates for now...

You are a strong, brave soul in the world and Tab is right...you need to give yourself credit on what you do!!!

many hugs
g

Beth said...

Loving your son is as easy as breathing for you, and no one doubts that you do. It's never easy to let go and not to try and catch them when they are floundering, but he is trying... he might not be trying at his greatest potential but trying IS something, and guess what? Whether you admit it to yourself or not, whether he admits it... you, my dear, are a part of that... dare I say... even a huge part of that. So, you know what? Don't concentrate on all the negatives, I'm sure there are a few of those. There are some real things to celebrate, and be grateful for. Concentrate on those things.

Misery Marketing said...

I got sucked into a "we" too. I cant find anything wrong with her and I enjoy her a lot. DAMN!!!!!!

carol said...

When my kids were little I was so naive and thought that when they grew up all the worrying and stress would be over. Little did I know. Addiction is tough and a worry that never goes away. For years I was the worst enabler in the world. Maybe I still am.

Beth said...

just popping in to wish you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving. Celebrate the good things in your life.

Anonymous said...
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pat said...

How are you kel? Saying hello.

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

Just wanted to stop by and wish you a lovely holiday. Take care.

Beth said...

Merry Christmas, hope you're doing OK this holiday.

sKILLz said...

ALWAYS think of yourself 1st
You are #1

hope you had a great holiday!
Stay Up!