Cause your the only song I want to hear...

Sometimes I feel as though I am still in shock and that my son is still alive. As though we had an argument and we are simply not speaking as opposed to him being gone. We had some really lovely weather this past weekend, a weekend where he likely would have been starting to do some work on his small boat to get it ready to put in the water. I kept waiting on the phone call for him to ask me to help him finance some kind of expensive boat repair. The phone call never came, and it never will.

I am mourning my own loss. The loss of my child, the flesh of my flesh. However, more profoundly, I am mourning his loss. The loss of the life he will never live. He was twenty years old. He will never get married and he will never be a father. He will never again spend lazy weekends fishing on the little boat he loved so much. He will never again go to a concert, or a baseball game. He will never have the opportunity to vote for a president. He will never again have the chance to get dressed up and take his lovely girlfriend to his office Christmas party. He will never stand up as Best Man when his little brother takes a wife. Gone are the days when he will call me and ask to come over and bar-b-que some steaks with his special secret marinade.

The sadness and pain of this loss is more than I can bear most days, and I am thankful for the body's ability to protect itself by keeping me a little bit numb so I can function on some level and get through most days. Sometimes the anger overwhelms the sadness and I want to wage a war against someone. To make a difference. To get this shit off the streets and away from our children. And that is just what I intend to do, one baby step at a time if I must...

Already Gone...

The last few months of my life have been surreal. There is no other word for it. The loss of a child is like nothing I can describe to you. It is pain that you feel to the very depths of your soul. Yet, life around you goes on. You must go on. I still have a mortgage to pay so I still have to get out of bed every day and get dressed. I still have another child to raise so I don't get the luxury of just completely shutting down.

Most people, can not relate to the pain of losing a child. I hear often, that it is the most devastating loss a human being can go through. It is unnatural, unfair, perverse, against nature. I have since noticed, often times, once the initial shock of it wears off, it is easier for those around you, to pretend it never happened, or to pretend you don't exist. It becomes the 600 lb gorilla in the room. I experience this often.

Perhaps I am just becoming cynical, but I often feel that some people could perceive the death of my son as brought on by himself. I have known of at least 2 or 3 deaths by heroin overdose in the months prior to the death of my son. After those deaths, I have also overheard people whispering things like "just another dead junkie".

The deeper the thoughts, theres no more pain...

The Prince called me on the Thursday afternoon before his death. He had begun working in a sales position for a rather larger company since some time in November. He was doing well and loved the work he was doing. I always believed that sales jobs were perfect for drug addicts because they have the gift of knowing how to get the means to the ends. They are natural salesman, having the ability to talk their way into giving you what they need from you. But I digress.

He called Thursday afternoon like he called every other day. We had been trying to make plans to see a limited exhibit at MOMA. We discussed going that weekend and were deciding which fabulous place they wanted me to take them for dinner. We hung up with the understanding that we would speak again the next day to finalize our plans. That would be the last time I would ever hear his voice.

He and his girlfriend were inseparable. For the most part, they lived together. Mostly they stayed at his grandparents house, where he lived. Occasionally they would sleep at her grandmothers house, where she lives. Thursday night, his girlfriend was not feeling very well and after spending the day with her friend, decided to spend the night at her house instead of going home to him.

What happens next is sketchy. He and a friend went out for awhile. Supposedly to meet someone at the mall. They then went back to the Princes house to watch a movie on Blue-Ray on the new TV he got for Christmas. The friend left around midnight, the Prince said goodnight to his grandparents at around 1 a.m. When they tried to wake him at around 730 the next morning he was gone. The police said it was instantaneous, that it happened somewhere around 1:15 a.m. The tourniquet was still tied to his arm.

His phone record show a phone call to the GF at 1:08. A few text messages go back and forth earlier in the day between the Prince and the friend he was out with discussing the need for "clean spikes" and the Prince asking the friend if it was possible to "shoot xanax". I don't know how long this was all going on and honestly, I guess it doesn't really matter anymore.

Heroin is epidemic where I live. A bag of heroin is cheaper than a six pack of beer or a pack of cigarettes and easier for our children to get their hands on. Heroin, was never the Princes drug of choice. I am still in a state of shock and disbelief. I am still numb. I can not believe I will never see him or hear his voice again.

This is the end, Beautiful Friend....

The Prince

Kenneth Charles

June 16, 1989 - January 8, 2010

My beautiful son, Kenneth Charles, the Prince, lost his battle with addiction last Friday and left this world for the next. He overdosed on heroin. I pray he is finally at peace with himself and will now find the peace he so desperately sought. I pray for all of you on the god awful journey we are on.


May he rest in Peace.

The first post of the year....

I have not smoked a cigarette in six days. Yay for me. As a result of said six smoke free days I seem to have lost my taste for coffee and wine. Is it possible to have given up all of my vices in one day? Not even on purpose? Is it possible all of my addictions were caused by my smoking cigarettes? I know, I know, not possible, but psychologically, I have had no interest in coffee or alcohol since New Years Eve. This is not like me. At all. Maybe it is because I have been really really concerned with my alcohol intake of late (this is not a great secret) and maybe the not smoking thing has lead me to a better path? I am not going to fool myself into thinking I do not have a problem just because I have not wanted to have a glass of wine, but maybe it will keep me on the clean and sober page for a while.

Which leads me to my next stupid question. And yes, I am being honest when I ask this... What exactly do you do to socialize that does not include alcohol? (I'm guessing since I have to ask this question, my answer should probably be: Go to a meeting!)

So Happy New Year and wish me luck...

The Last post of the year...

I rarely blog on the weekends, and practically never from home. But today, I just felt like reaching out to my blogger peeps and extending my best (belated) holiday wishes to you all. My holiday was lovely, but not not without issues, mostly of my own doing. I dont feel up to sharing it just now, but I know I have to make alot of changes within myself, and I need to do it quickly.

Wishing you all a healthy and Happy New Year!

When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

I have been seeing the nice man who I went on a date with a few weeks ago. He is gentle, fun, generous and kind. He likes me. Alot. That scares me. Alot. I am trying to explain to him that I need to take it very slowly. That I was not looking for a relationship right now, that I was actually planning on taking some time to myself and work on reconnecting with myself after all that I have gone through the last few years. He is responsive, but keeps saying the "we" word. Like how "we" will remember that our first movie together was a little dark and twisty. Things like when "we" go here or there, etc. I am happy to date him and spend time with him, but I am not ready to be a part of a "we" just yet. Tomorrow I have the day off from work and we are going to spend the day together, going to drive out East and do some Christmas shopping and a nice lunch somewhere. I am sure it will be a pleasant afternoon.

The Prince got a job as a stock broker trainee. He started yesterday. They were to pay for his training and the courses for his Series 7 exam for 8 weeks. He found out an hour after he got there that they would not be paying him until the test was taken and passed. He walked out. The "man" who hasn't worked since early June, said he can not possible go eight weeks with out a paycheck. I took him shopping and spent $300 on work clothes over the weekend. He says it is OK that I spent all that money because now he has interview clothes and plans on having another job lined up by next week. He has three other interviews set up in the next few days. He called me last night and asked me if he should tell the people interviewing him that he has other interviews lined up, you know, so they would offer him more money. I tried to gently tell him that the jobs he was interviewing for were entry level, most likely minimum wage positions and he does not have the experience to use that kind of leverage.

It still hurts that he has no clue about the real world. That he has no education, no marketable skills and that he will have a hard time getting a job because he can not pass a urine test. He still has so much growing up to do. And I don't see it happening any time soon.

He and his father have no relationship. His father only sees him in passing when he is at his mothers house (where the Prince lives). His father has a pretty good relationship with our younger son, La Petite. Much better than I ever thought possible. He sees him regularly and they do things together, La Petite looks forward to spending time with him. I know this hurts the Prince. His father never taught him the things necessary in life to be a man. How to mow the lawn, how to paint a wall, how to tie a necktie. I have tried my best to both mother and father to him. But I see it pains him that his father doesn't want to be a part of his life. His fathers love for him is not unconditional. I know the Prince has caused us all so much pain, but at the end of the day, I still love him deeply, even though I can not allow him to live in my house, and I know I must keep him at a safe distance to protect myself.

Why I'm a Stranger in my Own Life...

I have a morning ritual when I arrive in the office each day. I sign on to my computer, check my emails then check the blogs. I always start with Mary Christine, as hers was the first blog I started following, I jump from her to Pammie then over to Lou, Syd, and so on. I was thrilled to see Lou back again last week, I felt a real loss each day when she wasn't there, and am still feeling a bit sad the Pat at Child Lost has left us as well.

I know I don't post as often as I should, but I still read you all each and everyday and wonder if you all feel a little loss when I am not posting?

So much going on in my little slice of the world, so in the interest of keeping it brief, and not boring you all to death, if you don't mind I will just do some quick bullets....

• The Prince still posting non-stop on his facebook about getting high, etc. Still isn't working, and as far as I can tell still is not looking for work. He called last week to tell me how he got "jumped" by a bunch of kids last week outside the bar and got the sh*t beat out of him. I inquired how he was at the bar and drunk when he is both underage and unemployed. Not too mention uninsured, and he has now incurred a whole new bunch of debt from the ambulance ride and the hospital emergency room fees.
• His latest idea is to try to sign up for welfare to get money and insurance. I said that I didn't think they gave assistance to those who are healthy enough to work but choose not too. Needless to say we are not in a warm fuzzy place at the moment.
• La Petite Prince is in High School. He has met a whole new group of kids and is really coming into his own. It is a nice group of boys. His grades are good. He is starting to drop the ball a little bit this last week, turning in assignments late, etc. I am in constant communication with his teachers so I can keep on top of him. But he makes me feel good and hopeful for his future.
• A friend called me and asked if it would be OK if she were to ask out the guy I was seeing for the last year and a half, you know, the one who broke up with me via text and called my kid a mutant.... I mean really? Is this High School? Do we pass men around as if they were dispensable? I don't understand how drama attaches itself to me like white on rice...
• I went on a date with a nice man on Saturday night. It was pouring rain, and he came to my door and met me with an umbrella. Now THAT was a first in my world... It was nice and fun and easy and he made me laughed, and we kissed a little in the car like teenagers and he wants to take me to the opening game of the World Series tonight!
• My ex-husband told me recently the reason why he has been crying poverty lately, is that he got arrested for a DWI last winter, and the court costs, mandatory alcohol rehab, legal fees, probation reimbursement costs, etc. have run in him to the ten thousands. Put a cherry on top of that, he informed me that he has to report to jail tomorrow morning for 7 days as a result. I know DWI is a big deal, but something sounds a bit fishy to me that he has to serve jail time. Whatever. So not my problem anymore.
• So just trying to keep it together One Day at a Time, minding my own side of the street and keeping the pity party to a minimum.

OK, so that's me in a nutshell. You know I couldn't keep it too short.. sorry about that. Sending you all lots of love and know that I am still here and keeping up with you all each day....

I've been looking so long at these picutes of you...

So the Prince and I are now friends on one of those social networky site thingies. After confirming we are friends I go over and check out his page. Every other "update" he has posted makes reference to smoking pot. As in: "Anyone wanna blaze?" "smoking a blunt right now" "Smoking the Buddha" "Got Weed?" Etc. etc. etc. He also has a bunch of pics of himself up there. Most pics show him swigging either beer, wine or vodka from the bottle. Other pics show him clearly intoxicated. There are even a few pics of him and his friends rolling joints or blunts or whatever it is they call them these days. Lots of nice shots of water pipes and bongs strewn about on tables. Lots of action shots of them playing beer pong.

He is also "friends" with friends of mine and numerous relatives, cousins etc. One of my closest friends had a post up about the new JZ album. My son responded to it by writing that the new album is F*cking Sick. Oh, the pride and joy, just warms a mothers heart. I wrote him a private message about how he might want to tone down his musings on the site because leaving a trail like that for future employers, school admissions officers, etc. can easily access it and hold it against him now or at some much later date. No response.

He called me a little while ago after friending another old friend of his fathers and mine and was laughing about a pic the old friend had posted of his father, how young he looked, etc. I then asked him if he received my email and that how he should consider taking his drug use announcements down just a notch. He was getting annoyed and kept trying to end the conversation. I explained that while he clearly sees no problem with illicit drug use, that maybe he would want to be concerned about how it could be held against him and that maybe he shouldn't be so proud of it. He told me I was aggravating him. I then told him then, at the very least could he refrain from friending MY friends and family. His response was that they were his friends and family too. Touche. I then asked him, could he at the very least refrain from leaving comments that involve the F word on my friends sites. I think this is pretty much where the conversation ended and he hung up on me.

It is times like these that I see how very damaged he is, and how he really did stop maturing when the heavy drug use started. OK so, yeah he smokes pot and wears it like a badge of honor. Where I don't see this as something to proud of, apparently he feels the need to let the world know that he is OK with it. I don't know why, after all of these years and after everything we have gone through, I still feel embarrassed by his drug use. I want to take heed from Lou's post earlier this week about how I shouldn't feel the need to explain my son and his disease. But yet, even though I know better, it still makes me feel like such a failure as a mother.

After the conversation with my son, I just sat in my car and cried. Not the desperate, sobbing cries of years ago, but just silent tears, just enough to maybe release some of the sadness that so deeply fills my heart. Time to remember to let go again, and leave it to G-d....

Taking two steps forward, and four steps back...

The boyfriend contacted me weeks ago and asked for a second chance, proclaiming his love for me and how his online indiscretions were absolutely innocent, and promised to cease the behavior I found so offensive if I would give "us" a second chance.

Throughout our conversations while we were trying to get back together other issues in the relationship came up and we discussed them. His main complaint with me is that I do not call him. Its true. I don't. I do not have a reason for this, but I don't. I also promised to make an effort to call him more often.

Things were going OK, or so I thought. We have tickets to a Yankeee game tomorrow night. We are taking the Prince and his girlfriend. Yesterday I had some stuff going on after work, I had an electrician coming to fix a faulty outlet, I am puppy sitting for a friend so that is two dogs to take care of, not to mention homework with La Petit (who just started HS!) and just the regular day to day things.

I send the BF a text message at around 7. No response. I send another one half an hour later, kidding around, saying "Uh-Oh, are you mad?" No response. Then I figure he must have fallen asleep and sent a message saying goodnight. No response.

10 pm, I receive a text back saying, and this is a direct quote, "Which is good, cuz I'd rather stick needles in my eyes then go to the Yankee Game with your mutant kid" I thought it was a joke, I had no idea what he was talking about. His next message said, "enough is enough, this is ridiculous and we are done... " <Side note.. I just realized as I wrote this, that the texts came in the wrong order, apparently, the text saying enough is enough should have come first, followed by, the whch is good... comment..>

I try to call, he doesn't pick up, this is when I realize he is serious. So he finally responds back that we are done because I thought he was angry and didn't even bother to call. Seriously. So whatever, if you want to break up with me, then go ahead. But to call my kid a mutant? I mean really? How F-ed up is that? A 49 year old man, breaking up with me, via text message, and dragging my children into it and calling them names? Knowing the history I have with my son and how hypersensitive I am about it?

So that was my evening went last night. Now today I have to tell my son and his GF that I won't be meeting them at the game. They have their tickets already, I do not have mine. Now they have to take the train home, as we were going to drive them home with us. The Prince, will be disappointed.

My morning started out waking up at 6 a.m. and finding two giant loads of poop on my bedroom wood floors from the puppy I am watching. Cleaning up the poop really put me behind schedule. Next my allergies are so bad this morning that I could not even manage to put on mascara and I look like the walking death. Get into my car, drop La Petite at school and proceed to spill coffee all over my white slacks. Arrive int he office looking like hell and sneezing and coughing from allergies and my boss suggests perhaps I should go home, you know what with the swine flu thing going on ( I work in education).

All this after getting broken up with, via text message, last night. Really? Is this really still my life?

September 11, 2009

I have been wanting and meaning to post. There is so much happening in my life right now. But it just doesn't feel appropriate to wallow in my self today, this day.

Instead, I am sending out some love to my blogger buddies out there. And plan to get back to it regularly next week.

September 11, 2001... Let us never forget...

Keep the faith, Keep the faith....

Saw this outside of a church on my way to the office this morning....

"God answers all KNEE mail"

Think that is spectacular and clever.

She likes me for me...

Thank you all for your input. It's funny how it even though I do not post very often, it is my first instinct to go to you guys for advice. And if you have read all the comments, your feedback confirmed what I already knew.

Long Story short, I broke up with the BF Wednesday night. Based on his online activities and some other stuff but I will write a longer post next week when I have more time.

In the mean time I am going out for dinner in Manhattan with my best girlies tonight. Its just what I need right now. They love me for me, flaws and everything.

Kisses.

Come on, come talk to me.....

I know I haven't blogged in a long time, but I still check in and read your blogs everyday. I have to keep this short, but I just need to throw a question out there and I'm hoping for some feedback.

Is it OK, if you are in a "committed" relationship, to go into "romance, singles" chat rooms to talk to strangers?

What's it all about?

Taking the cue from Syd today and sharing a little about what I'm about....

1. Today I am all about me, it's my Birthday, and I love my birthday, and all of the attention that comes with it. Narcissistic much?
2. Feeling proud of myself that as a single mother, I managed to make the best possible summer camp plans for my Little Prince, and pay for it, without any interaction from his father, who could care less.
3. Coffee. I consume way too much of it, but I love it.
4. Having good friends that really care about me and make me a better person.
5. The sadness that I felt last night when my Mom told me about our recently widowed cousin, who yesterday, took a walk with her daughter, my good friend, and went to the movies with her grandchildren. My mom was half-way through a giant bottle of cheap red wine when she told me about this, and the realization that we are never going to do those things, well, it just hurts.
6. I am not a perfect mother and my children are not perfect. I'm learning though, that I am doing my best to be good enough and they will either love me for it or have to deal with it in therapy later on. Such is life.
7. I miss my father. Especially today on my birthday, he would have called me singing the Happy Birthday song to me all day.
8. I do not however, miss his illness, pain and suffering. Sometimes God knows when to come calling for his sons.
9. Red velvet cupcakes. Yummy.
10. A flirty new skirt to wear on my birthday today.
11. Being in a relationship with a good man. Although it is not ideal, it is good enough and I am learning to let things happen at that their own pace.
12. My beautiful sweet pup. He loves me unconditionally, flaws and all.
13. Letting go of the past. Slowly, but surely.
14. Not having to own the Princes problems anymore.
15. Enjoying planting a garden with my mother. All of the rain has really helped it flourish.
16. Feeling hopeful about my future. I can make it on my own. I can find happiness. Even if I am alone.
17. Looking forward to some alone time this summer. I'm feeling ready to get to know myself again. (Flaws and all)
18. Reading and learning from the experiences of my blogger buddies. Even though I rarely comment anymore.
19. Learning to cook with fine fresh ingredients. I never knew there could be real joy in cooking for the people in my life that I love, and planting my own fresh herbs for the first time this summer... cant wait to use them!
20. Becoming more comfortable in my own skin. One day at a time...

So what are YOU all about right now?

And I feel...

This morning, when I locked my bedroom door before I took a shower, as I was alone in the house, I thought to myself, with a chill down my spine,why bother? When I tried to lock the monster out, he just busted it down anyway.

When I drive down the last strip of highway in the mornings on my way to my office, I am often brought back to the conversations with the monster, hearing his temper rise as his voice was elevating, and telling me how I don't make him feel special enough, and all of the other things I did wrong.

Earlier in the week my young son and I were talking about the accidental death of Mike Tyson's daughter, and I expressed that although I was not a big fan, I felt sad for his loss. My young son inquired about my feelings and I mentioned the many episodes of domestic abuse and spousal abuse he had been accused of. My son commented to me that the wife must have deserved it, that she probably cheated or whatever? I had to actually control my OWN rage at that comment. My own son, making such a statement, after all that I had gone through.

Later in the week I was having dinner in a restaurant with some friends and I repeated the conversation between my son and I. These are all close friends who knew what I went through and were very, very supportive. However, one of my friends had apparently forgotten about it for a moment, and went off on a sort of tangent about if her sons ever made such a comment, she would explain to them how it would never happen to her, because she is too strong for that and she would never allow it to happen to her. I interrupted her as gently as I could by saying, never say never. She got the point and quickly apologized.

The relationship that I am in is a safe one. I am confident he would never physically harm me. But it seems to be taking on a life of his way or now way. Not at all in a threatening manner. More like, he is more comfortable being at his house. He is not crazy about my mom or spending time with her and as a result, he will no longer come to my house if she is there. If I want to do something he wont do, he simply will say no and he will not do it. No matter what. I think this is just starting to really mess with my head, and is making all the bad, painful memories try to break their way out of repression...

Acting on your best behavior, Turn your back on Mother Nature...

My mother was always the stronger personality of my parents. Especially when my father was struck ill at the age of 49 and basically spent the next 18 years slowly dying. My father was not an educated man and he dropped out of school somewhere around the age of 15. Knowing the things I know after raising my own children, and from working in education, it would seem that my father suffered some kind of learning disability. I am thinking he was probably dyslexic. He was a good man, a strong man, he was a hard working proud man, but he was not book smart. He gladly allowed my mother to run the house, gladly turned his paycheck over to her each week. Never questioned her judgement or decisions, and financially, she did well by them.

Deciding to buy a home with my mother, was, at the time, the right thing to do. My father was dying and she needed my help. I also did not want her to be alone when he died. Its been almost a year since my father left this world for the next. Alot of the drama and urgency of the last few years are slowly settling down and my life, while far from perfect is in a calmer place.

Lately my mother and I are having terrible arguments. We are both type-A personalities on some level. My mother is having a hard time with me moving on and rebuilding my life. She takes offense when I spend the night with the man I am seeing. I only do this when my 13 year old is away for the weekend with his father. She does not like when I deposit money into our joint account to pay bills. Our payroll schedules are different, and I simply can not put money in the bank when I do not physically have it. She is just not comprehending that. We had a real screaming fight last week. It got ugly. When she has nothing more intelligent to say, she resorts to being underhanded, mean and plain nasty. She brings up things from my marriage, she brings up my flaws, she fights dirty. She says things that can not be taken back.

On any given evening, after 5:30 pm my mother is also half in the bag on cheap red wine. She semi-blacks out. She denies saying the things she says. She blames it on me for not giving in to her. She blames it on the wine. She blows it off, saying, its over, let it go. I am starting to get truly tired of living in dysfunction. My "boyfriend" (oh, how I loathe that word..it reminds me of the "monster") sees her really for what she is, and in a very gentle way, he often points out situations where she is unnecessarily mean to me without provocation. He does not want to spend time at my house anymore and it has alot to do with my mother and her behavior. I do not want to spend time there lately myself. This is not to be misconstrued that he goes out of his way to point these instances out, more that he will mention it when I am going stark raving mad over the things she says and I start to feel like it is all in my head.

I really feel as though I am going to loose him, and I will someday end up just like her.

But something told me to run, and honey you know me, it's all or none...

Sometimes I just cant help but throw myself a pity party. While I know that I was married to the wrong man and I stayed married for entirely too long, I still wish that I was married. Happily married to the right man. I know that this is not a recipe for successful children who don't have addiction problems. But I think it would have been easier to battle if I had an equal partner. Someone that I loved and respected and trusted. And who felt the same towards me.

I can remember the day I told my parents that I was pregnant and getting married. I was 20 years old. I was lucky, I had loving, supportive parents, and so did my ex-husband. I had only been dating him for about 6 months. I was in college, working part time at an insurance agency. My husband was in college, in theory, meaning he barely went, and he was working part time busing tables at a Chinese restaurant and sometimes making deliveries. We barely knew each other. I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

I remember my mother's face when she told me that while she supported my decision to have the baby and get married, that I needed to be aware of all that I was giving up. I was giving up the best years of my life, and that it was not going to be easy. I heard her, but didn't really hear her. I didn't understand the importance of really knowing someone before you decide to commit to a lifetime together, or more importantly, to committing to raising a child together. I think I thought I was playing house.

Neither of us really knew what it took to make a marriage work. We didn't understand the give and take. We didn't grasp the concept of compromise. My had a really great social life, lots of friends, we had lots of parties and BBQs. There was lots of drinking and partying. My brother in law once said to me that he didn't understand why we focused so much on our friends and not each other. The comment offended me. Until many years later when I realized I still didn't know this man I married many years ago. He worked nights and slept days. I avoided "sleeping" with him at all costs. I wasn't physically attracted to him. I secretly envied my friends and the relationships they had. I coveted their rock sized engagement rings, their big elaborate weddings, the nice shiny new things they were able to buy because they did things the "right" way.

Many years later, looking back through my 40 year old eyes, I see the mistakes that I had made. But it doesn't stop me from wanting a second chance at a beautiful life. I'm way past wanting the shiny toys and sparkly ring. But I want a partner, someone to share my life with. I am seeing someone now who is not the perfect man, but he is good and he is kind and gentle. He is tolerant. He is patient. He loves me.

Early on in our relationship, I would try to make him meet my friends and spend time with us. He was reluctant. I was anxious to meet his family and to be a part of it. He was reluctant. He tried to explain to me that he wanted to spend time with me. Not my friends, not my family. This offended me. I didn't realize that he was right, that it was important to get to know each other, alone, without the distraction of other people. Maybe it is my insecurities that I am not lovable and that if gets to know me, then he wont like or love me and that is why I insisted on surrounding myself with people, to keep me safe and protected and well hidden. This is something I have done all of my life and I am finally learning that it is not the way to be successful in a relationship. if he doesn't like me, well, then he doesn't like me. Hiding behind my family, and my friends isn't going to change that, it is simply going to prolong the inevitable. That's all.

So maybe this old dog can learn some new tricks. Or maybe its just time to take away the smoke and mirrors and just learn to let myself be me. Maybe I am something special after all...

You know it aint easy, you got to hold on...

I watched the film, "Rachel getting Married" this weekend. How very dark and sad this film was. I almost had to turn it off and walk away from it. I was surprised by how deeply I was affected by it. I usually love movies and or books with any addiction related theme. I guess I was just taken back about how hopeless it seemed to be for the Anne Hathaway character, to find a little peace and forgiveness for her addiction related sins. I guess that to me, she still seemed so hopeless and misunderstood that I questioned her long time ability to maintain sobriety. Especially when she seemed to truly lack any real support within her family.


Yes, I also was able to recognize the depths of pain and tragedy she brought upon her family. And I know how difficult it is to forgive the addict in our lives. But seriously... why weren't these people working a program of their own?


Not sure where I am going with all of this. Maybe it reminded me of the days when the Prince was living home with me, and stealing from us, and living with the fear of what was going to happen next and if I would wake up and find him not breathing in the morning, and which Price would be sitting at my dinner table. He seems to be in a really good place these days. I do not see him that often, usually just in passing when he is at the house borrowing my mother's car or dropping it off. We have not done anything socially together in quite a long time, and this has been choice. Sometimes, well, I don't want to take the chance of the Ugly Prince rearing its ugly head.


Maybe since my youngest son is fast approaching the age when my Prince was sucked deep into the dark world of drugs, alcohol and addiction, that I am subconsciously afraid he may go there too. The genes of addiction run through our blood like water. I am fearful. I am mistrusting. I snoop. I know if it is going to happen it is going to happen, and it is out of my control. I have been told that most if not all teens do some level of experimentation with drugs and alcohol, and that is to be expected. I know my youngest has some self esteem issues as well, and he takes the easy way out of most things. I know all kids have an inherent need to fit in. I fear he will choose the low road to find his place in this world, and I do not think that I am physically equipped to go there again.

Love can make you weep, can make you run for cover...

My youngest son is in grave danger of not passing the eighth grade. He is a very bright young man. He doesn't like to do homework, sometimes he doesn't feel like doing classwork or taking notes. Studying is a word that does not exist in his vocabulary. He really likes to talk and socialize. He likes to somehow manage to get his hands on red bulls and soda and brings it to class. He has a wicked attention deficit with hyperactivity and red bull and soda do not mix well with it. He recently took a geography quiz and scored a 10 out of a hundred. Seriously. My mother of an addicts memory keeps whispering in my ear... this is using behavior.

I am in a relationship with a man that is becoming less and less fulfilling. He does not like to spend time with my family. He prefers me to be at his small apartment than to come to my large house. He does not care if we see each other on holidays. When I tell him this hurts my feelings he does not understand. On the other hand he is very kind to me and gentle. He knows how I take my coffee, and serves it to me. He always has my favorite water in the fridge. He encourages me to take better care of myself. I know that he does love me. When my son is with his father on alternate weekends, we spend most of our time together. It is really quite possible that I am as broken as I think I am, and therefore just completely incapable of knowing how to behave in a relationship.

For the first time in many years, my relationship with my brother is in a really good place. He is a sick man, diabetic, has lost 3 toes from his disease in the last few years. He is 43 years old. He can not work. There is still a really nasty ulcer on the bottom of his foot that will not heal. It is likely he will loose this foot, sooner, rather than later. He is living with a lovely woman who is 10 years his senior. She has many of her one demons to fight. She has 3 children. The youngest of these children started having babies at the age of 15. She has 5 children under the age of 13. Most of the baby daddy's are incarcerated. There are at least 2 or 3 of them. She has never been on drugs and does not drink. She is currently living in a shelter because she has no job and no money. She bares more than a striking resemblance to the "Octo-Mom". My brother and his girlfriend are in no position to help her financially. My mother often has to help him. His SS payments leave him with less than $80 extra a month after paying the rent. We had a real long heart to heart conversation a few weeks ago and for the first time in my life, I do believe that he loves me. Saturday afternoon I am treating him to a play. Jesus Christ Superstar. It has always been our favorite. We have seen it many, many times over the years. It will be a pleasant day.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is in the hospital as I write this, sitting vigil by her fathers bedside awaiting his transfer to a Hospice Center. They are on the Death Watch. Her mother is my mothers best friend. Her father is my mothers first cousin. His mother and father were married to the sister and brother of my mothers parents. That's how it went down for the Irish Catholic in Brooklyn back then. This time last year, I was the one sitting vigil by fathers bedside awaiting his eminent death. It is very surreal to not be the one in pain, to not be the one who is frightened and sad. It hurts me to see my friend hurting. I know full well how profoundly her life will be changed following the loss of her father. My heart breaks for these people who have always been a part of my life. I think my mother feels a certain sense of glee over this. I know that sounds awful, but she is not an awful person. It just that my mom has suffered a great deal of loss and suffering in her life and she has always felt, with some degree of truth to it, that no one could understand.

I had to have a minor gynecological surgical procedure done yesterday. The removal of some precancerous cells. Not a big deal, but the first time my physician attempted the procedure a few weeks ago it did not take and it had to be redone last night. It all went well, I am on the four month follow plan to make sure I remain cancer free. I sent the man I spoke of a few paragraphs ago, a quick text message last night to let him it was done, that it went well and she was able to get all of the cells successfully. He wrote back that he was glad to hear it, and wouldn't bother me again last night so I could rest. OK, it is 10:56 a.m. here in NY, and I am obviously well enough to be here, in my office, writing this. Am I am wrong to think it would have been nice if he had bothered to contact me this morning to make sure I was OK? Just sayin'...

The man that I am sure is my soul mate, whom I dated when I was young, is now married, to someone else and she is an alcoholic. He is not happy, but he is committed. He is hopeful she will one day stop. He gives her ultimatums. She promises that next Monday will be the day. Next Monday comes and goes and she simply can not put the bottle down. I know, and He knows, that she is an alcoholic. But I know and You know that this is a disease, not just weakness on her part. She is powerless over alcohol. He did not cause this, he can not control it and he can not cure it. He does not accept this. He does not work a program. He is becoming a sad and broken man. We speak or email almost daily. I have not seen him in over 13 years. When we speak it is as if I just saw him last night. We have that connection. He will never leave her and she will probably never stop drinking. She is a lucky woman. HE called me first thing this morning to see how I felt and to make sure everything went well with the procedure last night. I may have to stop communicating with him soon, although I will miss him. It is starting to hurt. Just a little.

So this is just me, Kel. Stopping in to say hello.