Keep on dreaming, fight those demons...

During my days in treatment last fall, so much emphasis was placed on loving myself.  Last night I was relaying my current situation with the man with a good friend.  She was aghast at his meanness towards me, and by my cowardliness in accepting this behavior.  I read her the text messages that the man and I exchanged that morning, specifically the one where he told me, and I quote, "I have to figure out what I want... but I don't want this..."  She couldn't understand why I would continue to want to still pursue a future with him, when he clearly doesn't want one with me.  When I arrived home after work last night, he did not even lift his head to acknowledge my presence, and didn't even bother to say hello.  

She asked me if I wanted to be a doormat, or do I want to be Kel.  I responded that I wasn't even sure who Kel was anymore.  The Kel I used to know is lost deep somewhere in the throws of being a parent to an addict, an adult child of an alcoholic, the mother of an Angel. A motherless daughter. An orphan of sorts.  I have lost both of my parents and my oldest son in under four years.  I no longer have a relationship with my only sibling. I have spent the last number of years in a drunken stupor. The Kel I used to be was a fighter, a woman of strength, who has morphed into a needy, broken shell of a woman who doesn't know who she is or how she got here.  And she has no idea how to find her way back.