I've been looking so long at these picutes of you...

So the Prince and I are now friends on one of those social networky site thingies. After confirming we are friends I go over and check out his page. Every other "update" he has posted makes reference to smoking pot. As in: "Anyone wanna blaze?" "smoking a blunt right now" "Smoking the Buddha" "Got Weed?" Etc. etc. etc. He also has a bunch of pics of himself up there. Most pics show him swigging either beer, wine or vodka from the bottle. Other pics show him clearly intoxicated. There are even a few pics of him and his friends rolling joints or blunts or whatever it is they call them these days. Lots of nice shots of water pipes and bongs strewn about on tables. Lots of action shots of them playing beer pong.

He is also "friends" with friends of mine and numerous relatives, cousins etc. One of my closest friends had a post up about the new JZ album. My son responded to it by writing that the new album is F*cking Sick. Oh, the pride and joy, just warms a mothers heart. I wrote him a private message about how he might want to tone down his musings on the site because leaving a trail like that for future employers, school admissions officers, etc. can easily access it and hold it against him now or at some much later date. No response.

He called me a little while ago after friending another old friend of his fathers and mine and was laughing about a pic the old friend had posted of his father, how young he looked, etc. I then asked him if he received my email and that how he should consider taking his drug use announcements down just a notch. He was getting annoyed and kept trying to end the conversation. I explained that while he clearly sees no problem with illicit drug use, that maybe he would want to be concerned about how it could be held against him and that maybe he shouldn't be so proud of it. He told me I was aggravating him. I then told him then, at the very least could he refrain from friending MY friends and family. His response was that they were his friends and family too. Touche. I then asked him, could he at the very least refrain from leaving comments that involve the F word on my friends sites. I think this is pretty much where the conversation ended and he hung up on me.

It is times like these that I see how very damaged he is, and how he really did stop maturing when the heavy drug use started. OK so, yeah he smokes pot and wears it like a badge of honor. Where I don't see this as something to proud of, apparently he feels the need to let the world know that he is OK with it. I don't know why, after all of these years and after everything we have gone through, I still feel embarrassed by his drug use. I want to take heed from Lou's post earlier this week about how I shouldn't feel the need to explain my son and his disease. But yet, even though I know better, it still makes me feel like such a failure as a mother.

After the conversation with my son, I just sat in my car and cried. Not the desperate, sobbing cries of years ago, but just silent tears, just enough to maybe release some of the sadness that so deeply fills my heart. Time to remember to let go again, and leave it to G-d....

Taking two steps forward, and four steps back...

The boyfriend contacted me weeks ago and asked for a second chance, proclaiming his love for me and how his online indiscretions were absolutely innocent, and promised to cease the behavior I found so offensive if I would give "us" a second chance.

Throughout our conversations while we were trying to get back together other issues in the relationship came up and we discussed them. His main complaint with me is that I do not call him. Its true. I don't. I do not have a reason for this, but I don't. I also promised to make an effort to call him more often.

Things were going OK, or so I thought. We have tickets to a Yankeee game tomorrow night. We are taking the Prince and his girlfriend. Yesterday I had some stuff going on after work, I had an electrician coming to fix a faulty outlet, I am puppy sitting for a friend so that is two dogs to take care of, not to mention homework with La Petit (who just started HS!) and just the regular day to day things.

I send the BF a text message at around 7. No response. I send another one half an hour later, kidding around, saying "Uh-Oh, are you mad?" No response. Then I figure he must have fallen asleep and sent a message saying goodnight. No response.

10 pm, I receive a text back saying, and this is a direct quote, "Which is good, cuz I'd rather stick needles in my eyes then go to the Yankee Game with your mutant kid" I thought it was a joke, I had no idea what he was talking about. His next message said, "enough is enough, this is ridiculous and we are done... " <Side note.. I just realized as I wrote this, that the texts came in the wrong order, apparently, the text saying enough is enough should have come first, followed by, the whch is good... comment..>

I try to call, he doesn't pick up, this is when I realize he is serious. So he finally responds back that we are done because I thought he was angry and didn't even bother to call. Seriously. So whatever, if you want to break up with me, then go ahead. But to call my kid a mutant? I mean really? How F-ed up is that? A 49 year old man, breaking up with me, via text message, and dragging my children into it and calling them names? Knowing the history I have with my son and how hypersensitive I am about it?

So that was my evening went last night. Now today I have to tell my son and his GF that I won't be meeting them at the game. They have their tickets already, I do not have mine. Now they have to take the train home, as we were going to drive them home with us. The Prince, will be disappointed.

My morning started out waking up at 6 a.m. and finding two giant loads of poop on my bedroom wood floors from the puppy I am watching. Cleaning up the poop really put me behind schedule. Next my allergies are so bad this morning that I could not even manage to put on mascara and I look like the walking death. Get into my car, drop La Petite at school and proceed to spill coffee all over my white slacks. Arrive int he office looking like hell and sneezing and coughing from allergies and my boss suggests perhaps I should go home, you know what with the swine flu thing going on ( I work in education).

All this after getting broken up with, via text message, last night. Really? Is this really still my life?

September 11, 2009

I have been wanting and meaning to post. There is so much happening in my life right now. But it just doesn't feel appropriate to wallow in my self today, this day.

Instead, I am sending out some love to my blogger buddies out there. And plan to get back to it regularly next week.

September 11, 2001... Let us never forget...