Monday, November 20, 2006

How to save a life?

As I reread my post from last week, I could kick myself in the head. Or applaud myself for my own intuition. We had another relapse. And it was a F-ing doozey. Triple Cs which he bought from a new kid in rehab with some other money he apparently stole from us and here it comes... Heroine. The prince f-ing snorted heroine. On the bus either on his way to or from rehab. He has managed to relapse on a drug that he had never done before. The family counselor called me Friday afternoon. She was as devastated as I was. I don't think I have been able to breathe normally since getting the phone call.

I just knew. I knew his behavior was off the last few weeks. I should have known he was using. And he is so indifferent. He keeps saying, "One time, I did it one time" like he snuck a beer at a party. This is clearly a child who has no interest in sobriety. I am devastated.

My younger so was sick and I had to take him to the doctor Saturday morning. Friday night I told AH that I was leaving, that this was no longer an environment that I felt safe in and that I was taking my little guy and renting an apartment. He agreed it was best. The little guy and I were out early, went to the doc and then picked up my mom and went looking at some townhouses and condos. I want to live in a gated community if I am going to be on my own, I have never lived on my own before and it scares me a little. When the price got up and we weren't there, his father told him where I was. A little while later he took off again.

So I came home, packed a bag for me and my little guy and went to stay at my moms. I wasn't planning on being home for the drama if and when he showed up. He called his grandparents later that night to be picked up. Then he called me crying saying that I abandoned him. This was all my fault. No shot. Not going to fall for that again. I started to raise my voice in frustration and he hung up on me. He called again yesterday morning and I told him he could live at home with me anymore. Not until he had some honest clean time and a complete change of attitude. That I could no longer enable him and would no longer tolerate his verbal abuse, and him stealing from me, and he decided he will stay with his grandparents but that he was dropping out of rehab and would go to an alternative school to finish HS and get a job and do outpatient treatment but he was done with rehab. In fact, the reason he snorted the heroine in the first place was because he was in rehab. I mean, C'mon, give me a f-ing break.

He didn't go back this morning and I am hoping he will go tomorrow. I feel like the worst mother on the planet for doing this but I don't know what else to do anymore. I am just so sad. I am truly beaten down.


Anonymous said...

You have no idea how close your post touched my heart my friend.
The tears are right here on my cheeks to prove it.YOU are moving along through this the best way you can...I hear your fear and will lead you forwards.You have a right to live in safety so does that little one of yours.I hear your pain.I have been there! Boy have I felt this maternal torture Kel..but you know what you are doing is right and sometimes even doing what is best,what is right,HURTS LIKE HELL> Please believe you are NOT a failure or responsible for how Prince is living right now.You have a great head on your shoulders from just what little I have gotten to know from you this far Kel.Please keep in touch ..I hear progress through your words.You may not feel it today but trust the process.You can and will get through this!!!!!!!
I know you can.
Good luck house hunting..
My heart is with you Kel.From one Mother to another,I am sending you support,love,courage and hope,,
Love Always,Tab
You can email me anytime!!!!!

Trudging said...

I am so sorry about The Prince. You and he are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Some days we just have to get by
one breath at a time...deep breaths.
Tab xo