Since November 2004.....

> my Dad, who had suffered a massive paralysing stroke 11 years ago, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, (in a nutshell, we found some amazing docs at Sloan Kettering that were able to operate and his prognosis of 3- 6 months and inoperable has been proven wrong as he is still with us and fairing rather well 14 months later).

> I have discovered my son has a substance and alcohol abuse issue.

> I have learned that my husband is a closet alcoholic, drinking a bottle of vodka that he hides somewhere in the house a day.

> I had decided to file for a divorce and then rescinded my decision when things just got so hairy I didnt think I could handle them on my own. Alas, we are still married, living under the same roof, but in seperate bedrooms and we are more like roomates than a couple.

>I have allowed a work relationship to develop into a platonic friendship and develop further into a friends with benefits kind of thing. I know this is a bad thing as it is going nowhere fast and Im not sure Im capable of the Booty Call thing, but cant handle more than that now.

TODAY-

Some days I just need to be held and have a hard time asking for that one particularly simple need to be met, or maybe I just have a hard time accepting the fact that while I have a large circle of friends, I guess there is just no on in my life that loves me in a romantic way that cares that I need to be held and is willing to hold me.

How sad is that?

So my mom has been in the hospital since Saturday morning, congestive heart failure, turns out she is an alcoholic as well. Who knew? I mean I know she drinks too much, she drinks wine nightly, and apparently she drinks too much of it. Well, as they admitted her to the hospital, the next morning she was shaking, apparently from the DTs. So they are treating her for that as well as the CHF and they have discovered blockage, which means they will go in tomorow and do the angiogram and hopefully correct it with angioplasty. If it more than that they will have to transfer her to a hospital that is better equipped to deal with things such as stents and bypass etc. She is already saying she will learn to control her drinking as opposed to getting sober.

My back and neck hurt. I am tired. Tired of illness and sandess and depression and the loneliness and the silence and the noise and the pain and the dysfunction.

I want to go home.